I had to call the assistant DA who was handling the COMPAS program on the criminal case per the recommendation of my son’s ATTY (the public defender didn’t want to do anything about the criminal case). I told the story of how things went at home prior to the police arriving and we finally got a letter 3 was later stating the DA’S office didn’t have enough evidence that my son committed domestic violence against me or my husband. It was a nightmare to deal with the criminal side case but thankfully turned out well in the end - as my son was never violent to towards us up to that point but very delusional so we couldn’t wait any longer.
The time we asked for, and got, a CIT officer, it went well.
Thought I would post this here since it relates to the title.
I’ve had a bad day. I can’t decide whether I’m mad or sad - some crying was involved.
So, I Googled stages of grief as a reminder - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
I think I’m well over denial, there’s no point in bargaining, but I keep cycling through anger, depression & acceptance.
And, sad as this sounds, I think I’d be happy in a twisted kind of way to just hover around depression.
Every time I think I’ve hit acceptance & I get any sense of peace with things, it all comes crashing down around me. Yep, slight sadness & functional depression is my new comfort zone.
It even got to the point on Monday that I recognized I was just kind of happy on my way home from work. I was immediately anxious, because that’s only become a sign of bad things to come, and some semi-bad stuff did, in fact, come.
I’m sure we’ll start the slow climb to the top of the next hill tomorrow before we come crashing back down on the next bad day, but just wanted to wax philosophic for a few minutes.
You expressed it so well. I don’t know whether to be sad or relieved that I’m not the only one to go thru all these feelings over and over. I keep thinking I got this, but dang it, this disease is always one step ahead of me.
It never does end. Mine is inside his place screaming this evening. He texted asking if I heard yelling. I did not. This violent screaming isn’t his usual FYFYFY shouts. He’s yelling sentences back at the voices - of course he thinks he is yelling at us. We were gone for a couple of days, he got upset when we were getting ready to leave and he’s upset now that we are returned.
Any change causes stress.
I too have days that are incredibly sad. I do try to get out with other people. No, they don’t really understand but I find it helpful to engage with others and get out of my own grief. I don’t discuss it with people like I used to.
I miss my son so much. For a while there, I would get a glimpse of him, then he’d be gone again. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring.
I have been studying mindfulness and I think it is helping. It is that online DBT course. Be kind to ourselves. Take care
I understand completely. Our 27 year old son is now hospitalized. Our life is hell living with him. He refuses medication, lies, steals, destroys the house. We are now saying he can’t live with us any longer. We feel guilty, but our health is suffering from it all. We have found a great long term mental health rehab; but he has to go willingly. IF he refuses, then I’m not sure where the hospital would send him? Last time he was in they asked if he could come home, we said yes. This time we will say no. UGGG , feeling guilty, worrying what will happen.
We have reached the point of knowing ours can’t live with us anymore. The delusions about his dad have grown too big. The destruction to property was immense.
I am trying my old mantra of “everything is fine right now”. Trying to enjoy this time before the next crisis.
Have learned even a water bill can be stressful. Who is making money on the deal and who is stealing water and they suggest people conserve water on the bill; how much more can he conserve.
The lightening of the symptoms however has brought on the insight that others might find the loud yelling stressful so he tries not to do it around others and that the voices just might be his own. For that I am grateful.
It also causes me to reflect on just how fragile yet strong our brains are. Since this fall, a childhood friend fell and struck her head on the driveway and died hours later. Another friend fell off a roof and hit the pavement and with a scary recovery survived with minor damage. Mom was dx with AD and is losing her reason, judgement and motor skills a bit each day, but remembers the past in detail. After a major psychotic episode a year ago, my son has mellowed. So yes, @hope enjoying the good moments are vital to our sanity. And @Mom2 we live knowing too well we don’t know what tomorrow will bring.
It is really hard to come to this realization, but it is not something you alone in - either in the situation or the feelings of guilt that follow.