It's just been a hard week so far

Family
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I’m still in the mix of all of this estate stuff of my dad’s I just found out last week the home will no longer be insured as of June,

I haven’t gone through probate yet as far as I know that’s the only way to get my name on the house and insure it.

If I go through probate I’m going to have to sell the house because probate will need to be paid for through the estate.

My sibling is still in the house I haven’t found a place for him to go yet he’s completely off the rails whenever I mention the options he has.

Such as if he wants to keep the house he can get a loan and pay for probate upfront and get his name on it and then just continue to live there and make the payments.

As of right now he cannot afford the payments I’ve been paying over half of his mortgage and bills and I can no longer continue to do that.

In order to raise his income I’ve asked if he would be willing to apply for SSDI where he could possibly gain a few hundred dollars more a month.

No matter what everything has sent him into a spiral with any mention of moving forward.

I was very close yesterday to giving the ultimatum of if he wasn’t cooperative to get on a housing list for himself that I would no longer be able to pay any of his bills.

With the mention of any of these topics he just sends numerous inappropriate messages.

And now he’s talking about being poisoned again and people breaking into his house and if that’s really what he thinks I feel really awful but I also feel like are you even capable of making any decisions it’s just a nightmare position to be in.

I don’t really have any family that can do much I don’t even really like to talk to anybody about it that much anymore I feel like I’m putting more burdens on people that are not theirs to carry.

I just really needed the space to get this out today,

The good news is I clearly have now told him multiple times of his choices and that it’s his life and it is up to him.

Unfortunately what he’s doing is avoiding it so hard and I feel he is spiraling

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I’m sorry you’re in this situation – you’ve done so much to try to help your sibling, who must be really scared at the thought of losing his home. If there are any local mental health resources in his area, for example through the city or county health services department, they may be able to assist with counseling and perhaps housing. But of course he’d need to be willing to talk to them, which can be such a significant barrier for people with mental illness.

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I hope things are going better for you today. I tried to think of a helpful response yesterday but was stumped. I’m sure you’ve tried much of what I would suggest, because from your other posts I know that you know LEAP, and NAMI, and caring for yourself to make it through rough patches–all that.

The fatigue of repeatedly playing, at times, the bad guy role with our siblings or others who have a mental illness is so real. Probate and selling a house is hard enough, but you have this quasi-eviction issue going on, and I’m sure you would like to not appear threatening to your brother, but he probably perceives it differently. Here’s a thought: can you create or find someone else or some entity “out there” that is the bad guy, so that you and he, together, can rail against him/her/it to solve this problem together? Like, those darn insurance people?

It’s not an ultimate solution because of course you don’t want him to fixate on this foe, but it could be a bridge to move the needle a little, get him out of the stuck spiral, and you as well. Grasping at straws here. Best of luck and hope you feel better soon.

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Yes it’s like you said he would need to be willing,

Since my dad has passed I have asked if he would like to see counseling again and he does not want to at this time not willing to, I have found the housing resources and I have offered to help him fill out the application he’s also not willing to do that at this time.

Like you said it’s such a barrier for people with mental illness.

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Thank you so much, things are not much better today he seems to be argumentative and avoiding any real conversations about his living situation again today.

Unfortunately he sent a bunch of digging messages again this morning.

It is so true what you said about playing the bad guy it’s absolutely exhausting :pensive_face:

You’re right making somebody else the bad guy and we’re fighting for this together ! this is how I have approached this in the beginning and still am trying to but I also need to have a boundary and need him to know that I’m not going to put up with abuse.

He is very scared and what I really thought about this morning on my way to work is , , he’s very stuck in his trauma that he’s experienced from the illness over the last 8 years since my mom passed.

Unfortunately his illness has taken him to jail multiple times, hospitalized, and homeless for part of that time.

It’s the last thing that I want for any of those things to happen to him again.

I kind of seem to be running short on time with the insurance going to be running out in June so I’d really like him to try to make some decisions I have informed him about everything I have done during this process I have not kept things back because I want him to fully understand the situation.

Having a space like this has been so helpful thank you for your response!

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I’m so sorry you’re going through this difficult situation with your sibling. I’m glad this space has allowed you to at least vent a little. I wish I had more helpful advice. What you’re going through is what I’ll probably have to go through in the future with my sibling too. I can relate. It is exhausting to be seen as the enemy when it is clear to us how much you care for your sibling and how much you are doing out of love. I don’t know if talking to a social worker, guardianship lawyer, and/or estate lawyer might be helpful for navigating this broken system to help your sibling keep safe housing? You’re doing a lot and have been for a long time - 8 years! I just want to acknowledge how difficult it is and how strong and enduring your love is.

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Totally agree that he cannot be abusive toward you. I fear encountering this threshold with my brother, if it happens, where he is no longer cooperative, so I am rooting for you to handle this.

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Well I have had to talk with all of these people social workers, different housing programs, I have been in close contact with the most team over the last years which is the crisis team in his county,
the clinician there actually evaluated him and recommended guardianship applied for it and everything that he get State guardianship but of course it was denied.

One of the really hard parts is my sibling has anasognosia so he doesn’t recognize the illness or all the places the illness has taken him.

I am in contact with the estate lawyer because it’s pretty much absolutely necessary for the type of probate the house needs to go through.

This forum has been in place of refuge trying to navigate what many of us face

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Dear fellow sibling caretaker, it’s bittersweet that I know your pain. My sibling also has anasognosia and I have not yet been successful with the 3 party petition or guardianship. I have felt disappointed by the limited resources crisis and NAMI have recommended. It is truly difficult to help someone who doesn’t recognize and accept help… but we have to keep trying. Reading your post makes me both sad and slightly comforted. The struggle feels less lonely

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