Kind of had a mental breakdown this week

My ex-fiance with untreated Sz was rather hurtful again on our contact day. Second time in a row. Before that he had started to be sweet and gave me kisses. So the past two times sent me spiraling downward into depression. The hurtful things he said just kept building up in me. I can’t stand to see human suffering yet he accuses me of trying to kill him and spying on him for the government. He has replaced me with some monster in his mind. It hurts more than I can express. Plus he said things so out of character that I was shocked. All I could think was who is this man, this isn’t my Marcin. He said he would come back but he didn’t. All evening I thought of all the hurtful things he had said. It ate at my heart and soul, and I cried. Everyone tells me to not take what he says personally but it’s so hard. It feels like he totally hates me and the old him is dead and gone forever. I took sleeping pills to escape into sleep. I woke Monday morning from a dream of him. The moment consciousness took over, a great tidal wave of intense melancholy hit me. Then the shock of him being gone. I tried to ignore it and think of something else, but it was building too intense. I messaged a friend for help. Then all the anguish overwhelmed me and I curled up on the bed. I screamed from the intensity of the painful memories and loss and hopelessness swirling like a hurricane in my mind, then I broke down sobbing. I hurt so badly that I just wanted to die right at that moment to not feel the pain anymore. But I couldn’t move. Luckily my friend came over and put his arms around me. He didn’t judge me or anything. He said kind things to me. He helped me take more sleeping pills and stayed with me. I felt rather fragile when I woke up but that terrible anguish that had been building for the past week was gone. Depression is still here though.
I love my ex-fiance with all my heart and soul. No matter how much it hurts, I’ll always leave a way for him to contact me and be here when he needs me.
Yes, I do realize I could use a therapist too and some antidepressants. I just can’t afford it right now.
I hope that no one judges me or says anything insensitive. I just wanted to share what us on the other side of Sz go through. It hurts us as badly as the ones diagnosed with it.

Hello @kasia

I hope you are feeling better after some sleep and a friend. I admire your willingness to keep going in this relationship and keep your love and hope alive.

Grief is very powerful and I’m glad you had help getting through it.

It’s hard on many levels, watching someone you love get taken away and knowing there is nothing we can do to fix it.
I was also told many times that my brother has an illness and he doesn’t mean what he says and I shouldn’t take it personally.

After the tears, after the initial pain, then I can accept that. However, when I was getting yelled at and being accused of bad behavior, it still hurt.

I do hope your bf gets help and treatment. Finding the right meds helped bring my brother back.

Someone once told me we teach people how to treat us. I know you want to be there for your BF, but you don’t need your heart ripped apart. Learning how to set boundaries was very hard, but helpful. When I was younger, I had my Mom helping me learn when to walk away or quietly state a fact and hang up when my brother was not his normal kind self.

Setting boundaries taking care of yourself.

60 tips for helping people who have Sz

I hope you continue to heal.
Thank you for letting me post.

Thank you so much for writing. I really appreciate it. It felt like you understood all that I’ve been feeling. Yes, I feel better now. Just the constant depression is left.

I want to help him and I wish I could fix everything. I feel so helpless and powerless, especially when he pushes me away. I’ve tried different approaches but he keeps insisting that he’s fine.

He has talked about something he wanted to do and dreamed about it quite often. I brought it up with him one day. I told him that it was caused by a disease, that other 28 year old adults don’t think about things like that. He said it made him happy. I said yes and I was glad it had that effect on him. Then he said he had those thoughts before he met me (he blames me for everything now even though at the same time he insists that he is fine). I said yes that he had told me that and he’s apparently been sick for awhile. That it wasn’t me. That it was a disease. He got quiet and I could see he was thinking. I told him to please get help, that I’d be there for him if he was scared. He said again that it was before me. I thought I got through to him. I was pleading silently in my mind for him to agree to get help. But I watched him close up and disappear inside himself again. Then he insisted that he was fine and said that I was the crazy one who needed a doctor. He knows I’m sensitive about being called crazy because my ex-husband said that to me when he beat me. So I cried from the disappointment.
I keep hoping that something will click in him and he will get help. I want to see the old him come back, like before the delusions took over and consumed him. He was such a beautiful person.

I understand what you said about setting boundaries. I do let him walk all over me and control everything. I have much to learn still.

Thanks again for writing. Wishing all the best for you and your family.

When I look at some of the things I have done and said while psychotic I can only cringe. Your fiancé might feel that way some time in the future. Try to create a mental barrier between you and what your fiancé says when he is psychotic. You have to realize that he isn’t himself. Sz is a cruel disease. It is devastating to those around us. I think a person has to experience it to know how bad it can be. I hope things get better for you.

I had also a paranoid delusional attack in this week which is why I did not write here anything earlier in this week.

Thank you for your thoughts on it. I don’t know if he will be like that. He complains about memory problems. I read that Sz can cause that but how am I to know if he means it or is using it as an excuse? He either gets hostile or just clams up if I try to ask him about himself. The delusions and all could be so much easier to handle if they weren’t directed at me. He once told me that I was the only person he’s ever really trusted, besides his family, and now he doesn’t trust me at all due to the delusions. I don’t want him to feel bad for things he’s done. I still love him. I just want him to get help and stop thinking that I’m a monster. He’s so contradictory that I don’t know what he really wants. I don’t know if even he truly knows what he wants himself. Putting a barrier up is easier said than done. I keep telling myself that it’s the disease but it really hurts. But you are totally right. Sz is a terribly cruel disease.

I am so sorry that you have had a bad week too:( I hope that you are feeling better.

Id advise you to take a break form this guy. Hes in a bad place at the moment. You need a break. Don’t let him stress you. Yes schizophrenics do act totally out of character but I honestly belei9ev you need a break from him.

Thanks and I hear you, but I can’t. Besides, it wouldn’t change anything if we had zero contact. Actually it would be worse. Even though he says he is fine, he occasionally brings up suicidal thoughts. At least with us still having contact I can know he is still alive.