Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

Letting off some steam[first part potential trigger]

#1

I was talking with my mom earlier. The better I get the more I feel I’d be better with a PTSD label. My dad says the most monstrous, twisted things…even worse, he implies things, all the time, all day, every day. He’s very mentally ill, but he’s beyond that…abusive, to everyone. I asked mom why she hasn’t divorced him. “We’re married. End of story” I responded asking what jesus would do in this situation…“wouldn’t he do something about a man who’s psychologically abusing his children and wife?” She summed up that the bible says it’s wrong to divorce except in the case of adultery. I responded asking “If dad KILLED me, would you divorce him then?” She said “Josh that is not fair. He would be in prison anyway”

I’m not implying that dad would kill me. I am trying to get her to see how much pain her beliefs are causing everyone. So she either 1) thinks it’s not fair because I’m supposedly implying something on dad, or 2) because I made her realize how faulty and messed up her belief system is. I’m sure it’s a mix of the two.

The only reason I’m here is so I can get Hannah out, and how can I do that…how can I tell up from down if both of my parents can’t tell up from down. Life isn’t fair but this is beyond torture… She can’t even admit how bad dad really is, so how can I know if I’m delusional myself. I don’t let it out to Han. She doesn’t know what’s going on, but what she does know, I just tell her that I’m mentally ill. I place it all on my head gladly, just so this 9yo can grow up without the same pain I had. But sooner or later, she’s going to see what’s really happening, and it’s going to effect her.

Scene change: I drank coffee today in an experiement against other caffeineated beverages. Apparently, I’m just not made for any of it. I just want to push through the day, and it works, but apparently at the end I psych out about everything like I’m wound up way too tight. It may be bad here. It might be very bad here. But caffeine is a double edged deadly sword which disables my ability to both interpret and respond to situations. Maybe I just can’t drink it, especially here. For whatever reason, this is hard to prove to my sz self, so it recurs.

Onward to non-sz land.

#2

I don’t see much that could be triggering but please don’t post things you know might trigger others. A trigger warning in the thread title isn’t enough. This should be a safe place where people should never have to avoid threads out of fear of being triggered.

#3

This sounds oh-so-familiar!I haven’t seen or spoken to my mother and father in 27 years.They were terrible parents and I honestly wouldn’t have been able to be a functioning adult in that family.It,'s very hard,but at some point you will have to let go of your expectations for your parents.They will probably never be the parents you need them to be.You can either accept them for who they are and build a relationship around that or distance yourself from the chaos.I had some serious issues leaving my younger siblings behind.Everyone has a different situation.I can tell you that who I am today and the immense struggles I got through are all due to me not wanting to be the person my parents tried to make me.Hang in there!

#4

Thankyou. That’s very motivating and encouraging!

#5

Can I ask what MI your father has?

I’m not saying that this is the case however is it possible that some things are being misinterpreted? I can only go by my own experiences with my son and there were a lot of times when he perceived negative comments and emotions coming from me that were not there. I have been accused of being abusive so many times. I’m not trying to downplay what you are experiencing just questioning what is happening as you seem to be questioning yourself if there are delusions involved.

#6

Stigma is bad in this day and age… but imagine how life ending it was 30-40 years ago. My Aunt has been deep hiding about my Uncle’s behavior and treatment. I can’t say she’s in denial because there is no way to deny his actions. But she has been in the closet about it for a very long time.

It was only after I was born, grown, diagnosed and my Mom started being open about support groups, meds, treatment that my Aunt was finally open enough to admit she might need a little help.

It’s hard to do… but rely on them. You know what you know. You feel how you feel. I don’t think your delusional at all. You’ve said others in the family are stressed… that is a good indicator it’s not just you.

I can only go by my relationship with my kidsis… I have to say… my kid sis DID know something was up long before she was 9. Kids see, hear and put two and two together very quickly these days. I’d say… be open with your kid sis.

You have a job, your working and your healing fast, and doing well, and controlling this illness instead of it controlling you… this would be a perfect time to tell her a bit about yourself. She can understand you have a serious illness… but it’s not stopping you from loving her and doing what you want it to do.

#7

It’s interesting because everyone would agree with me that he’s mentally ill, however he refuses to see a doctor. He also doesn’t see that he’s mentally ill. I think he’s very bad off but also abusive. My brother and mom would agree that he is both, but not to that far of an extent. I feel that they simply don’t think enough, but when on medication I could atleast entertain the possibility that he might not be that bad.

I know some things are misinterpreted, maybe most things. The problem is that he says whatever he wants without regard, and he might not mean it to sound like it does, but I interpret it to be psyche dividing. For example, Hannah moved a flower pot the other day, I think a few inches closer to the wall. I think she was trying to get the dog toy or something. Dad became very angry that the pot was moved. “WHO MOVED THIS POT??” And then she’s forced to stand there and explain herself in a shaky voice, as if it ever mattered a micron where the pot was. Then dad goes on “The world’s always trying to get you down…” dot dot dot. So Hannah is the world? So this 9yo now feels like she’s the world, and she’s evil? She’s paranoid around both mom and dad, because of shit like that. I know I take it too far, but I can’t help but think I’m not really that delusional.

I’m sorry you go through what you do with your son. I hope he can grasp what you do for him.

#8

Ya that does sound a bit over the top and unnecessary. My dad would get like that sometimes over little things. Makes a child feel very insecure.

#9

:frowning: Yeah… But damn is it hard. Every time I leave this place, if only for 30 minutes, I get thoughts screaming “YOU’RE LEAVING HER. STOP. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” I think those are rational voices in response to irrational sz thoughts. I believe this to be a psychologically abusive environment, therefore I am killing her by leaving her here. Damn. It’s odd saying this out loud. I know it’s not just me, but I hope…god I really really hope it’s mostly me.

A light in the tunnel for me is my brother. Even though he’s socially unstable, gets extrememly hurt by others, and usually wants to be left alone, he will honestly tell me that it is not that bad here. Then again he is not here, but 100 miles north near a university. It could have worsened since he left. And when he was here, it was a constant struggle. I would always be the one to explode when dad said something, then I started keeping it on the inside. He would always be the one to flat out either 1) be cool with dad or only partially enraged, or 2) just flat out leave to somewhere else. I now take the 2. I’m ranting now…

Yeah. :frowning: This scares the living crap out of me.
She knows I love her though.