I was talking with my mom earlier. The better I get the more I feel I’d be better with a PTSD label. My dad says the most monstrous, twisted things…even worse, he implies things, all the time, all day, every day. He’s very mentally ill, but he’s beyond that…abusive, to everyone. I asked mom why she hasn’t divorced him. “We’re married. End of story” I responded asking what jesus would do in this situation…“wouldn’t he do something about a man who’s psychologically abusing his children and wife?” She summed up that the bible says it’s wrong to divorce except in the case of adultery. I responded asking “If dad KILLED me, would you divorce him then?” She said “Josh that is not fair. He would be in prison anyway”
I’m not implying that dad would kill me. I am trying to get her to see how much pain her beliefs are causing everyone. So she either 1) thinks it’s not fair because I’m supposedly implying something on dad, or 2) because I made her realize how faulty and messed up her belief system is. I’m sure it’s a mix of the two.
The only reason I’m here is so I can get Hannah out, and how can I do that…how can I tell up from down if both of my parents can’t tell up from down. Life isn’t fair but this is beyond torture… She can’t even admit how bad dad really is, so how can I know if I’m delusional myself. I don’t let it out to Han. She doesn’t know what’s going on, but what she does know, I just tell her that I’m mentally ill. I place it all on my head gladly, just so this 9yo can grow up without the same pain I had. But sooner or later, she’s going to see what’s really happening, and it’s going to effect her.
Scene change: I drank coffee today in an experiement against other caffeineated beverages. Apparently, I’m just not made for any of it. I just want to push through the day, and it works, but apparently at the end I psych out about everything like I’m wound up way too tight. It may be bad here. It might be very bad here. But caffeine is a double edged deadly sword which disables my ability to both interpret and respond to situations. Maybe I just can’t drink it, especially here. For whatever reason, this is hard to prove to my sz self, so it recurs.
Onward to non-sz land.