Loving someone with schizophrenia

[0672N]

Hi everyone,

I’m in a long-distance relationship with someone who has schizophrenia (and is on medication). We’ve been together for a long time, and there are many days filled with laughter, joy, and love we really connect well. Most of the time, I’ve been holding up okay. But sometimes, it’s really hard to navigate, especially because I have my own struggles too.

I try to be understanding. I give him space, I’m supportive, and I’m open to listening and accommodating his needs. Still, it hurts when he becomes harsh, angry, or verbally aggressive most of the time , especially when I don’t understand what’s going on.

Since we’ve been together for such a long time and shared so much, I’ve gently talked with him about my boundaries and feelings. Because this has been happening throughout our whole relationship him becoming cold, distancing himself, and withdrawing for long periods. it’s something I’ve had to learn to cope with over time. Honestly, as much as I try, I still miss him and love him deeply. When I’m met with harsh words or reactions I do my best to stay strong and patient, but I often feel so alone.

I don’t really have anyone who truly understands what this is like, so I’m hoping to find a community that gets it. I know it’s difficult for both of us. I want things to be easier for both of us in the long run. Sometimes I have no idea what’s happening, but I keep trying my best. (I might delete this later. not sure if anyone will see it but this situation really hurts, and thank you to those who read this.)

[Catherine]

Thanks for sharing your situation. I can appreciate how difficult it must be for you, navigating his and your own mental health. As a person who came from a family where every member had a serious mental illness and didn’t believe they did, or that they needed help it’s great that your friend is taking medication, although in all fairness, you can’t know if he is taking it as prescribed or with the required regularity (this possibility is extremely common). Long distance is hard even for the mentally healthiest of people. You never really get to see the day to day nitty gritty that you witness when you are dating in close proximity to each other. I want to add I also have an adult son with schizophrenia and he lives with me and we’ve navigated extreme situations together. I myself see a therapist to deal with my complex ptsd. Just giving some background info. Having shared that. My best unsolicited advice, such as it is, is to make your own mental health a priority. Don’t “get used to” having your boundaries, or needs ignored. Him having a mental illness or anybody really, is not just a free pass to do whatever and the rest of the world has to accommodate. He bears responsibility for his own behavior to an extent especially if he is in treatment and his symptoms are under control. If his symptoms are not under control well enough he needs to go back to his doctor and re-evaluate his treatment. In addition to his schizophrenia, he may or may not have other unresolved mental health issues that need to be addressed. I feel like everyone does if they admit it. Since I have been in therapy which has been several years now, I have emotionally grown and evolved so far. My relationship with my sz son and my other son who is on the spectrum has vastly improved and I have divorced myself of my original family, my mother and 3 sisters who are extremely ill and very toxic and bad for my well being. I am so much happier and calmer. I know it can be a comfort to know you have a “significant other” out there, whether far or near. However, keep in mind that, you can deeply care for or love someone and realize they are not good for your overall well being. If they won’t or can’t take steps to carry half of the relationship, at least as much as you are willing to contribute then he is not an asset to your life. However this is your decision, and yours alone. You are your own best advocate. Just know you matter and you deserve all of the respect and love that is out there for you. This may or may not be it. You have to decide. Don’t “settle”. If therapy is an option it is a great way to figure things out. I hope you know my advice is only a suggestion and presented with much care and based on my own experiences. I wish you the very best going forward.

[Dontknowwhattodo]

Hello.

I am in the same situation. I have a boyfriend since 7 years, we’ve been in a lot of places and lived together for 5 but he left me behind in different countries many times for impulsive decisions regarding a pension he gets in his country of origin. It has been 2 years now that he left he house I prepared for us to to be able to get the pension from his state. First year he was homeless and then living in a sort of social housing where I could not go, he came back here for 6 months and then realized he might lose it he left me here and went there and got another apartment with his mom’s help ( before she didn’t want to help).

Right now I am at a crossroad. It seems he wants to stay there for this pension ( that needs renewal in 3 years) and the therapy, but especially for the pension I am sure. He left me here with no idea or plan for the future of our relationship. He told me he would have come back if he could not find a home…but he found it and so he told me I can go sometimes and he can come sometimes. I don’t work at the moment but If i work I cannot go there for months…

Now he has this place and I don’t understand what am I supposed to do. Clearly if we want to be together all the time and build a life that is stable I should go there and work I don’t speak the language.

But at some point a doubt came into my mind, the doubt that he doesn’t want a proper stable life with me. He told me this place is temporary that he doesn’t see himself there for long, when I ask where then he doesn’t know.

I need to make life choices and I need to know what he wants. I have a house here where I am, it’s mine, he could also get a therapy but not the money)…I try to ask him if he wants me to move there but he tells me he can barely cope with suicidal thoughs or that he has difficulties picturing the future, then he told me that he would like to have me there, but he doesn’t know if it would work for me. At the same time he is going on with his life, he planned very well to get back the pension, to get a house ( before he never helped me finding accomodations I always had to do it) and to go to parties and to socialize. He invited me to go there,yes, but not to move there.

I hear him talking and I am never in his plans/ideas yet he talks to me everyday. So far I thought the final goal was to be together somehow, now I don’t see this from his side and it’s starting to be painful to be far away, with no plans whatsover listening to my bf’s plans that involve only him.

He told me that if we are patient something will happen or that we have to figure out, yet when I suggest the only solution possible and the moment that is very hard for me to do and very risky he doesn’ t seem interested and discourages me.

I am suffering a lot and I cannot even discuss this with him. Before leaving here I cried that he was leaving again and he told me I am selfish because he needs this. I have been by his side (physically and virtually) all of this time through very bad situations and I helped him also and ecouraged him and now I feel like I am not wanted and I keep being a person to talk to.

i have no advices for you, I am trying to figure out my situation, but maybe what is happening to me can inspire you.