In October 2016 I returned home from grad school due to schizophrenia and a month later I was stable on meds. But the illness affected my mind heavily giving me less thoughts, emotions/feelings. It felt like twilight where my entire world was dimmed and I was aware I will never be completely normal again. I was also disappointed on losing school and an imaginary boyfriend but it didn’t last long. I don’t know how but in that dimness I still felt other kinds of happiness such as celebrating Thanksgiving with my parents, finding friendship on an online schizophrenia forum, and going Christmas shopping. The forum members encouraged me to go out for lunch with mom. It seems counterintuitive but that darkness gave me a new meaning to being happy with the little things. Christmas 2016 my mom and I watched the sunset at Kakaako and got strawberry boba. Spring of 2017 I started reading a romance about a girl who wasn’t a good student and liked fashion. I tried online dating and briefly held a job. Fortunately my feelings and emotions returned to some degree and in August 2017 I was referred to support group where I met my BFF Jackie. Jackie really had a can-do attitude towards schizophrenia, introduced me to new friends, and encouraged me to set goals. Meanwhile in my head was the song “Most Girls” by Hailee Steinfeld. I still wanted to be normal, borrowing books at the McKinley book fair. I miss those days watching the sunset and the lights come on at dusk time. Watching the waves after dark at my mom’s boss’s house somehow gave me the sense that time was leaving me behind and I couldn’t hold on to that moment any longer. Somehow no longer working, relapses, Jackie leaving, stole much of that happiness away from me. Lately my symptoms have grown a bit violent as well.
Hang in there Tukey-
You have been through so much but you are clearly a brave person and you can get better. I hope that you have a therapist to talk to and that you talk with your doctor regularly because they may be able to help your symptoms. Do you have doctors to talk to?
Thanks for asking but my psychiatrist thinks I’m fine. Just wanted to share how I felt happy despite my illness and am looking forward to Thanksgiving and Black Friday. I hope your family feels the same.
Keep your head up. I enjoyed reading your share. I agree that finding things to be happy about on your new normal is important tinged with sadness. As the mom of a sz 33 yo- I have to tell you I go through that too. Most of us diagnosed or not have to navigate change good and bad and find things we care about to keep us moving.
Don’t give up on you. Happy thanksgiving.
Tukey, you are a wonderful writer. I enjoyed your share. As the mom of a sz 38 yo, keep up the good attitude and kind feelings. Sometimes you have to change up your meds with this illness so keep up with your doctor.
Everyone online says this. I’ve asked to change meds several times over the years but he has insisted I stay with my current one for about two years now. I am happy on meds but occasionally have outbursts. I don’t notice and side effects. Among other reasons, this is the strongest med I have so far. It’s fine but I realize most people who suggested a med change over the years ended up bursting in anger and disappearing from my social life.