Need advise , stressed out!

[Momofson]

Hi I am sorry to hear about the conflict you experience between your son and husband. I have experienced the same thing as well. Being torn between my husband and my son is very stressful.

We have a blended family of 6 adult children. My son is 27 he lives on his own he was diagnosed with SZ just over a year ago after being hospitalized involuntary for 30 days. Before my sons SZ was noticeable my husband for years has said that I baby my son and my son manipulates me and it got very uncomfortable at my house when my son came to visit (usually twice a week for dinner). there were a few dinners Before my son was hospitalized when I thought there might be a punch or two thrown. That plus the passive aggressive from my husband was horrible. (this behavior from my husband was not new it had been going on for years on and off). I think there was jealousy from my husband because I am very close with my son, my husband isn’t close to any of his children. We have very different ideas on how to parent children. I got to the point that I made up my mind to leave my husband and told him so. I felt that it was more stressful living with him when he wasn’t supportive than if I was on my own. He was shocked that I felt it was so bad and after some counseling and lots of work plus a few other workshops we have come to a better place. We joined a NAMI family group shortly after son was diagnosed and it was really helpful. It turns out my husband had a uncle diagnosed with SZ when he was a child and he was a burden to the family and very stressful. My husband thought that was what we were in for. He was scared. all that aside he still was an ass and I deserve better than that. My husbands behavior caused me to feel very stressed and unsupported. I deserve to feel relaxed and supported by my partner. when my husband goes back to his old behavior i have to have to stand up for myself right away tell him to smarten up or I am leaving. I have found that if we are good in our relationship and I feel supported I can handle anything that comes our way. (including my sons SZ) If I don’t feel supported by my husband all situations seem to be worse and overwhelming.
I really related to your post and hope you get the support that works for you. Take care.

[Linda]

Hi , I’m sorry you went through all that too, its unbelievable reading your story was almost identical to mine except my son is 22 and diagnosed 3 years ago . I have had no support from my husband what so ever , in fact i have had more stress from him than you can imagine . So few weeks i told my husband that either he leaves the house or we go to counselling again and after he put his pride aside he said he will go so we have an appointment this Tuesday . Sometimes i have such resentment towards him especially when he digs at me , for example i said to him that my son is having trouble sleeping and he replies thats because he’s thinking of you ( in a sarcastic way ) i ignore him and try not to let it aggravate me but to be honest ,and i will tell the therapist, i feel its mental abuse . Even the very short visits my son comes to see me he doesnt like it , he goes into another room and ALWAYS ignores him and hides away . When his son visits i make so much effort to make him smile and i take him out where ever he wishes to go . My husband feels i spoil my son too much and he needs to grow up and be a man and fend for himself . My husband was so angry that my family bought my son an apartment , i told him that he should be thanking my family that my son doesnt live with us and there is less stress in the house but NO he is jealous that it came easy for him . My son has a brain disease , not his fault , and my husband just doesnt get it and doesnt want to either . My son is barely in our lives due to his isolation and even that its annoying for my husband . I so understand how you feel , i had a normal son few years ago and the shock and trauma i had to pass ALONE with the stress and anger from my husband was beyond words and unforgivable . i only have my husband here as all my family live in another country and its very hard . Thank Gd i have a very good friend here who has helped me so much with all my crisis with my son and husband . Thanks To Nami and this site too . I take one day at a time and pray every day . Hope things are better for you .