I don’t even know if I am in the right place. I just know I am in desperate need of someone that understands what I’m going through, even if no one can offer any advice. I just feel so alone.
My husband (46 yo medically retired veteran) was recently diagnosed with schizoaffective bipolar disorder. It has been a long difficult road trying to determine exactly what his diagnosis was; I’m relieved that his new doctors seem to have an understanding of what he is going through and have put him on a new medication regiment that seems promising. He was recently hospitalized for an unrelated illness and missed three days of all of his medications even though I expressed fear about this the entire time, and for good reason, the past few days since his release have been pure hell.
He has been hospitalized three times for mental health concerns. 30 days in 2012, 7 in
April this year after he overdosed and was unconscious for several days before miraculously waking up and seemingly having no lasting damage, and 7 more in September after threatening to use a knife to kill himself and disappearing on foot for several hours.
I suffer from anxiety and depression myself. Despite the fact that I have been dropped by two therapists in two years because I can’t seem to schedule enough appointments to make it worth their while, I think I am doing ok, most days. I can say this because my medications work well and I have implemented years of prior cognitive behavioral therapy to my life, enough to understand and recognize when I need more help than I currently have available to me. I’m working on finding a new therapist that can work with my schedule but until I find one I am hoping to find a place to vent my furstrations, and seek advice and support from people who are in a similiar situation and understand what it is like to live with and love someone with this illness.
I adore my husband. Well, in truth it would be more accurate to say that I adore the man I married. I don’t see very much of him anymore. Instead I see a narcissistic, angry, paranoid, delusional, violent man who scares the living hell out of me. I am learning what some of his triggers are but then again, some days everything seems to trigger him. I feel like I walk on eggshells all day every day and there is absolutely no correct way to say or do anything once he gets started.
Like I said, I don’t know exactly what to say, or if I am even in the right place. I just don’t want to feel so alone in all of this. I feel trapped; not by my marriage, but by this illness.
Thanks for reading.