Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

People giving me a hard time for not wanting kids


#1

I don’t want kids, and everyone treats me like I’m some kind of horrible person for it. There are a lot of reasons I don’t want kids, but the biggest reason I don’t want children is that I know myself and I don’t feel that I am capable of properly caring for a child. I don’t have the temperament, foresight, or attention span to care for someone who depends on me 24/7/365 for everything. People treat me as though I’m failing in my “responsibilities as a woman” for not wanting kids. Personally, I THINK I’M MAKING THE MATURE, RESPONSIBLE DECISION! If I’m not fit to be a parent, it would be irresponsible for me to have kids. But no, it’s always “Oh, when you have kids…” “Oh, you’ll change your mind and want them someday…” “Oh you should never miss out on being a mother…” “You know, it’s really selfish of you to not want children where there are so many women who would give anything to have a child…” “what about when your husband wants kids?” It’s driving me nuts! Why can’t people just respect my decision to not reproduce. And my fiancé doesn’t want kids either. And I’m not only concerned about my ability to care for a child, WHAT IF THEY INHERIT MY SZ?! Obviously schizophrenics can lead full and normal lives, but I don’t want to take the chance that I may have a child who would give anything to be “normal” or have a child who’s so mentally ill that they need to be institutionalized. I would never want to put someone through what I’ve been through and potentially worse. I’m being rational right? Are my reasons for not wanting children legitimate?


#2

we did not have kids because of my sz aswell.
not an easy decision but the right one for us.
it takes courage…stay strong.
take care :alien:


#3

Thank you for that feedback, I used to really want kids. People don’t understand that it’s actually been a sacrifice for me to decide to not have kids. I’m sorry you guys had to make the same sacrifice


#4

:rabbit: hug
take care :alien:


#5

I never wanted kids. It’s ended some of my relationships. You’re very wise, especially if you’ve discussed this with your fiance.


#6

Thank you, I’m glad you think it’s a wise decision. It helped end one of my past relationships. That’s why I talked about it with my fiancé before we got engaged. For some people, disagreeing on kids can be a deal breaker, and for me I can’t marry someone who wants children, even if they’re willing to give up the idea for me. I feel like I’d be robbing them of something they have a right to have. For me to marry my fiancé, he had to definitively know he would never want kids. I’m lucky I found him


#7

I for the longest did not want kids, but my partner does. We can’t have children naturally with both of us being women. So my partner wants to get a sperm donor. We are not sure if either of us can have children. I can’t because of my meds and I haven’t had a period in over two years. I’m also scared to pass on my sza. it was passed down to me from my father.

she may not be able to because of the cysts on her ovaries. So after she gets her degree to become an RN she wants to adopt. I don’t know if I can handle a child. I’m fine babysitting but I don’t think I can handle a screaming, crying child.


#8

Have you thought about adoption if you guys can’t have kids on your own?? I know a couple who have naturally had children and have adopted and they said that they love their adopted children just as much as their biological children. Unfortunately adoption is costly, but if you guys want kids, it would be such a shame for you to miss out. I feel like you’re just what a child needs. You would be caring and loving parents, and sadly there’s a shortage of parents who give their children proper TLC. Of course I sympathize if you don’t feel you can deal with full time parenting


#9

You’re absolutely right! Plus it’s your decision. It’s also nobody else’s business. Tell people that when they make rude comments about it. For a while I wanted kids, but when I really thought about it I couldn’t handle the responsibility. Plus the risk of passing along mental illness as I am sz and my boyfriend is bipolar. I have low motivation to do simple housework. I would be a horrible parent. Just remember this is your choice no one else’s. :sunny:


#10

I’m a 57 year old male, and I’m not having kids either, but it’s not by intention. I never was stable enough to provide a good home. Sometimes I feel like I’m missing out, but I also realize I’m not getting a huge load of worry by not having kids. So many things can go wrong with kids.


#11

it’s not that I can’t deal with full time parenting its i’m scared to be a full time parent. What if I do something wrong? What if I snap?


#12

@SunGirl thank you, I really needed to hear that. I just gotta remember that it’s my choice and others need to respect that. I also have low motivation. My mom has to beg me to sweep the floors, I just really don’t ever wanna do it.

@crimby I agree with the amount of things that can go wrong. I’d be terrified that I’d leave something somewhere and they’d swallow it, I’d look away for a second and they’d hurt themselves, I’d pour all this love and effort into them and they’d turn out a mess somehow, etc. I can’t handle that amount of variables :frowning:


#13

Ohhh I understand, I do feel that way as well. Like what if they did something bad on a day when My SZ symptoms are flaring and it made me mad and I hurt them? I would like to think I could control myself since there’s never an excuse to hurt a child…but what if I lost control anyway? I would never forgive myself if I hurt my kid or damaged them emotionally in the middle of a psychotic break


#14

I’m sorry there are people who feel the need to give you a hard time for a decision that is yours and your alone.

If you don’t want kids… then not having them seems like a wise choice.

I hope you can find a way to ignore the unwanted input… Wishing you the best… stay strong :v:


#15

Thanks, you guys have given me a good push to keep on making my own decisions and not letting what other people say affect how I live my life. I needed that :slight_smile:


#16

your reasons are totally legitimate. My dad has sz and he couldnt take care of me. Also i got sz too. And coming from the child that would be in your kids place i would rather not be born than have to deal with some things i have to deal with. Also if your main problem is them inheriting sz you might want to consider adopting. Which is what i plan on doing if i recover enough to take care of myself and a child


#17

The bad truth is that as a woman you’ll always be guilty for ‘not being a woman enough’ in this so call emancipated society.
That’s a principle of double binding, the one in which everything function when it comes to woman’s existence. They make you want things, then they’ll make you feel guilty for wanting it.

The perverse dynamics of narrow minded, bigoted, troubled Oedipus’s sons will make you inhabit and pass on the feeling of incompleteness for as long as you live.

Of course, unless you are aware of it and put the dickheads in their place by deconstructing their dirty games. Loudly and bravely. Old fashioned ‘fuck off’ also works. :wink:


#18

In my view, what would be really, really selfish is having children in an already over-populated world when you have so many doubts about it. I never understood why my parents gave birth to me, and they were never able to explain it - it’s appalling that so many people decide they can have children without wondering first what it means to be a parent. I don’t want children either, personally, for this and several other reasons. A philosopher called Emil Cioran once wrote: “If only the children I never had knew how much happiness they owe me!”.


#19

Yes I definitely would feel awful if I had a kid and they felt that way because I have them SZ :frowning: If I ever get back to the way I was before my SZ, I’d love to adopt! I feel like the best thing I could ever do with my life is give a home and love to a kid that would otherwise have to go without those things


#20

Words of wisdom :blush: I’ve been afraid to tell people off because I might sound rude, but you’re so right. Some people just need a good telling off. The next time some grouchy lady looks down her nose at me for not wanting kids, I’ll just tell her to go shove it. So far almost every adult woman in my life and most of my peers have said these things to me and now I think I’ve put up with it long e mnough. They say it’s cuz they “care” and don’t want me to make a “mistake” by not having kids but it’s my life! Thanks Sarad :blush: