Hello everyone,
I’m so glad to find this community and would appreciate your advice. Apologies for the long post!
Around 3 months ago I met a lovely guy, who, unknown to me at first, took cocaine daily. He explained he had undiagnosed ADHD and used it to help him regulate and function (it did actually seem to make him more focussed and organised!).
He was desperate to be formally diagnosed and start proper meds, so I organised a private assessment and helped him work through the process to get medication. Due to a series of life events in the last few months he’s been sofa surfing or staying in his van so I said he could stay with me to have a stable base while starting meds.
While waiting for his assessment, late one night he suddenly started accusing me of having had someone else in the house while he was out that evening. He walked into the bedroom and turned on the light while I was sleeping. He was connecting completely random things as ‘proof’. It was very frightening, not physically but just his pure conviction and refusal to listen to any reason. He apologised profusely the next morning, but when he returned from work later that day just picked up where he’d left off with the same accusations, then flitted between accusation and apology several times over a couple of hours. It was scary and I felt unsafe so asked him to leave, which he did.
A few days later we reconciled after he’d been sober and convinced me he wouldn’t touch coke as soon as he started his ADHD meds as he was scared to mix them.
The first day of his meds I was away with friends but we were in touch during the day and he was really positive. Later that night he told me he’d taken some coke ‘just to see what it did’ in his words and I watched him descend into paranoia again, asking where I was, that he didn’t feel safe, voice notes saying my ‘cover story’ was nonsense and he knew I was with ‘him’, repeated calls. He then disappeared for 36 hours.
He eventually made contact and I convinced him to come home. He apologised and assured me he’d taken his meds and wouldn’t be mixing again because it had been awful. He got home that night and was apologetic, affectionate and fine until he admitted he’d done a ‘tiny’ bit of coke. Then over the space of an hour he went from loving and apologetic to totally paranoid and started with the same allegations citing bizarre unconnected things as ‘evidence’.
I was so scared it had happened again so quickly. I realised he wasn’t actually going to be able to not mix meds and coke, despite the risks. In an attempt to de-escalate things I left immediately and slept in my car. He unravelled over text, telling me he would call the police, felt unsafe, needed to get out but couldn’t find his things, repeated calls. I didn’t answer and sent calm texts saying we’d talk in the morning but I needed rest. I though not engaging would make it pass sooner.
The next morning when I went back I found he’d packed most of his things and left. He later sent me a vile message accusing me of awful things (which he later deleted). I told him he could collect the rest of his things when I was back from work and had a friend meet him there. I assumed he would have sobered up by then and the worst would have passed but he told her that she needed to understand, that I had given her a false story, that if there was any ‘come back’ he’d call the police, that I was psychotic and needed serious psychological help. It was so awful to hear from someone I care about so deeply.
I haven’t heard from him since (2 days now) and suspect I won’t. When this happened previously I’ve messaged him to let him know I love him, he should come home, he’s not alone etc but this time I haven’t because while he’s mixing meds and not committed to getting well I can’t risk having him in my life.
I’m so torn with what to do. I’m so worried about the state he could now be in mixing meds, coke and weed. I feel so guilty I’ve led him to a potentially worse place by organising the assessment and meds! I have contact details for his brother (but have never actually met him), as well as the clinic prescribing his meds, but I’m scared if he’s in an ongoing paranoid state that contacting either of them will only reinforce the story he’s telling himself about me.
I’m scared he’s in a bad place with little support around him. Should I reach out to him, his family or his doctors? Or should I prioritise my own safety and accept I did what I could. It’s horrible to care so much about someone and have to accept you can’t fix it for them.
Any advice is so welcome! Thanks for reading this far.