Rapid decline in spouse, seeking suggestions from the universe


#1

I am new to this but feel that I need help that i cant seem to find. My spouse is a paranoid schizophrenic. He has been my best friend for 17yrs, and i am one of the few people (if not the only) that he trusts over the voices since we knew each other long before the diagnosis and i have always been trustworthy.

We have been back in each others lives and together for 4yrs now (post diagnosis). We have had a long rough battle and i was actually the one that got him to seek help professionally again after his first attempt failed (side effects to meds etc). He has 10 pills left, but needs a new referral to get into a psychiatrist. Which due to his mental illness, my own, my 3 children, work, and life… has yet to happen.

But even on the meds hes not fully functional. And more recently id even say they just arent helping any longer.

2wks ago we went to visit his foster brother who was his role model growing up and where a bulk of his morals, reasoning, behaviors was molded by. He hadnt seen him in 5yrs and the visit didnt go at all the way he had expected. But moreover, he realized that his foster brother isnt at all the man he thought he was(doesnt practice what he preached so to say).

Since then my spouse has been tumbling out of control. The rapid decline is devastating and i just do not know what to do.

Last week i was the enemy for the first real time. (Little spats here and there but we could always talk it out, or he was getting too intense and ive asked him to leave and then the next day we talk it out) i am taller than him and with my anxiety during stressful situations my ‘octaves’ go up. I still couldnt tell you how we even got there. One minute im holding him and trying to be supportive cuz he was crying in a fetal position on the kitchen floor and the next we are in the bathroom and hes standing on the bathroom sink (at this point i was attempting to disengage and take a shower because he was upset i had brought up something that i hadnt actually brought up, he had) and hes screaming at me and i couldnt even recognize my best friend and all i could tell him was that he was scaring me until he left.

Now i wasnt scared of any physical harm. Id like to make that clear. I have zero fear that he will ever harm myself or my children. I had DV issues with my eldest sons father and i have tested this man thru my own insecurities.

The next day when he came home we talked as we always do. He admits at that point he wasnt in control. But he had 3 police interactions where he claims he told them his condition and that he needed help, but they didnt. Now, its hard to tell whats ‘real’ which after living with a schizophrenic makes you question the validity of that word, and i have yet to fully investigate this (because this deeply alarms me that our boys in blue would allow him to continue to roam skitzn (our word for it) all over town in the middle of the night). He claims to have gotten in a physical altercation and honestly my brain is so overwhelmed i cant even recall what else.

More has been revealed to me in 12 days than in 4yrs and he seems to be losing his grip on controlling it. Hes the type of man who says men dont cry and has been crying multiple times a day during this period. Apologizing and scared

A few days ago we were at walmart and while i check out he and the boys always wait outside. They were playing and laughing when i walked out so i crossed the parking lot to the car as i always do and they follow eventually, but a guy on a bike rode past and my spouse started getting verbally aggressive. I attempted to call him to snap him out of it (which usually works) and it did for about half a second, then he started to pursue the guy on the bike and my children got scared and scattered like cockroaches. It happened so quick and so fast that i couldnt have acted quick enough. My 4yr old bolted in front cars to run to me. My 6yr old ran to my spouse cuz his daddy will protect him. And my 12yr old froze and watched the 4yr old run in front of the cars.

He disengaged from the guy on the bike while i was collecting my kids and screaming at him cuz what else do you do??? But when he came to the car, he was determined that the guy on the bike is the 1 that (in his head) waits for him around the corner from our house to kill him. And even later learn that he believes its one of the voices.

So now, i fear to leave him unsupervised with the boys in public. How do u take a dads right to take his kid to the store away? How do u tell ur best friend that? Especially when they are a paranoid schizophrenic.

Last night i fell asleep on his chest. I woke up to him skitz… crying… scared…

He had left (i never knew) and had went to walmart and had a skitz attack and thankfully one of the managers knows us and was able to get him outside and out of the situation. Supposedly another police contact where they just let him go. And a physical altercation with a random individual who he thought to be one of the voices that left his only friend telling him that he is dangerous.

I went out to my garage and he has taped papers w the names of the voices written on them to the chairs and walls. He had to have a talk w them he had mentioned previously. Concerned beyond explanation, we tried to do something family oriented and went for a walk to 7-11 with our 4yr old.

We ate our donuts outside on a bench and he was still skitzn, crying, talking nonsensical but that we are kinda used to. Then i find out that he cant go home cuz there 2guys waiting for him so i suggested a different route thru the elementary school so our 4yr old could play while we rode out the skitz. But he is so annimated that it can be intimidating to someone who doesnt understand and that causes the looks which starts the verbal altercation. Its mentally exhausting.

He cant look at planes in the sky cuz they are spy planes looking for him, hes scared of terrorists striking on our land which is leading to stereotyping in public… and has for the last few nights been taking down the flag in front of our local firehouse because they are transmitting messages to his brain.

Im completely overwhelmed by all this. i see my best friend rapidly deteriorating and i do not know how to help him.

I have made promises to not have him committed in the past, and more recently i have promised to try not to let them take him cuz im not sure i can keep my original promise. To him its like making a deal with the devil.

At the end of the day i will do what i need to do if he becomes a physical threat.

BUT id hate to see his world crumble apart when the only person he trusts has to break that trust.

Id like to find a better route but dont have the tools or the map to find it


#2

The physical altercations your husband is having with strangers are “danger to others.” It’s time to get him some help, possibly involuntarily.

Document every physical altercation he has with a stranger; it sounds like he believes they are embodiments of his voices?

There should be a mobile crisis unit or something like that in your area (PM me or post your county if in US) that can meet with him outside a doctor’s office, even at home.

You are doing everything you can; sometimes medical attention is the only possible response. I understand that you promised you would not have him committed, but could you get him to an ER? Someone there might be able to help.

Also, if you have to break your promise for his safety and anyone else’s, you already know that that action would be taken out of love and care.


#3

I appreciate your response.

The local police are supposed to be trained in mental health by FERC because our area does not have a mobile health unit. But on 4 occasions now have supposedly not wanted to see or deal with his current mental status. I am aware of the 3 factors that qualify one for a 5150. Danger to self, danger to others, or inability to care for oneself. Its not about what is true. It is about what you can prove in front of the responding authorities.

I have sat in many a family support group and heard how their loved one was coherent enough to stay home. Once i open that door it can not be closed. I have always been upfront and honest which i believe is why we have made it this far. All trust will be lost if it doesnt go the way intended.

The physical altercation i did not personally witness. Moreover its heresay from a paranoid schizophrenic whose reality is not same as yours or mine. Nor do i have any way to prove that it had happened if it even had.

My son has an appointment with his psychiatrist on monday (who my spouse also saw previously) and i will see if she has any input.

I thank you for your response if you have any further input you feel may help im willing to listen. I just know that our system isnt quite as black and white as one would hope for in such situations


#4

Yes it might be time to get involuntary help. The defense of others reaction is how my husband described the voices to me. He said they don’t tell you to do things or to hurt people or yourself but that others are going to hurt you or yours. That you’re protecting or defending yourself or others. He has no desire to harm anyone but is made to believe that people knows his thoughts, are watching him all the time and that he’s a game to them that they enjoy tormenting. ‘They’ can be anyone, so anyone can come across as threatening. I hope this helps a little…??


#5

Hi Im a loved one of someone with scz. We r both recovered drug addicts (meth), for him many types of drugs, and with a condition of scz since he was young.

I have a question for you to maybe help- Is ur husband using any street drugs right now? Or do u suspect he might be?
Im only asking because in my boyfriends unique scz (seems lik each person with scz has unique scz to them) has had periodic times of escalation or extreme episodes during times of drug abuse with his scz meds & off scz meds… Almost all his severe episodes have been during substance abuse. Right now, hes stable & living a full safe life but without any scz meds & absolutely no substance usage.
I hope for you and ur family that hes not using any drugs besides his scz meds and its possible hes not.
Please dont think that me asking is true in your situation, each person has different experiences with scz loved ones.


#6

I have read this more than once and it’s very familiar as well as humbling. I can’t begin to express my empathy for you and your children and would give more than you know to help you.

Unfortunately while my loved one is a 110lb woman and not physically intimidating her episodes have gotten worse and at this moment I have no reason to believe anything will improve unless she admits there is a problem. Plus when we do argue she now resorts to threats of having my son taken away, calling the police, etc, which is everything I tried to avoid by staying single for nearly a decade before letting her into our lives.

Somewhat fortunately she has another place to go (mom’s) and we are not married, but that doesn’t feel too helpful when all you want is peace with the one you have come to love so dearly.

In your case I’d have to agree with the others, as if he is always present by default and the children are being effected you will likely have to make an extremely painful decision soon for the greater good.


#7

In his mind it surely is…in fact that was somewhat along the lines we heard after our first involuntary admit last spring. The push back we got was not easy…the first words he said after initiating the process were “I am never speaking to you again”. That was tough, but I smiled and said, I know, but I will always love you.

I am so sorry you are going through this and sorry the kids are witnessing the breakdown. It is tough on them but at the end of the day, you have to do what is best for everyone. Even if that means breaking a promise. You can always say, once you are past this crisis, in retrospect that is a promise you should have never made and made it out of naivety.
Going forward, remember, safety is number one, not feelings. So you can assure him you will not pursue an admission unless he is a danger to himself and or others because you love him. Hang in there.


#8

I wanted to take a moment to thank everyone for taking the time to share their thoughts, input, and experiences with me before I headed to bed. As well as give an update.

Last Monday I was able to have a long chat with his most recent psychiatrist during my son’s appt(who is doing just fine and just needed his refills). She was able to give me a lot of insight from her own personal experience and knowledge of our family that really settled some of my anxiety.

But more importantly he finally made the phone call for the referral so that he can make an appt. Also, he has agreed to start taking injectables(on his own terms) and has been researching the different meds that come in that form. Now tomorrow(or when he can push thru the skitz to pick up the phone) he needs to call and make an appt.

I wish I could say it’s been an easy week. But, we made some break thru progress that I’ve been trying to get accomplished for around 8mos, and that is something to be thankful for.

Goodnight


#9

Thank you for the update. I’m glad there is something to be thankful for.