Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

Getting ready to leave paranoid schizophrenic husband of 20+ years


#1

Hello - This is kind of a combination intro and venting, and asking if any one else has been in a similar situation. Thanks for letting me join. (Actually, I was on some kind of schizophrenia message board probably 15 years ago. It might have been this one, but I don’t remember and that was many computers ago.)

So, I stuck with him for way too long due to … stupidity? sense of responsibility? guilt? However, I will be leaving soon. He has places to go, siblings and/or parents, so he won’t be homeless.

He thinks he knows better than the doctors and won’t follow their advice. He takes some of his prescribed meds but not all. He thinks he has all the problems of the world solved, and posts his solutions on Facebook (believe me, they don’t make any sense). He never lets a fact interfere with his opinion. He thinks he’s perfectly healthy even with decades of heavy smoking and coughing fits multiple times a day.

I’m done with his total selfishness. He never puts me or our children ahead of himself. He smokes in the house even though it gives the rest of us asthma attacks and/or migraines. One of our sons had to force him to come to the hospital when our daughter was dying last year (he was saying she’ll be fine, the doctors are wrong, it’s ONLY a code blue, that just means her oxygen is low). Meanwhile, I have an urn with ashes and some photos, all that is left of her.

Now it’s time to save myself. We have other kids but they’re all adults. I’ll be moving in with one of them.

I hope I haven’t allowed his view of the world to damage me too much. I want to find myself again and help my kids get on with their lives, too.

Thanks,
FiddleDeeDee


#2

It sounds like a miserable situation for you to be in. Without knowing all the details, it sounds like you have made up your mind and are doing what’s best for you. I know there may be some guilt there, but you have a right to have a happy life.

I wish you the best of luck.


#3

I’m deeply sorry about your daughter. I can’t fathom that kind of loss. I have a son who is everything to me.
I think you’re doing the right thing to leave. I hope you find some happiness in this life.
I feel bad for your husband despite your description of a complete *******. I hope he gets the help he obviously needs. Maybe your leaving will touch whatever is left of himself and spur him to seek help.


#4

So sorry. Take care of yourself, and best wishes for healing and recovery.


#5

Marriages fall apart all the time. Is it sad, sure, but does it have anything to do with schizophrenia? So many people blame all their partner’s issues on schizophrenia. Once again, what does any of what she posted have to do with schizophrenia?


#6

It very well may have to do with SZ, as her husband has SZ. She even explains her frustration with him not taking his medications. I think many of us can relate to not taking medications and the poor results of those decisions. And, I think many family members can probably relate to how difficult it can be to deal with someone suffering from SZ.

I didn’t get the impression that she is simply blaming SZ.

I guess I don’t understand what the point of making disparaging remarks is. Can you? Sure, but how does that help her?


#7

I was just going to break down what you said, but you’ve captured it all.

If he’s not abusive then ask yourself:

Are you unreconcilable? and How would you feel if he had someone else?

It sounds like you need a break, but not necessarily a break in your relationship! Maybe you could arrange to stay at your daughters for a week and see how you feel after that?

Then if you feel like you’d like your relationship still consider couples counselling.


#8

It is totally understandable to need to put yourself first finally. Some people just aren’t well enough to handle being in a relationship. You don’t have to feel obligated to stay miserable your whole life trying to support someone who doesn’t even make an effort to get healthy. I hope you can find happiness and relief through your decision.


#9

I don’t understand why there is a problem if she chose to simply blame SZ for the breakup of her marriage. Many people with SZ are very hard to live with. I could very easily see the demise of a marriage based upon one partner’s mental illness; sz.


#10

Hedgehog, thank you. I do feel bad for him, too. But not enough to sacrifice my life for his anymore.


#11

You’re doing the right thing without a doubt. I really wish you happiness. I have sz but I’m aware enough to atleast try not to make my husband miserable. We all have personal responsibility. My ex-husband is a sociopath. I felt sorry for him at first because he had been abused as a child, and believed I could help him, but he was so abusive towards me that I had to leave. God bless!


#12

He’s not outright abusing me, no bruises, no broken bones. But he does many small hurtful things. He randomly throws out my some of my possessions. He smokes around me when I repeatedly tell him it gives me migraines (but he doesn’t believe me - thought blocking?). He’s dented my car in the past and not bothered to tell me, then when I noticed and got angry, I was the bad guy for yelling at him. Those are just a very few examples. If I can’t blame that on schizophrenia, then call it passive-aggressive. He’s good at coming up with excuses for why it’s not his fault.

Yes, it’s irreconcilable on my part, and I don’t care if he gets someone else. I spent a week at the beach recently with a friend and it was heaven. I dreaded coming home. Nothing changed.


#13

I want to clarify - “…not enough to sacrifice my QUALITY of life for his anymore.”


#14

Narcissistic ego defenses (see below) + psychosis. Pretty much impossible to treat until the narcissist crashes into reality. (And one may have to wait a very long time for that to happen.)

http://www.millonpersonality.com/theory/diagnostic-taxonomy/narcissistic.htm

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/basics/definition/con-20025568

You may want to look into the data at this website, including their list of “patterns and characteristics” to see how you were set up to put up with this for so long. CoDA meetings offer a wonderful way to feel supported in the midst of such challenges, as well as treatment regimen to get loose of the social conditioning that traps us in these relationships.

http://coda.org/

http://coda.org/index.cfm/meeting-materials1/patterns-and-characteristics-2011/

Other good therapies for that, that just reading about may produce plenty of insight:

REBT – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rational_emotive_behavior_therapy
Schematherapy – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schema_Therapy
Learned Optimism – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learned_optimism
Standard CBT – https://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Treatment/Psychotherapy & scroll down
MBBT – https://www.newharbinger.com/blog/introduction-mind-body-bridging-i-system
10 StEP – http://pairadocks.blogspot.com/2015/04/the-10-steps-of-emotion-processing.html


#15