Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

So bad so fast again and again

I am a bit of a mess right now. In the rawness of it at the moment. So everything I type is coming from that state…raw and unfiltered. Right now I hate him I hate this illness and I hate my life and tear stained angry because I am tear stained once again. Normal day…as normal can be. But nothing amiss except that today’s my son’s birthday, I have class work to catch up on and I am sick. Don’t know yet if it’s covid but too early to test. Right now just icky. With that said I was downstairs working on class work, he and my son have been gone off and on all day and things were FINE. I hate that word. But it is fairly fitting right now. When I come up he is unloading the dishwasher so I jump in to help put away and he’s talking and I move out of what he thinks is earshot to put something away and he starts screaming that I didn’t care what he was saying and then it was on. The screaming. Louder and louder and telling me to get the F out and saying how everything was my fault…the repetition and stuttering the elevation in voice and kept saying I should do what I am told and to stay away from him…irrational and growing paranoid. He kept looking at me saying to quit looking at him like he is stupid that I thought he was stupid and the screaming grew louder and louder. There is no defending no protecting myself from this…it’s out of the blue and it’s bad. He had a class tonight and left. When he comes back I am not sure what to expect. But I am tired of being in this and pushing this boulder up the hill. I am angry and hurt and tired. So so very tired. My son won’t celebrate his birthday tonight, we planned on tomorrow anyway but he just said he doesn’t want my husband to go with us. That will just create more drama. I am tired of being in a state on constant fear and panic. Been here before and walked into it again… I recognize right now I am not listening to the advice I would normally give. Harder when you are in the moment. He needs so much more help than he is getting. But like you all know…having them recognize that is a whole new fight.

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Oh GEORGE, I am so sorry - you are having really rough day. Why oh why are there breakdowns on special days - as you say we know the answers- knowing the answers doesn’t make this moment any easier.

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George, this may not be good advice, but does walking away ever help. I mean like going out for a walk or a drive when he starts. Or just don’t listen you know arguing and trying to reason is not going to work. And what he is saying is just messed up stuff he can’t control. I say this but, I’ve been there, the words hurt. Make you angry, sad feel lost and sometimes just dead inside. He is mentally abusing you, but you are sticking by him you are a good person. I’m so sorry you and your son are going through this. I hope it is not physical also, I know it will effect you phyisically make your immune system go wonkers. But please keep posting it does help to get it out. Love and prayers to all of you.

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The mental abuse is debilitating i know , try and keep to yourself for the next few days and not interact with him . you need your sanity and peace to give yourself strength . Perhaps go for a jog to release your stress or a massage or go out and vent to a friend over lunch or dinner . Every day is a different day and for all the carers out there everyday is a surprising day , we never know what mood or behaviour they will be in … hang in there , deep breaths and take one day at a time …

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I wish I had answers for you, but I am riding in the same boat. The holidays are coming and I used to look forward to them. This disease sucks all the happiness out of my home. My son’s birthday became a screaming match also. I don’t want to be around him at all and then I have my husband trying to make me feel guilty about that. Every single day I get to hear how I have destroyed his life, ruined his brain and now he is saying that we have done something to his jaw so he can’t form words anymore. The delusions, paranoia are out of control. There is no down time. We are lucky to get 2 minutes of sanity in a day. I don’t get to see my other son cuz’ he doesn’t want to come home and deal with this either and I don’t blame him. So, George, all I can offer you is my own depressing story to let you know you are not alone. I wish I could offer more than that, but I haven’t found any answers yet. All we can do is keep on keeping on.

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