I have a son who has been diagnosed with SZ, phychosis and some paranoia. He was deemed incompetent to go to court for a felony. He has been homeless for over a year. The judge ordered he be admitted to an inpatient mental hospital, but until he gets admitted, he has to remain in the mental area of jail. I was told that may take a year! Because my son did not sign a permission sheet for me to know what was happening with his health while in jail, it was just a miracle i heard of his diagnosis.
In '19, my son’s behavior at home was so volatile that I had to get a protection order and a no contact against him. I tried for years to help find out what was “wrong”. At the time, my husband was bedridden and passed away in '19.
My son used to blame my husband, now he blames me for all his woes. He’s very manipulative. Lately when he calls from the facility, he winds up saying he wouldn’t be going thru all that he is at the " jail: if i had bonded him out before the judge declared there is no bond available. I didnt bail him out to teach consequences, but mostly because i wanted him evaluated to find out what was the problem.
He’s been in this facility since January waiting for an inpatient bed! This is a very rough place! His behavior has not been stellar either. The last time he had a hearing with a judge, he ordered medication, and if he didnt take them, then injections would be ordered.
Tonight he told me last night, someone jumped him cause he didn’t like my son’s wet hair. My son will be exrayed tomorrow on his nose and wrist.
I am beside myself. Part of me doesn’t even know if I believe him! Last week he was evaluated again to see if he is competent to go to court. He’s pushing for me to bail him out if he’s deemed competent.
I had no idea this was all going to happen. And that it would take so long for the hospital to have room for him. I feel so bad for him but not understanding SZ except for what I’ve read, and this group, its all scary. I’m alone now, and with his volatility, I’m not sure if I could handle his coming back here. I really dont trust him. I know hes not taking his meds, cause he says they make him feel bad, and the meds make him really tired. He keeps saying there isn’t anything wrong with him.
Im sorry this is so long, but with all your experience, i would really value your help.emphasized text Thank you for listening.
When my daughter was admitted to the hospital, my wife and I were worried as we do not know how things were going to turn out. We read quite a bit of news about bad things that happened in a hospital, so we were quite worried. At that time, I asked myself if I tried my best to get her out, would my daughter be better off, and do I have the capability to improve her situation after that. The answer was negative so I let the process takes its course. In the end, it turns out all right. Hope for the best with your son.
Ibe been doing this circle of these events since son 26, he has been violent many times but once on med back to calm…he is 27 now…veruy sad and depr
Thank you. It worries me more that the mental " jail" he has to waIt in until probably next year for a hospital bed will become intolerable.
But if he is deemed competent, im afraid if he gets a bond set and I do that, I dont trust he can come home. Then he’ll be back on streets. So sorry for him.
My son is 26 and feels there is nothing wrong with him.
I find that visits help a lot. My daughter made friends and they supported each other.
I’m sorry this is happening right now, the nurses in jail might not be able to tell you much if your son hasn’t signed a hippa release but you can still call them and inform of his diagnosis.
Have you been able to find out what programs are at his facility some have crisis teams and are able to help with discharge plans so when he does get out and your not sure if he can stay with you you could ask what other options .
Its hard when our loved one is away my mind tends to run overtime when my brother has been incarcerated. That’s when I really try to get to Nami meetings Nami.org you can find family support here. And I also try to remind myself I can only do what’s in my control.
I hope you can find some peace
I’m sorry to hear this. It sounds quite familiar.
Expect the new normal to never be normal. Try to not be blindsided by crazy unbelievable bad stuff. Take care of yourself! Be careful. Do not trust him! He will lie, lie lie; he will hide as much bad stuff as he can, and he will never give the slightest thought to your safety. Just be ready.
It’s very important to not let him drive you crazy! He will if you let him. Remember, his mind is damaged, maybe forever. Don’t expect unrealistic things from him; you’ll only be disappointed. He can’t help it. He doesn’t even understand why it hurts you, doesn’t care either.
Best of luck. I’ve been there for 35 years. You just have to do your best and that means not letting him drag you down because he’s sure going to try.
Your safety and peace of mind are paramount. Please take the below comments as from a lay person. I am no expert.
Is it feasible for you to have a very frank discussion with your son? Example: Son, your behavior over this last while has been hard on you and on me. As you know, your aggressive tendencies frightens me. I’m sure you understand that. I want you to know I love you. I want you to know that until you show a willingness to take your meds and until I see that you are able to control these aggressive outbursts, I do not feel safe with you living with me. I am happy to help you any way I can but you need to understand my conditions around this.
Just a thought to try. Sorry for your situation and good luck to you. (Also, join a support group if you haven’t already.)
Good luck with that conversation. We had that conversation with my brother many times and it only made things worse. He would become defensive and enraged. He would turn the tables and make everything my fault, or my parents fault. Because in his mind, Billy was never, never, never even the slightest little bit wrong about anything in his life. Everything and I mean EVERYTHING was someone else’s fault. And when we complained that he was embarrassing us, or scaring us, or hurting us, his stock answers were “Who cares”, “What difference does it make”, “What do you care”, or “Not my problem.” In fact, those were his stock answers for everything.
As far as boundaries, Billy never respected them at all. I had to push back at him constantly. So good luck.
Momof7, sorry your son is ill. Sorry your son is in jail. Sounds like he has anosognosia - lack of insight. Very common with SMI (serious mental illness). My son spent all of 2023 in jail waiting for a bed as well. I hated it but nothing else I had done had helped get him back on his meds. I don’t think my son’s jail situation was rough but it was still stressful to know he was there. He spent 8 months at the state hospital and is doing well. We’re waiting to see how the charges will be handled - I’ve requested that they be dismissed. He was off meds and psychotic when it happened (verbal threats). I think the blaming and manipulation by your son is part of the illness. How did your son behave before he became ill? That’s his true personality. SZ affects how one thinks, feels and behaves. You said he’s been there since January - so perhaps he will go to the hospital in 2-3 more months - I wouldn’t give in now. His best chance at recovery is having a long term hospital stay to give him time to recover. My son is the best that he’s been since this started 9 years ago. He now has insight and willingly takes his meds. No longer smokes cigarettes or drinks alcohol or abuses drugs. It was only when he was ill and unmedicated that he did these things. If you are not familiar with Xavier Amadors - I’m Not Sick, I don’t need help - it’s a good book to read. Teaches you the LEAP system of communicating. You can also find info about it on You Tube and his website. Another book that I like is “Schizophrenia & Related Disorders - A Handbook for Caregivers by Nicole Gillen. Nicole now works for S&PAA (SZ and Psychosis Action Alliance). I’ve been attending a support group thru them more than a year. We meet online every 2 weeks. Next meeting is Oct 12. If you want more info, please email me at kfox39090@gmail.com. This illness is more than any one person can deal with alone. Find a support system and take care of you - it is not selfish to do so. Remember the serenity prayer - the only thing that you have control over is you. I think it’s also important to have boundaries. You can’t make him take the meds but you don’t have to be around him if he is unmedicated/out of control etc. He has a choice, but so do you. If having him live with you brings harm to you or makes you sick - what has been gained? I think it’s important that people are invested in their own recovery. You can’t do it for them. I have learned all these things the hard way over several years. We are in a much better place now and I hope that you and your son will soon be in a better place too. Take care.
Momof7,
There’s a great deal of good advice on this thread already. I’m sorry this is happened to you, your son, and family. It’s a nightmare scenario. Please take care and know that you are doing the best you can.
Thank you Deb. Its getting harder to talk with him due to his blaming me dor riining his life.
OmyGoodness, thank you! I just saw this! I def will email and get the books. There is so much other stress in my life right now. Im at the point now that I literally have to hang up on my son when he every time blames me, and i feel so overwhelmed, and question my decisions. I still send him money for commissary and make phone calls for him. Your situation gave me hope that he can get better! But if his last evaluation cimes back that he is competent, that may change things for his being in the list for the hospital. Its such a long wait! Thank you for the info and encouragement!
Leave it in God’s hands.
Thank you, i tend to forget this when struggling with what to say, or not say to my son.
Momof7
Don’t give up hope. My husband and I had put my son in the hospital four times when he came out it didn’t take long for him to stop medication. The last time the general hospital said they are going to transfer him to a mental hospital. We agreed but once he got there it was such a terrible place. The regret and anxiety was so overwhelming what I did he was in there for three weeks until I found him a doctor. He lost his drivers license because of his illness and was on an order to take an injection plus other medications once daily. The whole time he was in hospital he kept telling me that their going to kill him and I’m the only one that can stop this and if I don’t he can no longer be my son. Fast forward five years later he has got his drivers licence back has his own house and only takes his Invega injection once every three months. He’s doing great but still complaining once in a while about the poison.
Thanks to this forum it helped me through the dark times so try and be strong
Thank you so much Margi! Success stories are always great to hear! Id love to know where your son was in those 5 years? Was he taking his medication. Was he in a hospital or with a doctor who helped him? My son doesn’t think anything is wrong with him, and surely doesnt want medication. But we are both hanging in there. He asked me daily to call a bondsman or the judge coordinator to see if a bond has been granted. So sad.
Momof7 My heart so goes out to you.
My son has been taking his Invega trenza injection every 3 months he talks to his doctor on the phone every month. Twice a year he sees him in person. It took years for him to get to this point. He still complains once in awhile about the poison he has to take I don’t think he truly has 100% insight. He owns his home
which he has been fixing it up. Its starting to look really good When he was off the medication he ripped it all apart and threw out everything it was so sad and heartbreaking to see how he lived. At that time he believed that the neighbours were coming in and steeling everything and was being molested.
At the beginning he was getting an injection every month
150mg then it went to 100mg now he’s taking 75 mg. I still have a lot of anxiety and worried he he won’t take it but he has then I can relax for awhile. I don’t think that will ever go away. You would never know that he has SZ if you met him.
Sending prayers and hugs be strong.
Thank you so much for the info! I just now got word, the judge declared my son competent. The atty is working to get a hearing set. He no longer is on the hopspital stay list. He desperately wants a bond to be set. This is all concerning. He has no money, job, vehicle. I wont be able to handle his volatility, since he blames me for his stay at the mental part of the jail. He thinks nothing is wrong with him.
Im not giving up hope, just dont know how to proceed. Thank you again.