So about a week ago, my spouse and I were talking. Things had seemed to be going well-- he was back at work, his meds seemed good, and he was evening making some progress on his professional goals. However, something seemed off for about a week-- he just seemed distant or disinterested. I noticed things like he was keeping his headphones in when we went to bed, he didn’t call me one of his pet names for me, etc. Little things, but I get that moods happen.
But then he admitted that he had gotten a message from someone on Instagram and that it made him feel “romantic feelings” in a way he “hadn’t in a long time.” He described it as feeling like there were “hooks and fire in his skin” even though the message was completely innocuous. He said he started to feel like a 'selkie without it’s skin" – like I was trapping him and he wanted to be more free, to be independent like he hadn’t been able to before. He later said he might be manic (which fits with some other signs/symptoms that have been happening)
I felt horrible in multiple ways. I never want him to feel trapped with me. I have taken steps to try and make sure he doesn’t – he has his own money, the car is in his name, etc. I don’t want him to stay with me because he feels like he “needs to.”
I also just feel like my heart was completely shredded. I don’t know what to do with this. I never thought to doubt that we loved each other. I feel completely off kilter now. I feel insecure and cry at the drop of a pin. What do I do? How do I make this better?
I think all this has to be taken within the overall context of your relationship. How your relationship has been going in the last few years. Or possibly this is part of his illness. It seems that he has not gone any further with his Instagram friend. You have to talk calmly and sort things out and make sure he is stable.
Oh gosh, that is so heartbreaking… Chances are that this is another manifestation of his illness, but that doesn’t make it any easier to take. On the other hand plenty of perfectly sane men (and women) have a crisis of this sort in their marriage where one party or the other suddenly feels the need for that rush of a red hot romance. Please just try to understand that it has nothing to do with love and nothing to do with you.
Honestly, I think if it were I in this situation I would tell him he is not trapped in any way and invite him to leave, maybe even insist on it and help him find another place to stay for a while until he works this out of his system or you decide you are better off without him. In my experience, nothing brings a man to his senses faster than a woman who freely and cheerfully gives him his walking papers.
I’m so sorry, dear. I hope you have some good female friends right now and that you are being kind to yourself.
yes you are right, and this is a type of Schizophrenia called Erotomania\Erotomanic. My husband suffers from this and it’s horrible. It’s usually the patient thinking this object of focus is liking him back. It feels just like he’s cheating. I have been to hell and back and repeat. Even tho I know its delusion, it still hurts and all my defenses go up. He slips in and out of the delusion depending on situation. We don’t go out unless it’s absolutely needed. Our marriage is on the brink because of this. It’s one thing if your husband hears voices or thinks you are the FBI, it’s another thing when he tells you he feels feelings for perfect strangers on the street. Look up EROTOMANIA SCHIZOPHRENIA. They believe this other person is in love with them. Delusional. My husband went on vacation and he thought he got a fellow tourist to “like him” and for almost 2 years he can’t get over “the feeling”. And of course he knows she likes him because she, (55 yr old women) sent him secret signs that she likes him. And yes, it’s all about the dopamine. IT’s absolutely ludicrous to me, but real to him. It’s not going well for us, because it’s emotionally draining fighting my own feelings to be able to help him. I must have basically called it quits like every week. Threatening divorce to leaving him to kicking him out. It’s all useless. It’s mental illness and unbreakable delusion. He’s 50 years old by the way, his first major psychotic break. I feel embarrassed, disgusted, hurt, scared- all at once. I can’t just leave him because this is all in his head. Because my husband is having an imaginary affair?
And yes, this would be funny too if it wasn’t happening to me…As I’m writing this, I cannot believe how ridiculously horrifying my life has become.
He’s likely manic. Doesn’t mean he’s not feeling what he’s feeling, but it’s a symptom, not “reality”. Don’t blame yourself or try to apply reason. Listen to him, try hard not to take it personally, tell him that these feelings are destructive to your relationship and that you love him, but you want a monogamous and loving relationship and you believe he might need to talk to therapist, if it’s with you there too that’s great. But most importantly, he should go. If he won’t, don’t compromise your love and your values, as it is likely his brain is feeding him bad information. Don’t argue. If he decides to go, it will hurt, but not as much as if he gets increasingly manic and loud and ugly to you. It’s the most brutal reality of this illness, but once an episode starts to ramp up, there not much you can do but listen, empathize, and get help (if he’ll agree) or let go. I guarantee the person who created these feelings in him will be shocked/dismayed when he arrives on her doorstep—so be patient and use this time to care for yourself. You might realize you deserve better.
Look coming from someone who has psychosis and schizophrenia it’s hard man… it’s not easy maybe it’s not the fact that he do not love you; but, he may hate the world… when I was in my psychotic state and I just got diagnosed… I hated every single thing. I hated that these drugs caused me to gain weight. Felt like my life was a joke a game… so you just get upset about everything. Talk to him or ask if it’s something that you did but you deserve to be loved regardless because you stuck by him.
Hey all, I just wanted to post in an update. It’s been about 5 months since this happened. A lot has happened, including a major depressive episode that followed the mania in the spring, and covered most of the summer. We’re both back to work, still together, and he’s been doing ok the last couple of weeks. Everyone’s comments here were really helpful and I deeply appreciate the caring feedback. Here are some updates for where we are:
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he’s stopped talking with the instagram person. He implied that she stopped responding to him (I haven’t seen the messages, but I take his word for these things. I try not to snoop through his messages/inboxes/etc)
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his medication didn’t really change. He never really discussed the issue with his psychiatrist, and he’s not seeing a therapist. He says he wants to see a psychotherapist, but I’m not sure how realistic that is, since we live in a rural area and we don’t have much money.
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I’m trying to address some of the concerns he brought up about our marriage. While he said some things that were really painful, I also understand where he felt unhappy about some correctable issues. I have been focusing so much on working to keep us afloat, I stopped giving us a chance to do romantic things together. In March, I planned a weekend getaway for us. It wasn’t the long vacation we would have liked, but it helped, I think.
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I paused some paperwork we had been working on. For example we were working on me getting power of attorney so I could handle legal and financial issues on his behalf. These are major mental health triggers for him, and he maintains that he still wants me to have power of attorney for him because he is aware he needs a lot of support for these things. However, the accusations he levied at me, especially about being trapped, make me want to hold off on taking the reins on that level of control right now. I’m still willing to have his power of attorney, but I want to discuss that with a mediator or third party before we actually act on that now.
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We have good days and rough days (like most married folks, I think!) He doesn’t like when I remember things he says while he is manic. He feels, I think, like I “should know” that he “doesn’t really mean” them. I DO understand that he can be convinced of something while manic that might not be consistent with who he is before or after an episode. But I struggle to just let it go like I never heard it. How do I forget that he told me he never really loved me, and that he’s never felt passionately for me? I just don’t know what to do with that.
I so feel you on this. My heart was broken, and my SO was so verbally abusive during his episode, and unfaithful, and brutally cruel, that it is hard to forget, even if I forgive him. I can’t trust all the loving, kind words in the same way (even though I know he means them) as I did, because their hateful shadow is lurking underneath. I have had to learn to love with detachment. He does not want to “go back” and gets very emotional if I talk about my pain as he is like your SO and wants to put it behind us. He was really very sick and I accept that, and I know he didn’t mean it, but I also think the episode removed all his filters so down deep his inner self feels some of that real unhappiness and dislike. Hard to ever feel the same innocent passion as I did before. One thing that helps me is to remember that when my SO is manic, he is like a 5-year-old version of himself (I want, I need. I get. I’m mad. I’m sad. I hate you) and it’s all just emotional expression of more complicated feelings arising in the moment, just tantrums. And more about his state of mind than any true feelings about our relationship. But I won’t lie. It’s not the same since the psychotic break. It’s good and I love him and vice versa, but it feels sadder and wiser and flatter. It also feels more real and honest. I just play every day as it comes; I don’t burden him with a lot of my process; and I try to fill my own cup so I can meet him with resources and joy so he can continue to recover. I know that it can all start to slide away again so I’m taking care of myself and working on co-dependency in myself, and letting him know he’s free to do what he wants, but I have limits, so if he wants to see me and be with me, it’s a choice, not an obligation. It’s hard. I’m going back to school and I’m busy and he’d rather I just be with him, but I can’t do that again. I have to have my own infrastructure and goals, and build a sturdy life on my own. I almost went down with him this last time, and I can’t do that again.
I really resonate with what you said about not burdening your partner with your process. That sounds familiar, as well as the sadder, wiser, flatter feeling.
I wish it didn’t feel like a ghost love.
I’m thinking of you. <3 Thanks for your comment.
Thank you for the love and care. Am thinking of you, too, and holding your pain with mine. 
I don’t know about this. I’m diagnosed schizoaffective and I don’t do that to my husband. He’s a really good man whom I don’t deserve. I love him with all my heart. I wouldn’t say it’s the illness unless he’s somehow delusional right now or something
If he’s wanting to see a psychotherapist, @laughingsteps, it’s a good time to put out some feelers on this.
COVID has changed things a lot. Most psychotherapy practices are still at least partially online (phone or video), some therapists have given up their offices entirely because they’ve found they prefer working from home, and insurance is paying for remote sessions because of the pandemic (they often wouldn’t before, or they would only do so under very restrictive conditions).
Professional licensure is at the state level, so most likely he could see anyone in the state right now.