This might be the end. I'm sorry


#1

If you remember (and I don’t blame you if you forgot or never saw them, of course) I have posted about my boyfriend a few times. We have been dating for two years and the past 6 months his schizophrenia has been out of control, with thoughts about aliens, a war, dragons, the Illuminati, me cheating on him…all of that kind of stuff.

He would stop smoking weed for a week or two and we’d be fine. I’d let him express his thoughts and we’d work through them and we were genuinely happy and in love with each other just as much as before. Then he’d smoke, and he’d break up with me twice a day, say we were terrible together and basically blame me for everything and say if I can’t accept him smoking then he’d leave me.

Well, I think my heart is permanently broken from this weekend. We were having a great two weeks, going to the zoo, connecting on all levels, always wanting to be together and holding each other and caring about each other’s thoughts, concerns and feelings. I felt things were amazing, but knew he’d want to smoke again.

He did.

And he broke up with me. But this time was different. We were moving the Wednesday after that weekend (yesterday) and had already put down a non-refundable security deposit. But he was secretly looking up rooms for rent and asking his friends for any leads on apartments or people who needed a roommate. He changed his Facebook password and kept saying how awful we were for each other, taking me off his relationship status and profile picture… He told me if I didn’t accept that he smokes we were over. It’s hard to explain everything without boring people to death, but he basically was a complete jerk to me of the likes I’ve never seen. I lay crying silently on the couch since he was still there (he has no money and no job and no car ) and he’d come out and basically harass me about someone he saw on Facebook, pretending I knew of that person. Or he’d say he wanted to sit with me and watch TV or whatever I was doing, but I’d say, “No, you broke up with me.” And he’d flip out and walk away. Then he’d say he wanted to cuddle and I’d say no. And he’d flip out again. He really truly broke my heart and then having him around, chatting like things were normal hurt me so much I don’t know if I can recover. He just doesn’t care about me.

He made up a fake girl in his head. Is that normal?

I brought up a girl from 4 years back that he’d had a small crush on. Then I found out that since that day a few months ago he’s been talking to this girl in his head, saying that even though I’m his soul mate (which there are 100’s apparently), she’s his twin flame - of which there is only one - so it’s more important than a soul mate. He said he pictures her there with him and even had sex with her once in his mind. It hurts so much I can’t even be as sad as I want to be. I just tear up and remember how kind and sweet he used to be, but feel numb.

It hurts that I am the one here for him, but he created me as an evil, vindictive, fake, cheater in his head. And as I try to help him and try to show him I love him, he just thinks about this girl and their horoscope connections and stares at her pictures.

I finally talked to her and she was disgusted and blocked him. I told him this and he still said that she might be his twin flame…

He has been very mean to me, saying he KNOWS I’m doing basically everything under the Sun - setting him up, planning to eat him, cheating on him, keeping him around only to watch him fail etc. And if he ever says anything like this or anything about how we’re not perfect anymore and will never work and that he feels he should just leave and knows that it’s not the weed or anything - it’s me - and if this makes me cry, he gets pissed at me and says that I have no reason to cry. He tells me to calm down, laughs at me, says that I am overreacting, that I’m making a scene, making nothing into something…

When I ask why he loves me, he has nothing to say. When I cry, he just lays down and looks up at the ceiling. When I bring up how he acts, he says it’s because of my actions in the past. When I say I’m sad, he says he should just leave. When I ask if he wants to do anything, he doesn’t want to unless it’s sex related.

And this used to be a guy who was so sweet and caring and supportive to the point that I can’t even describe it. He was so genuinely loving and you could see the love in his eyes, the smile in his eyes, the way he looked at me was out of a romance novel written by the corniest writer of all time. Even they wouldnt’ be able to capture how amazing and loving and goofy he was. He’d roll around, cuddling with me, wanting to always be near me, always wanted to talk about us, about the future, always wanted to get married, said I was everything to him, that nobody else could ever come close ,that I’m the most beautiful, sexy, smart, amazing person.

I can’t describe exactly what’s happening. It’s too hard to pinpoint. But somehow the weekend and the few days following felt like months. I feel like he’s been this mean to me forever. I lay awake wishing we could hold each other, but know I don’t want him near me because he puts weed and a fake girl in his head before me. Even when we “broke up” that weekend he kept thinking about her and saying they were meant to be. Right in front of me. But to this day he says he wasn’t being mean.

I think he’s using me as a place to live. I think he wants to save up money for a few weeks and then just leave me. And I don’t want it to end on his terms. I have done so much for him, cared so much. I have never opened up to anyone the way I was able to finally open myself up to him. And all I get is yelled at, stuff made up about me, told that the girl in his head is the only thing that makes him feel better… I feel like a complete piece of shit, to put it lightly. I feel lower than ever. I don’t know what to do. I have given him everything I could possibly give him. I have let him hurt me over and over. I have let him ramble on about his made up thoughts and not done anything but listen and discuss them with curiosity and praised him for his creative mind.

I don’t understand how he can do this to me.

I am so heartbroken. I wish I could explain his new persona more clearly. But he basically is verbally abusing me and saying mean, hurtful statements and yelling at me for crying after them. Threatening to leave me. Last night he said he didn’t care about me anymore and didn’t want to try because I was tired and sad from the weekend and he took it as me not wanting him ever again. And he woke me up and harassed me all night, saying I was having an affair. I said no over and over and he wouldn’t let me stop or he’d say it was true. Then he said he would kill the person I was seeing, who luckily doesn’t exist.

I have tried to help him. But now he just pushes me away. He hides his thoughts from me, his feelings, he doesn’t even try to show me any type of love or affection or care. I feel so hurt I can’t even feel. I never had someone I love so much treat me this way. And I know some of it is the schizophrenia… but I feel I’ve been hurt to no return. I am crying as I write this, but it just hurts so much to be with someone who treats me this way when I know I have been the most caring, supportive person. I have put up with so much…

I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do anymore. He thinks his thoughts are real. He thinks he has all of this power and will be so successful, and I know he’s going to live on a couch somewhere. He thinks all of this fake stuff that makes him so conceited and mean. And if I say it’s not true, he screams at me that I’m a liar or don’t believe in him.

I might kick him out. I’m sorry if I seem mean. I don’t know what else I can do.


#2

That is like some way hard stuff to deal with in a relationship… all of it. Some I have been through and a lot I have not…

There can be more than one soul mate and only one twin flame…true…
Of you are already with someone you should not ditch them for your twin. twins rarely even get together on earth from what I’ve read. You are supposed to be just friends with the twin if you are with a soul mate…no cheating…it will wreak havoc…

there is always a set time to let someone try to change, and there is a time to take action…it might be time for action from what you have said.


#3

The girl he is picturing in his head is based on a girl he thinks is cute that he hung out with four years ago… I messaged her and she says she hasn’t even thought about him since they hung out and doesn’t know WHERE this is coming from. she was disgusted and disturbed and blocked him. she felt grossed out and violated and said, “tell him i’m not thinking about him ever and want him to stop.”

But he keeps doing it anyway. He can’t see her pictures anymore, so maybe it’ll stop. But he is making it all up. She’s not his twin flame. She’s not even his friend. She is horrified, but he pretends they have this deep connection and it hurts when I’m RIGHT THERE.

I can’t explain it but he is “connecting” (not really) with a girl in his head, looking up why they’re so “perfect” for each other every night, saying she’s cute or attractive and pretending they’re having sex. It makes me feel used and even if he made it all up, I still feel like he’s cheating on me. I’m right here, helping him, but he’s thinking about another girl all day long…

It’s not right. It’s not okay with me. I am basically being verbally abused and hurt and made to feel like complete shit and worthless and like a shitty girlfriend he wants to leave every second…while he talks to this fake girl in his head like she’s in love with him.

It’s not okay with me.

I have never even ONCE thought about another guy for even two seconds. I count this as a form of cheating and it’s unfair to me that he’s doing this. It’s mean and hurts me and I have cried about it and begged him to stop but he won’t. He’s obsessed with this thought and I refuse to be with someone who sees the tears in my eyes, sees it hurting me… it’s so fucking wrong. I can’t express that enough. Maybe he should be alone so he can pretend to be with her. Because I will never let someone do this to me.


#4

Oh yuck…she isn’t even twin flame but he thinks she is? It’s a fantasy obsession. man, that stuff can be dangerous, and it’s hurting you…

yeah, it is a form of cheating big time!

And sounds like he is going just freaking wild with these fantasies…


#5

Yes… She hasn’t thought about him for four years. I saw their messages when they WERE talking and she he would always just write to her first and she’d just blab about her boyfriend or on and off again relationship, basically using him as a person to vent to about her relationships. She doesn’t give a crap about him and I don’t blame her - they don’t even talk. And I can see why this is disturbing her.

But I am just so hurt and disgusted that someone I love would even harness the idea AT ALL that he’d leave me for someone, fake or not. I am just so hurt and depressed to the point where I can’t feel. My heart is broken.


#6

I know, I know…and it’s like what can you do about it? Tried to talk and that don’t work…it just continues on, and the freaky thing is it’s not even real, so it’s like he’s cheating with a complete fantasy…
grrr…


#7

Yeah… that’s exactly what’s happening. Unfortunately. Thanks for listening to me rant and trying to understand. I can’t even explain how I feel right now for some reason. I was so devastated when I found out. I cried for days and begged him to stop. I am so sad I have stayed with someone who thinks of someone else - and not just that - but thinks they’re better than me and if they ever got the chance they’d leave me… I can’t believe he has said these type of things to me… It hurts.


#8

I do understand a lot of it…though have never been through the part about if he got the chance he’s leave you, and even planning it out…that’s a bit creepy…

And it’s good to rant about it…It is something deserving of a rant.

And another crazy thing is when you love someone you stay with them and if they don’t change it is just worse if they never change, but you also have to give benefit of the doubt which you obviously had, hoping…

Maybe a separation would do him good…idk…but you can’t go on being abused like that


#9

Your boyfriend really messed up. As I read from your earlier post he smoked k2. It sounds like he doesn’t have a grip on reality and is living in a delusional world disconnected from what is real. He messed up his life, but that doesn’t mean he has to mess up yours. Personally, I would leave him and just be friends with him.


#10

@e_lunaseer It helps to rant sometimes. I feel like nobody understands the extent of what’s going on. I have given him many chances. I have given all of my support, love, heart, soul, compassion, time, energy…EVERYTHING to try and help him and make him feel better. And I wasn’t even upset about it. I was willing to do it all for him. But him choosing to smoke and slowly becoming a mean, uncaring asshole who thinks about other people… I can’t blame schizophrenia for everything.

@chrisjjack He doesn’t have a grip on reality but he REALLY thinks he does! He won’t listen to reason and thinks everything he’s saying makes perfect sense, from how the Universe works, to the people around him, me, the abilities he has…

I can’t be friends with him because I loved him. He became one of the meanest people I’ve ever known and it’s so horrible because I loved him more than I’ve loved anyone. Maybe in a few years, if he gets help, I’ll be willing to talk to him about everything.


#11

I do understand much of it… plus you not only have him living in a fantasy world that is so real to him it is destroying a relationship and hurting someone who loves him, but he is also choosing to get high despite the dangers of it…he seems like one of those rare people who really freak out when they smoke weed…T’aint good…


#12

@iamoliviar it’s common for someone with schizophrenia, symptoms of this illness include a lack of insight, or no insight at all. I know you love him, but do you really see having a future with him.


#13

Leave him. That’s all I can say. Someone on here gave really good advice to someone else that I will repeat as best I can.

Even if your schizophrenic partner cannot pull their weight financially their illness does not give them the excuse to not be a full emotional partner.

Personally, this is where I would draw the line.


#14

@e_lunaseer Yeah… I just feel like I don’t want to keep fighting for us every time he smokes. I don’t want to be put after weed. I don’t deserve to be treated this way as he fantasizes about someone else. Smoking makes him very, very paranoid and he gets more permanently mean every time. He doesn’t understand this.

@chrisjjack I have heard that. He thinks he knows EVERYTHING about everyone, about this town and its people, about the Universe, about the government, about the Bible and science, about EVERYTHING. Even me. And I tell him he’s wrong every time. But it’s getting old standing up for myself to someone who isn’t even kind ever. When he was kind and compassionate and sweet, I didn’t mind helping him. But you’re right… With him like this, there’s no future.

@onceapoet [quote=“onceapoet, post:13, topic:6821”]
Even if your schizophrenic partner cannot pull their weight financially their illness does not give them the excuse to not be a full emotional partner.
[/quote]

That was perfect… That sums up how I feel. Even though it would help greatly if he could keep a job, I understood and tried to support him through all the confusion and delusions and paranoia and not being able to see reality clearly. I let him take a break from even LOOKING for two months and continued to love him just as much. But there’s no excuse to manipulate everything I say, make up things about me, cheat on me, lie to me, act cruel when I am sad… I’m holding on for no reason. I have never had someone be this mean to me. Someone I loved and cared about this much.


#15

It looks like your beating a dead horse trying to get him out of his delusional thinking. If you decide to leave him, I would contact his family members to get him medical help. Many of us on these forums lived in similar life situations, but with medication, therapy, and other help, we have gotten better.


#16

He needs therapy and medication. But he is refusing, of course.


#17

@iamoliviar What are his reasons for denying medication and therapy?


#18

i am really sorry for what you are going through…many hugs and warm wishes being sent your way!!!


#19

I’m so sorry your going through this. You guy is not the only who has destroyed a beautiful relationship while delusional. There are others of us here who have pushed away a person, only to stabilize and then realize what we’ve done. I have met a guy who left his wife for the girl in his head. He admitted that there was no way to convince him that the girl in his head wasn’t there. He still missis the girl in his head. But he know’s now she wasn’t there. But he still has that feeing of her in his mind. Meds won’t erase that.

I left my good relationship because I was sure she was horrid and a spy for the kidnapers.

As far as being mean to you… this disease kills our ability to have emotions. I’ve gone through a phase of cold anger and having no consideration for anyone else around me. I was so ill, simple kindness that others do instinctively, were erased from me. I had to relearn my emotions when I began to get better.

It might be time for you to take a break from this guy and heal. You have been deeply hurt and the worse he gets, the more unable he’s going to know himself or you any more, and he will hurt you more and more.

I know you love the old him, but the new him is causing you a lot of harm and heart break. You are a very lovely girl and you do deserve better. I know that is easier said then done. I do admire you for not wanting to leave him when he’s not doing well.

But soon I’m afraid your batteries are going to be spent as well. What happens when he gets even worse? Without meds or help, he will get worse. If your emotionally destroyed, it might start effecting your work, your money and your own ability to survive.

Please… it’s time to start focusing on yourself so you can begin to heal. I’m rooting for you.


#20

I have an intresting story how my former US woman left me. We had been together from 1990 to 1999 and there was never any arguments. Then in one evening of December 1999 I told her that she was a slut because she came back home late and then in the same evening I searched her purse and dumped it on the floor of the house where we lived at the time in Atlanta. Next day she left a voicemail message to me and told that she was not going to come back. Well, she did come back to the divorce court. It was amazing that in nine years there were no arguments and just like that she left. It is normal for couples to have arguments and resolve issues, but this was not so in my case. Then she started telling lies about things such the CIA had never tried to recruit me, although I knew for the fact that she was a part of filling out some of those applications the CIA had mailed. She just got all wierd I think.