If you remember (and I don’t blame you if you forgot or never saw them, of course) I have posted about my boyfriend a few times. We have been dating for two years and the past 6 months his schizophrenia has been out of control, with thoughts about aliens, a war, dragons, the Illuminati, me cheating on him…all of that kind of stuff.
He would stop smoking weed for a week or two and we’d be fine. I’d let him express his thoughts and we’d work through them and we were genuinely happy and in love with each other just as much as before. Then he’d smoke, and he’d break up with me twice a day, say we were terrible together and basically blame me for everything and say if I can’t accept him smoking then he’d leave me.
Well, I think my heart is permanently broken from this weekend. We were having a great two weeks, going to the zoo, connecting on all levels, always wanting to be together and holding each other and caring about each other’s thoughts, concerns and feelings. I felt things were amazing, but knew he’d want to smoke again.
He did.
And he broke up with me. But this time was different. We were moving the Wednesday after that weekend (yesterday) and had already put down a non-refundable security deposit. But he was secretly looking up rooms for rent and asking his friends for any leads on apartments or people who needed a roommate. He changed his Facebook password and kept saying how awful we were for each other, taking me off his relationship status and profile picture… He told me if I didn’t accept that he smokes we were over. It’s hard to explain everything without boring people to death, but he basically was a complete jerk to me of the likes I’ve never seen. I lay crying silently on the couch since he was still there (he has no money and no job and no car ) and he’d come out and basically harass me about someone he saw on Facebook, pretending I knew of that person. Or he’d say he wanted to sit with me and watch TV or whatever I was doing, but I’d say, “No, you broke up with me.” And he’d flip out and walk away. Then he’d say he wanted to cuddle and I’d say no. And he’d flip out again. He really truly broke my heart and then having him around, chatting like things were normal hurt me so much I don’t know if I can recover. He just doesn’t care about me.
He made up a fake girl in his head. Is that normal?
I brought up a girl from 4 years back that he’d had a small crush on. Then I found out that since that day a few months ago he’s been talking to this girl in his head, saying that even though I’m his soul mate (which there are 100’s apparently), she’s his twin flame - of which there is only one - so it’s more important than a soul mate. He said he pictures her there with him and even had sex with her once in his mind. It hurts so much I can’t even be as sad as I want to be. I just tear up and remember how kind and sweet he used to be, but feel numb.
It hurts that I am the one here for him, but he created me as an evil, vindictive, fake, cheater in his head. And as I try to help him and try to show him I love him, he just thinks about this girl and their horoscope connections and stares at her pictures.
I finally talked to her and she was disgusted and blocked him. I told him this and he still said that she might be his twin flame…
He has been very mean to me, saying he KNOWS I’m doing basically everything under the Sun - setting him up, planning to eat him, cheating on him, keeping him around only to watch him fail etc. And if he ever says anything like this or anything about how we’re not perfect anymore and will never work and that he feels he should just leave and knows that it’s not the weed or anything - it’s me - and if this makes me cry, he gets pissed at me and says that I have no reason to cry. He tells me to calm down, laughs at me, says that I am overreacting, that I’m making a scene, making nothing into something…
When I ask why he loves me, he has nothing to say. When I cry, he just lays down and looks up at the ceiling. When I bring up how he acts, he says it’s because of my actions in the past. When I say I’m sad, he says he should just leave. When I ask if he wants to do anything, he doesn’t want to unless it’s sex related.
And this used to be a guy who was so sweet and caring and supportive to the point that I can’t even describe it. He was so genuinely loving and you could see the love in his eyes, the smile in his eyes, the way he looked at me was out of a romance novel written by the corniest writer of all time. Even they wouldnt’ be able to capture how amazing and loving and goofy he was. He’d roll around, cuddling with me, wanting to always be near me, always wanted to talk about us, about the future, always wanted to get married, said I was everything to him, that nobody else could ever come close ,that I’m the most beautiful, sexy, smart, amazing person.
I can’t describe exactly what’s happening. It’s too hard to pinpoint. But somehow the weekend and the few days following felt like months. I feel like he’s been this mean to me forever. I lay awake wishing we could hold each other, but know I don’t want him near me because he puts weed and a fake girl in his head before me. Even when we “broke up” that weekend he kept thinking about her and saying they were meant to be. Right in front of me. But to this day he says he wasn’t being mean.
I think he’s using me as a place to live. I think he wants to save up money for a few weeks and then just leave me. And I don’t want it to end on his terms. I have done so much for him, cared so much. I have never opened up to anyone the way I was able to finally open myself up to him. And all I get is yelled at, stuff made up about me, told that the girl in his head is the only thing that makes him feel better… I feel like a complete piece of shit, to put it lightly. I feel lower than ever. I don’t know what to do. I have given him everything I could possibly give him. I have let him hurt me over and over. I have let him ramble on about his made up thoughts and not done anything but listen and discuss them with curiosity and praised him for his creative mind.
I don’t understand how he can do this to me.
I am so heartbroken. I wish I could explain his new persona more clearly. But he basically is verbally abusing me and saying mean, hurtful statements and yelling at me for crying after them. Threatening to leave me. Last night he said he didn’t care about me anymore and didn’t want to try because I was tired and sad from the weekend and he took it as me not wanting him ever again. And he woke me up and harassed me all night, saying I was having an affair. I said no over and over and he wouldn’t let me stop or he’d say it was true. Then he said he would kill the person I was seeing, who luckily doesn’t exist.
I have tried to help him. But now he just pushes me away. He hides his thoughts from me, his feelings, he doesn’t even try to show me any type of love or affection or care. I feel so hurt I can’t even feel. I never had someone I love so much treat me this way. And I know some of it is the schizophrenia… but I feel I’ve been hurt to no return. I am crying as I write this, but it just hurts so much to be with someone who treats me this way when I know I have been the most caring, supportive person. I have put up with so much…
I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do anymore. He thinks his thoughts are real. He thinks he has all of this power and will be so successful, and I know he’s going to live on a couch somewhere. He thinks all of this fake stuff that makes him so conceited and mean. And if I say it’s not true, he screams at me that I’m a liar or don’t believe in him.
I might kick him out. I’m sorry if I seem mean. I don’t know what else I can do.
