Tired. Sore. Weary.
And son realizes I am.
He almost made me cry asking what he could do for me. I thanked him for thinking of me…but in my head I am thinking if only you could be you again that would be the best thing for me.
Some days it is just hard to hold it together.
Tired. Sore. Weary.
Tell him that he can keep working toward better quality of life and independence. Progress, not perfection.
Take the time to take care of yourself. It’s all too easy to make sacrifices until you break. Now is a good time to find ways to treat yourself, your son will understand.
I have put in my two weeks notice at work. One of my (many) managers spilled the beans and the entire team had questions as soon as I showed up for work tonight.
It makes no difference to me, but I can see how that could be stressful for someone with less bravado. I will have a conversation with said manager about tact and letting workers have a peaceful last two weeks if they want it.
On-boarding with the new job has begun. Already, I have negotiated for better terms in my employment contract and had to point out several errors in the company’s records. My zeal is a double-edged sword, but at least I can rest assured that my diligence and my capabilities will balance the scales now that the struggle to reach agreement has finished.
Once the work is laid out in front of me, I’ll be attacking it with the same agression I show during negotiations. I can’t wait! All this is very much thrilling and satisfying. It reminds me that life is a grinding, grueling, slow, fast, exciting, scary, unsettling adventure.
What a rush!
In other news, my persuit of new work has begun to ignite the same kind of bravery and determination in the people closest to me. My girlfriend is inspired to work toward her goals of fitness and career. My brother is inspired to let go of some of his reservations and prepare to attack a timeline he had been supposing for next steps in treatment and job seeking. My Mother has decided that a set of circumstances that may lead to her moving somewhere new should be an opportunity and not a worry.
I couldn’t be more satisfied with knowing that I have people close to me who become proud and engaged when I share stories of success with them, rather than hurt and envious.
I look forward to helping them persue their goals and I’m ready to be the kind of help they want. Good breeds good and the Wreklus family is finally starting to all build momentum together after many years of shared struggle.
As I word it to the people close to me,
“You’re stacking up the dominos right now. That’s the important part that other people don’t see. That’s the part when asking for a hand with things is most important. One day, you get to go back and flick that first domino you placed so long ago and feel the rush when they all fall into place. But for now, keep stacking those dominos!”
If anyone is annoyed by my endlessly positive demeanor, I apologise. I’d point out that it is born of many hardships that I’d willingly discuss in a private message. But I’m going to keep being annoyingly positive and ambitious, because it’s working.
@DianeR I am so glad for you and for your son! He deserves a chance! How wonderful to see judges that are better understanding the challenges of severe mental illness and ways the judicial system can help!
@hope4us Thank you! I was very impressed by the judge. I hope this tendency continues through the country.
I hope you stay endlessly positive! I try although some days my positive goes more along the lines of I am positively tired.
My son is living independent now but trying to sort out his life unmedicated. He is well along in the sz journey and his symptoms have lightened somewhat, but somedays it is like watching someone walk a tightrope when they are having trouble balancing. A few ooohhh and awww moments too many. And yes good reminder to take some time for myself.
Agreed. Being positive is so important for our state of mind. For years, it was impossible to separate my well being from my daughters illness. They were so often one in the same. I try to have a positive outlook, but there are days when I just must surrender to what is and do the best i can. I take it one day st a time. Just wish my husband were alive since I muss him so much. Actually, my daughter keeps me company. I am delightfully to read all the messages today ever so mindful of the roller coaster ride.
Sorry to hear about your husband’s passing. I can’t imagine.
I personally like to think that the people who have passed want me to find happiness and are proud of the person I am.
Really glad you find some comfort in having your daughter around. Doing right by her is certainly good for you. Just don’t ignore the feeling when you know you need to do things to improve your own peace of mind and quality of life!
Update for me:
Studying for the new job is in full swing. It is so much information!
I asked for a challenge. Challenge delivered! Haha!
I hope I don’t end up eating my words!
I put my car in the shop a few days ago after learning that the engine it has is prone to a particular problem. A problem that takes a precision oriented team to fix permanently. Unfortunately, those kinds of pros charge super high hourly rates!
I was worried that I might be wasting my money, so I insisted on seeing the disassembled engine so that I could see the problem for myself. After some digging through forums and articles, I eventually found what I saw explained.
Turns out it’s a good thing I went to the pros!
I was driving a ticking timebomb, quite literally. The problem would have eventually caused the engine to destroy itself (a replacement costing an astronomical $8000, minimum before labor).
Good news is, the hotrodders and performance types who are working on the issue are the perfect people to turn to when it comes to resolving major engine issues. They’ll have me fixed up in a couple weeks and I can rest assured that the cost was worth it!
I have a problem with spending money on material things I want for myself. As I’m sure many of you understand, being broke as a joke for years instills a reflex to feel guilty when spending any money at all.
It’s not the worst personality trait. I do provide for my girlfriend and family like a man should. I just have issues with anxiety and guilt when I spend on myself.
Maybe the new job and bigger budget will help. Maybe it’s better to retain this instinct.
I’m so glad you are feeling a bit better.
Cold front blew in yesterday - my plants all breathed a sigh of relief. Bit of a wardrobe shock to go from upper 80’s on Saturday to lower 50’s today. Husband saw me going through my bin of winter workout gear this morning and asked me “What’s the problem, does none of it look familiar?” Shorts and a tank top yesterday morning, 3 layers with a hat and gloves this morning.
My son is probably switching from public high school to an Adolescent Day Treatment program, which is good but a little sad. I feel so grateful that this program is available. We live right up the road from the public high school, which none of our boys will go to, due to special needs. It is a little hard driving by all the time (okay, more than a little!)
@hummingbird. I am sorry the change is hard for you. As parents, we have expectations of our children. When we get a diagnosis of schizophrenia, everything changes. Over time, I developed zero expectations. Anything that came along was a gift.
The colder weather definitely is a physical reminder that time keeps chugging along and things change. It can be a source of anxiety, but I try to find the comfort in knowing different isn’t necessary a bad thing.
The wardrobe change is kind of a source of entertainment for me. I have boxes full of I don’t know what, so the colder weather is a double win for sifting through old objects from past experience and planning new to outfits (all with copious help from my girlfriend whether I need it or not, haha!)
For myself, I am working my last shifts at the old job this week. No bittersweet, no nostalgia, no hard feelings. I will make my last hours on the job productive as always and I know that the new job will become comfortable normal soon enough.
I am very much looking forward to the change in lifestyle. Every day I am reminded of ways that I need this change, no more waking up to 10,000 voicemails and emails, no more trying to shake off sleep so that I can hurry up and engage in the last few hours of daylight, no more playing phone tag with family because we are never able to talk. Best of all, I will get to become a daily part of my girlfriend’s life (finally!), rather than having to live like extremely thoughtful roommates.
The money will make things easier, but much moreso will be the normal, doable, sensible schedule. Extremely grateful for that!
I just now realize that I found myself today worrying about things other than my daughter (work, bills, dogs, joining a gym, husband’s job, etc.). That seems weird to me as she has been #1 on my worry list for 2.5 years now. Today, I had no real stress over her. Came home from work, cooked dinner, knocked on the door to give a plate to my daughter, came back later to ask her to go for a walk with me and the dogs (she refused politely) and then went back to my own thoughts/worries, etc. It wasn’t till just now, when I read the recent answers on this thread that I realized she was down at #10 or so on my worry list today.
You have me thinking perhaps of changing my work schedule (asking to go part time). It would be so nice to have more of my “own” time.
Hi, thanks for posting that bit. I wonder if that is what has finally happened to me? I am not fighting with “what should be” and am just accepting “what is” with my daughter.
I think that is so huge oldladyblue - a couple of years ago I could not get worrying about Jeb out of my head. A friend asked me to help with his soccer team which I had not done in years, I am a retired soccer coach and trainer. I loved coaching soccer and working with players. My enthusiasm was lost many years ago when my sons were both diagnosed with a kidney disease that was guaranteed to lead to needing transplants. I had been away from the game long enough to understand the phrase “I’ve forgotten more than you will ever know”.
Running a training session took so much of my concentration that Jeb was finally pushed out of my mind. My brain really needed that break from the worrying. I think it was a big first step for me. I hope it is for you as well.
Hello all, I too have found myself moving towards a different direction. Not every thought is about my son Lou.
My hubby and I went to LA for a visit with the kids and grandkid. Not once did the blues kick in. Everyone was able to have a normal time.
Our son Lou is still currently being held by the judicial system with a new court date of Nov 14. This competency hearing has been going on since May of 2018. We await news hopeful that he will return to the state hospital for a longer treatment plan. Lou is not med compliant at this time and continues to decompensate.
Take care all, AnnieNorCal
By coincidence a book I am reading had this quote before one of the chapters
“All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.”
I’m glad for your family visit and some time for YOU. Although it is hard not to, we all know that worrying over something over which we have no control will not help. We need to focus on the things over which we do have some control…for our loved ones with SMI, and for ourselves and other family members. I hope that the system will be diligent and wise to help your son get the help he needs!