As some of you may have read in previous posts, I am in a relationship with someone who is diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. For lengths (and laziness’) sake, I am going to refer to it as “pschiz” because that’s what we do at home. Anyways, as I have said before, he has these “episodes” where he becomes increasingly irrational and then dillusional and almost always acts in some destructive form or fashion. What I had noticed over time was that for safety reasons and common sense as well, distancing myself physically during these spouts is all I can do. There is not reasoning with something that is unreasonable. I tried it over and over and it didn’t work. Anyways, several holes in the wall followed by his confusion the next day as to what happened… I am still here. We are technically still engaged. I am committed to him. A little while back, he committed to finding a psychiatrist as soon as health insurance goes through at his new job and has been continuously trying his best to cut the cord before it gets out of hand… However… It’s obviously an uncontrollable situation. If he could choose to not freak out like he does, then he would. Anyways, he’s been doing what he can for now. The other night, last Friday to be exact, shit hit the fan. It was out of nowhere it seemed… Well not absolutely. It started with the typical hearing someone in the house. He thought someone was downstairs hiding. He then began to dissect the situation and entertain the idea of me having another man over even though we had woken up together that morning and had not left the house once. AKA it was an irrational notion. When I noticed things we’re going to get bad again, I politely asked him to leave. That fueled his notion that there was another man in the house. Asking politely lead to begging and pleading that he leave… Keep in mind he had thrown everything in my room at this point. I realize for safety purposes I have to get away from him so I grab my phone and lock myself in the bathroom. I can hear him pacing outside the bathroom door speaking really fast saying “of course you would of course you fucking would.” And then all of a sudden he breaks the doors open and starts screaming at me. I don’t want to go into every detail because it’s shitty but he beat the piss out of me that night. Choked me… Broke three doors in my house… Lots of material things (which I could care less about on the material end but not on principle.) pushes me down the stairs… Everything. I was terrified. I called the cops once I finally had the courage to sprint back to the bathroom where I had hid my phone. He was charged with 2nd degree assault and property damage. He went to jail and was bonded out in the morning (he wasn’t arrested until about 6 in the morning… This turbulence lasted for about three hours.) He went to sleep and woke up not remembering the entirety of the situation nor the magnitude. I doubled the next day and was beside myself. His brother and him came over to my house while I was at work to start repairing things… He apologized like he always did and I listened like I always do. I am not enabling him… It’s not like someone who chooses to do the wrong stuff and isn’t held accountable… He has a mental illness. I refuse to give up on him. We came up with a plan. He moved out of my house and we are going to continue our relationship but he is no longer allowed to stay here (episodes most frequently happen at night.) He understood the plan and agreed to it. We are going to work on ourselves and see what happens. He came over tonight after I got out of class. He was sleep deprived and awkward. Pacing… Not making a whole lot of sense but legitimately trying to make me aware of every single thing he was thinking. He recognized some verbal hallucinations and addressed them and is continuing to make progress at at least realizing it wasn’t real. They got more frequent during our conversation and I began to tense up. I tried to explain to him that I am proud of him for explaining everything to me so diligently but I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to stay here right now… He kept saying that I don’t appreciate the effort he is putting forth and that I am not putting any effort towards this. My train of thought was that yes… Acknowledging the situation rationally and explaining it is awesome… Thank you… Seriously. But I don’t think it’s very smart or safe to sit here while you explain what you’re going through that usually leads to an episode. I was scared, to be honest. And he was offended. I had to ask him several times to leave before he finally did… I just don’t know how to go about his sort of thing. He was explaining to me these things which is a step in the erught direction but how can I get him to understand MY situation? He is extreme upset with me right now… I’m going to let him be upset because my safety is more important… But I don’t want it to be that way… How the hell do I communicate with someone like that?
I think him living elsewhere is a good thing. Your safety is important. I’m not sure there is very much that you can do at this point as he doesn’t sound stable enough to have much control.
*I am so sorry this is happening.
There really is nothing for you to do except to stop seeing him–or just tell him that–for right now.
A few years ago my son hit me in the face. I called the police-he was arrested and spent a few nights in jail. I went to court, but did not press charges. Got a restraining order for a year. The courts knew who my son was-so they put him through mental health court.
I would not allow him near you for now unless his brother is with him. You should always call the police if he wont leave when asked. There is nothing wrong with you doing that---plus, that shows him that that behavior will not be tolerated with you. Hope your doing ok. He may have a thought disorder, but too many people do and dont behave that way.
I think that you’ve showed just enough compassion and understanding. Now is on him to seek a professional help. I was in the relationship with a guy diagnosed with bipolar I. Though it was not even close serious as yours.
You have done everything you could.
there is a point from which we are powerless.
give a sword to someone else.
At least to take a deep breath.
You are a brave girl @Nattyo if you take a break it doesnt mean you gave up on him
“Compassionate, empathic boundary setting” is strongly suggested. But to be able to do that, you may need to read some of these… Google and/or start going to Co-Dependence Anonymous meetings.
Tell him he has to get on med’s during one of his lucid moments. They have time released shots that are long acting. Maybe that will give him time to gain some insight into his illness. Look for lucid moments when he is at least a little susceptible to reason to talk to him. Don’t try when he is in one of his episodes.
Hey there! I remember a few of your other posts where he was getting abusive, maybe not physically, but I remember that you were upset.
This may not be a happy or popular opinion, but I think he may not be capable of being in a relationship right now. Breaking up with someone doesn’t mean that you don’t love them, but that you have to love yourself as well.
If you keep up with this relationship, this guy will end up killing you. No, he may not understand, no he may not intend to. But as a caregiver, you have to take care of yourself.
Thank you all so much. I am doing okay @sarad. Things are rough but I will keep on trucking. I will respond in more detail later on. Busy at work!
So he beat you up, but he’s the one that feels the legitimacy to be the upset one!!! I don’t let my husband get away with that crap. He’s never beaten me up, but he gets that kind of thinking with other stuff, like say he ate my chips and I’m mad, then he’s upset because I’m cross with him. Just tell him like it is and put him in his place, YOU’RE the one that assaulted ME, you’re the one that busted up all my stuff, this isn’t about your feelings, its about me. There is only some much communicating you can do until he’s stable, but once he is, you may just have to be overtly direct.
I hope you start to feel better soon. Im sorry that happened to you.
First and foremost. thank you for this story. I know it must have been hard to write and harder yet to live through. I have been searching the internet for a connection. Something that felt somehow similar to how I feel.
So I have a question for all of you on this thread:
My boyfriend of 3 years was recently diagnosed after an extremely violent episode. He began getting obsessive about 2 months beforehand. Initially his obsessions were about others but never me (i.e co-workers, his family members etc) Couldn’t sleep for days, he began talking nonsensically, he thought i had children i never told him about, he thought i was secretly rich (i wish!) and lastly he thought I was the devil. he believed i wanted him killed, so he stabbed himself in the heart repeatedly with scissors and punched down the bathroom door to make me watch. he then went screaming into the street that I had tried to murder him, chased me and later tried to have me arrested. Later before the cops found him he called one of my friends and told her i was evil and something had to be done about it.
This is the first time anything of this magnitude has ever happened. Previously he was overly paranoid, but i always had chocked it up to that. in retrospect i see things in our past that were warning signs (accusations of cheating, belief that he was dying, obsessions with people breaking in). However there is a long and strong line of mental illness in his family.
Since it happened he has been willing to take medications. He’s even willing to try the injectable (once monthly antipsychotic). He wants me to move back in with him, I love him more than anything, but I am very scared. He even said that we could adopt if i was worried about our children inheriting the gene. But- at the same time i sense that he believes this was a mental break down and if it weren’t for our relationship he probably would not choose to take meds on his own.
I want to go back to him. I want to support him and don’t believe he should be punished for an illness he did not choose. At the same time I read these stories, and the statistics about how likely it is for him to fall of medication in the future. I also read that once violent it’s often a running theme and that really scares me. What I lived through was traumatic, its a miracle that neither of us are dead. And yet here I am justifying that he will be the one to beat the odds and live a full and happy, illness managed life.
am I kidding myself?
My husband is not violent, so I really don’t know if I would stay with him if he was. What I would do for sure, is that before let him back into your life, make sure you tell him what your concerns are, and set down firm limits that shall not be crossed. 1. Take medication every time, on time. 2. Go to his appointments with the psychiatrist, and do what they tell you 3. Zero alcohol for the rest of his life. 4. Zero drugs for the rest of his life. Those should be conditions in order for him to be in your life in any manner what so ever. This is what I told my husband. I also told him that I would never leave him because he was ill, but the day he stopped his meds, I would be out of there. I told him that it’s not his fault he’s sick, but it is his responsibility to treat it. There is no reason why you should allow yourself to be put in danger, but he’s irresponsible about taking care of his condition.
Yeah you probably need to disengage yourself from the situation. Did you say what kind of meds does he take? And I do not understand how he can hold any kind of job being this psychotic