I could use some advice

Family
1

Hello. I haven’t written in a while. It’s not that anything stopped. In fact, things got worse. But it was nothing new enough to write about, I suppose. But things have changed now. I broke up with Dan (my boyfriend with undiagnosed schizophrenia or some similar mental illness). The biggest reason was I found out he was smoking behind my back since August. Lying to my face. Making his symptoms worse.

He spent all day accusing me of things. He thought I was always doing something whore-related or that I didn’t care about him. He spent all day talking about it. But the biggest issue for me was his ability to lie to my face and not feel remorse or regret or any type of ill feelings towards it. It strikes me as wrong that he is able to lie, even as I’m crying. As I’m crying and sobbing, he was able to lie to my face. He would delete messages, tell me they weren’t what I thought… How is that possible? I don’t really feel that is a schizophrenia-related trait. I think that’s just HIM, so I’m less forgiving.

On one hand, it’s “just weed.” But I feel he shouldn’t smoke. It makes him not that great to be around. But on the other hand, a lie is a lie. Am I overreacting? When he told me, I sent him to his friend’s house. He has always threatened to move there whenever he proclaims we need to break up for various, made up reasons. His friends let him. They have already gotten in arguments and Dan has not showered due to lack of hot water. He also was TWO HOURS late to his job today, the one day I wasn’t there to make him go on time.

Instead of heading straight to work, he came to me. He couldn’t really talk. He had to talk very slow. He didn’t get anything I was saying. He seemed apologetic and I know his love for me was never a lie. But he asked if there was anyone upstairs with me (like a man). I said no. Part of me feels he just wants a place to live, the familiar feeling of having me there for him. And I don’t blame him because I feel the same way. I don’t want to let go. I love him. He’s familiar and there are things I admire and like.

But I feel it might be for the best to be apart. I am hoping (this sounds horrible) that his friends will end up kicking him out and he gets taken off the streets and gets committed in a type of hospital and gets help. That is my hope for him. Because he would never get help without it. But I am also very depressed as I write it. It pains me that he would have to go through this. I know he loves me and wants to come back. I am scared that he will have sex with someone else. I feel the second I let go of him, he will find a girl as a rebound. But I also think, “if he can do that this quickly, I guess it’s not worth my time.” But it still hurts to think about the possibility.

He has definitely gotten worse. But I don’t know what to do right now.

UPDATE: He just told me from his friend’s phone that he was laid off today. He claims it was unrelated to him being late, but I don’t know if I believe that. I am afraid it was him being late and his possible weirdness he expresses at work. I have been bawling my eyes out.

2

Your probably right to cut ties on this one. He’s got a lot of growing up to do. He hasn’t even admitted he has a problem. It should be him on these forums and not you. You can move on and have an ordinary life without the interference of sz. I’d encourage you to take the opportunity. You are young you will find love somewhere else. Probably from a less contaminated source. You need to tell this guy to get help.

3

Thank you for answering. I am hurt and confused. I don’t know what to do. I’m calling my therapist right now. I just don’t know what step to take. He just lost his job and I don’t know how long he can stay with his friends. I know our love is real, but I don’t know if our relationship can work right now with him not working and having so many mental problems and him breaking my heart by losing trust. It hurt that he lied to me. But I want to help him, even though I know it’s not my responsibility. I want to help. I’m just scared.

4

I have no easy quick fix to your problems but I can send you a hug if you want one. hugs

You are not supposed to go under because of him. If he drags you down you should leave him. That’s my oppinion. He chose weed instead of you. You CAN NOT change him. He has to want to change himself. I’ve attended AA for several years. I know how drugs and alcohol can make life a disaster.

If he finds another woman, that may be, but he will surely treat her the same way. Or try to make you jelaous. Don’t fall into that pit.

5

Thank you! I accept the hug!

That’s how I feel, that he chose weed over me. He claims that’s not it, but that’s blatantly what happened. I made it VERY clear and he still risked it, smoking secretly for 4+ months. It hurts that my feelings didn’t matter to him at all. Yet he had the nerve to think i was the one that was lying that whole time. I don’t know how you can live with yourself.

He keeps saying he’ll change and that he has realized what he lost and that smoking all weekend enlightened him to the fact that he doesn’t need weed and only wants me. I stupidly believe him. But I know it’s just because I love him. He has promised things before. He has never kept a promise or stopped lying the entire relationship. He claims it’s just weed, so he’s not a liar. Only a liar about weed… But I feel if you can look someone in the face and lie as they cry that something isn’t right.

I’m not sure if any girl would even be interested in him. He is pretty awkward and quiet. But who knows. His friends are gross and maybe some drugged out girl will want to have sex with him. I don’t know…

I called my therapist. She said to give him an ultimatum: Get help or I can’t be with him. I am leaning towards this. But I’m scared to lose him.

6

I agree with Bryan. Move on. This guy is just going to drag you down. It might be “just weed” now, but this guy sounds unstable enough that there could be worse things in the future, maybe even crack.

7

I’m so sorry for what you are going through. It must be very painful. My suggestion is not going to be the easy, painless thing. You had set clear boundaries about the drugs. He stepped all over them and then some by lying about it. He will never take any of your boundaries seriously if you don’t enforce them. That’s the hard part about boundaries-enforcing the one’s you’ve set-otherwise they are meaningless. By enforcing boundaries-that you set for both your and HIS good in the first place, you are doing the best thing for him. Now it’s up to him. HE has to want to change-and to SHOW it with actions-not words. If he wants to come back, if I were you, I’d require action taken, getting into treatment for addiction and SHOWING over the LONG TERM that he was working the program. I would set a time frame, 6 months at the VERY least of proven change before you’d consider taking him back. And NO CONTACT in the meantime, because he needs to focus on himself, and not on you-to overcome a drug addiction. Then see where things are at. If he can’t do that-he’s not committed to change because real change takes time and a lot of work, and you’ll be in for more of the same misery.

8

@crimby I’m not 100% sure he’d do that, but I know things will get worse in other ways. Probably mentally. He needs help.

I have talked to his family. They suggested an intervention of some sort. But I don’t know if they’d actually do it. But I think it would help him a lot. I just want to do it soon.

9

I used to get in trouble for smoking weed in relationships, i understand now that it isn’t a good thing to mix with. But it’s happened twice in two separate relationships where my partner wanted me to stop smoking weed. I’m not using drugs any more, i started at 14 and now 7 years later I’ve realized the best times of my life have been spent with the people i love, not drugs. He need’s to have that realization himself, please don’t worry, things are going to be alright. Also, moving on is not a bad idea.

10

I have caught him in a lie about weed almost every day for the past 1 1/2. Do you think I can trust him to stop if I take him back? Or do you know, firsthand, that he’ll just lie about it again and hide it from me? I want to believe him and I think he believes he would stop. But I don’t know if he physically can. I don’t know. I can’t tell.

11

Please think about this very carefully, because I have been in this same situation before, and You have the answers, just not the ones you hoped for.
Bottom line is, what you see is what you get. he has hurt you to the point of you in tears, and he did not change his behavior to make you happier did he?
No. You will be the one who struggles between what you hope for (a man that loves you and cares enough for you to try and behave in a way that makes life easier for you) and the reality of his behavior (please don’t think he is helpless against his illness, this isn’t a SZ trait, but more his personality, SZ or not).
Cut to 10 years from now, what would be happening?

I see you still trying to get him to change, you still crying because he has minimized your problems he caused, blaming you for his behavior, still accusing you of cheating on him (and one word of caution, usually the accuser is the one doing the behavior they are accusing you of, that’s where the idea comes from), I see you working several jobs trying to cover his lack of employment that he blames on SZ, when it’s really his choice to behave that way, and much easier to allow you to support him, so he can do what he likes most of the day (smoke weed and hide it from you?).
Think of the years this could go on, he has it made, you always hoping he will behave, and if you get to be to much of an emotional hassle, he dissapears to friends house until you change back into what he needs, then he will come back to what he expects you to be, accepting of him (as he is-ie. making no progress because he don’t have to) because he can’t help himself.
Cut to a few more years, your getting older, more tire and bitter, and God forbid you add a couple of kids to the mix-you all will be spending a lot of time in therapy trying to figure out what went wrong and how you can get him to change into what you hoped for because he never had to change- you did.
It is your choice to stay in this, the stronger you are the longer you can stay…but in the end, it is all the same, he won’t change if he don’t have to, but you do. you have to become something your not, or you wouldn’t be asking for advice.
There is nothing harder than leaving someone, even someone you think you love, but the reality is, he doesn’t love you enough to even try to make you happy, and he can help it.
It is truly in his capability to make an effort to not do the things to make you miserable. Has he shown any attempt to improve himself?
If you don’t mind living this kind of life for the rest of the time your with him, then you don’t need to change anything except yourself.
You will be the one who has to accept him as he is(as he wants to be as long as you will let him) because his promises will always be there, the accuisations, the irresponsibility of losing jobs, the abandoning you when things arn’t good for him, this, and more is the best you can hope for, especially if he knows you will not leave him and want to “help” him.
He has it made. If you burn yourself out caring for him, who will care for you?
Think about how much time you want to invest in something that doesn’t give back anything to you in the end.

(and I was the one diagnosed with SZ, not him…We divorced after 25 year of marriage (no kids thank god), I remarried (life is so much easier without all that drama, and the ex told me he is getting married again (3rd time for him) in June 2015… hurray!! Someone new for him to focus on!

12

@Csummers I appreciate everything you said so much. It spoke to me. Sometimes people (including myself) can be blinded by love. I can ignore the things he’s done and see them as “not so bad” because I want to believe in him so much. I know lying is NOT a trait of schizophrenia. It’s his own behavior and I can’t blame his mental illness for everything (and I don’t).

He has hurt me a lot and at some points I hope my love dies. I hope I stop caring and let go. And then sometimes I wish he was better and I could be there for him as he recovers. Tomorrow his dad and brother want to have some type of intervention-type discussion. I am hoping it makes Dan want to change and get help for his mental illness. It’s taking over his life. He can’t even talk. He can’t see. He can’t keep a job. It’s very sad, but I’m used to it.

I am scared he won’t agree and I’ll have to let him go. It will be hard and scary.

13

You HAVE to let him go, for you and for HIM. If he see’s you having a good life without him, he will want to improve himself enough that you might take him back, if not he never will be a partner in your life, just a child.
I hope you understand I know how hard it is to let go, and I don’t mean stop caring for him, I just mean taking care of yourself first.
He needs to understand his behavior is within his control, and if you want a good life with him, you can’t let him make the rules.

14

@iamoliviar
I’ve been wondering how you’ve been doing. I’m sad it got to this point. You have struggled and put so much effort into trying to support, care for, help, this man.

Change ONLY comes from within. He can’t and won’t do anything until something inside himself is finally tired… realizes the situation he in… something.

I don’t think your a bad person for sticking to your boundaries and hoping he ends up getting some professional help.

I agree with everyone else who posted… It’s sad, heartbreaking, and it’s not easy. But This is NOT healthy for you. You can’t help him if your sinking as well.

Please listen to your therapist… get some time and some distance and see where life leads. Please keep your health in mind. It is time to let this man loose.

I am rooting for you.

15

@Csummers and @SurprisedJ Thank you for input and taking the time to answer. I have realized I cannot do anything to help him right now. I went to see him last night to talk - like he wanted - and brought him food. His friends somehow have no money for food but had weed, which I find pathetic. But he was very, very edgy, paranoid, VERY unstable. I told him he was scaring me and was acting weird. I told him I didn’t feel comfortable with him coming home. He freaked out and I could tell he was going through a lot inside. He was very angry and hurt and he couldn’t even understand why I felt this way.

I told him he had put himself in this situation. But he still said I didn’t love him if I didn’t bring him back home. I regret going to see him. I guess it gave him false hope and only made me feel responsible for his situation.

His dad and brother want to talk to him today. I am wondering how it will go. I am beginning to think we shouldn’t even try to help him and just leave him at his friend’s. I have called places and got information on places that can take him in and give him treatment, but I am 100% sure he won’t take it. I don’t want him yelling and screaming and freaking out in my apartment. I feel it may be too dramatic and will not help. I also feel I am tricking him.

Not sure what to do right now.

16

There is a LOT you can do behind the scenes… finding resources to help his Dad and brother deal with him… that sounds like a good idea… you can still be supportive that way and NOT have your guy flipping out in your apartment.

It sounds like your bf’s family is going to need some help… you can let them know what it’s been like for their son… what he’s been doing… going through… and how he’s been more involved in getting pot… they might not know just how addicted he’s become.

I hope you don’t mind me saying… this is just me on the out side looking in… but I’m noticing a pattern in him… as you relay the situation…

He seems to be making you try and “prove” yourself to him time and time again.
I don’t know if you noticed that.

There was a time my family just had to say… “We do love you… but we’re not door mats. We love you… but that doesn’t mean you get to treat us like dirt”

I do hope his family can get him some help… it sounds like he’s in that situation where things are going to happen rather quickly for him.

I’d say… take care of yourself… stay strong and don’t let him make you feel like a bad person for taking care of yourself.

17

@SurprisedJ YES! i have definitely noticed that. and yesterday i put my foot down and said, “STOP giving me ultimatums! stop saying that if you don’t come today then i don’t love you. stop saying that i am cheating unless you come today. you can’t think that about me.”

he is always trying to make me prove things to him: that i love him, that i’m not evil, that i’m not cheating, that i would never do anything in my head etc. it’s very tiring. yet the entire time he is lying to my face. i think it’s very wrong.

i am hoping to talk to his dad soon. his dad said that if he doesn’t agree to get help, that he’s going to dump him back at his friend’s house. i feel bad because i have made it seem like i might come get him today. but i’m only getting him to talk to us. but i don’t want a huge dramatic thing. so i’m very concerned.

18

I also hope it won’t get dramatic… But keep calm…

Talk to him in a level tone. If your feeling choked up… try and hand the conversation over to his Dad.

I hope you and the Dad can talk before hand and get a game plan.

As long as you guys keep calm and don’t be afraid to walk away if it starts getting bad… hopefully his Dad can get through to him.

If he has friends who are willing to pick up the bill… let him crash there… let him smoke pot there… do what ever he wants… it’s going to be hard to talk him into treatment… where there are rules and hard work.

But eventually… if his friends can’t take it anymore… then he’ll be more likely to go…

I hope that you and he and that family can begin to heal soon.

19

Look he is not good for you he knows what he’s doing
You know what you need to do the only reason you are with him like you said with your own words is that he familiar… You are way to good for him who cares if he has schizophrenia I have it to. He knows what he’s doing. Your his toy. Girl you are beautiful and you deserve. Man to treat you like the goddess you are. He is a liar
Who cares if he lied just a bout weed he lied! Broke your trust it’s not worth it yeah it’s love you have feelings but you better get over this soon or you will go trough more heartbreak he dosent deserve you not even close you are beautiful girl I understan d you being worried if he sleeps with another girl it’s jealousy its human nature but do you really care if another woman takes care of him? Cmon you had to make sure he had to make it to work on time! Do you really want to be picking up after him for the rest of your life? Yeah it’s love but not a healthy love I, schyso and I am not close to immature as he is

20

You are giving him everything he wants he’s a egotisticals asshole lazy at that and blames everything in his mental illness pretty pathetic he has conformed you to be what he needs he’s not good for you run! Fuck him forget him don’t feel sorry for him he’s a cimtroll freak getting what he wants he’s lowered your self esteem and he can control you and tell you what he wants and you will blindly believe him. I have schisproniea. He is just a pathetic guy. Can’t take responsibility for his own actions because you let go down his far he has control over your mind unless your run and get out don’t you see the red flags? Do you really want to marry this man this a horrible and toxic relations I saw the picture of you guys you look miserable but beautiful at the same time (: and he looks happy and full of himself egotiscal douche I don’t like him he is. A pathetic excuse for he knows what he’s doing trust me I have schyso. Don’t feel sorry for him you just feed his ego. He plays the mental illness card way to much and dosent own up to his actions. To bad he dosent know that what I know about schyso which I call him a compete ass for you God he is so pathetic. He knows what he needs to do. Leave girl you don’t need him change for you is great don’t let it go any longer get your power back God I hate him and I don’t know him he sounds awful you diserve somekne way better it’s true you know it and girl you can get any guy(: