This might be the end. I'm sorry

Family
41

Being alone, even just for a weekend, opened my eyes to a lot. I started to not mind being alone, but missed him a lot at the same time. I knew there was a void that only he can fill. I am not that into relationships or finding love or a boyfriend or being clingy and looking for “Mr. Right.” I’d rather be alone. So the fact that I still wanted Dan meant something to me.

Thank you for saying I deserve respect. It means a lot. I try very hard to do everything I can to better myself, him, our life together… I try every day to show him my love in every way possible and support him in every possible way. So to be treated so poorly really broke me. I told him I am never letting him treat me that way again and so far he has been very sweet and affectionate and I don’t feel it’s forced. Maybe the two days apart was enough to open his eyes, but I don’t know. And he claims he has only thought of her for seconds at a time, where he tells her, “I don’t want to think of you.” It still pissed me off because he’d agreed to not think of her AT ALL when I picked him up from his Dad’s. But at least it’s progress. I am giving him this week and if he still is struggling, I have told him he can think about her at his Dad’s house.

42

At least he is trying to banish her from his head. When he does say that, give him some thumbs up for casting her out and I bet he’ll work harder to cast her out more. I’m not saying put up with it… but if he’s casting her out and moving on… Positive reinforcement. If he’s ruminating and then acting on it… it’s time to stand firm.

There are things I DON’T want to think about. But I do, no matter how hard I try. It slips. But I get help and then I move on.

I’m glad you’re feeing better and I’m glad he’s treating you better.

I am hoping better days for both of you. Remember, you do deserve respect and consideration.

43

I still tell him it’s not okay, no matter what the thoughts are. But I don’t shut him out completely because of it. I want him to see that I care and want to be with him and that if he stops thinking of her we would be able to enjoy more time together, instead of talking about her.

What are some of the things you cannot stop thinking about, if you don’t mind me asking?

44

I’m glad you posted this because I’m going through a confusing relationship too. I met a group of friends and one day he showed up, he was really ill and delusional. He was smoking fake weed or spice which is worse than weed. It makes people sicker. Well I finally felt like things were getting somewhere, and out of the blue he says he doesn’t love me the same. He’s said that I need to get my life together and made me feel like he didn’t mean what he said. He made me feel like we were soul mates and IDK, I really started to believe it. But I felt emotionally ill from it. When we had sex we would get carried away, and he would talk dirty to me and knew I didn’t like it but kept doing it. He would use me for sex. I used to buy him lots f of ciggarettes and people said he was saying the opposite. We were dating for over a year. Sometimes he was the sweetest person. Now I have a 800 dollar moped at his house that his mom wants me to pay her back the $75 she gave me as a down payment on it but then decided not to buy it as soon as it was at her house. She actually said it was $100 and refused to believe me. She’s claiming someone stole her retirement and credit card information, and he seemed to be accusing me. He left the receipts of all the bills he billed my dad for jobs he did, and I found his diagnosis paper and it seemed kinda set up to me. It hurts to trust someone but never truly trust them or fully understand. He’ll say one minute “You know me” then other times “You don’t know me” and one time he said he was spiritually dating some actress who died right after we broke up, and he convinced me to be FWB for a time. He yelled at me today over nothing but I was just trying to talk, I couldn’t even get my moped back and I said he could continue to borrow the electric guitar. He acts like he’s given the world to me simply because in his mind he’s giving me some kind of respect as if I don’t deserve it. He doesn’t care. He’s starting to try and control me and who I hang out with like one certain person but not the other who abuses pills, even though he’s against pills. He has personal issues with a friend of mine and tries to get me to be on his side like he’s protecting me and then puts me in emotionally difficult places. Like one minute we’re best friends and then next it’s like he wouldn’t care if I was dead and would tell me to leave his property. I gave him my laptop that got broken and he put the screen in, because my dad was impressed and thought he was helping me…so he suggested giving MY laptop to him to be nice thinking he didn’t have one. He won’t give me it back. I bought him a really nice birthday present he’s never bought me any presents or anything, on birthday or christmas and he broke up with me on Valentine’s day. He’s diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, anxiety, and PTSD I think.

I used to be schizophrenic or schizoaffective or bipolar. He takes clozapine and thinks he’s dying because his white blood cell count is super low. I kept thinking about him and always saying nice things about him, and worried about him. Then I came there and he wouldn’t even talk he just yelled and called me a smart alec and said I wasn’t allowed to talk a certain way to him. Like it was all a joke. I’m not laughing. Apparently he told people I play the victim too, and I don’t even know what I should be playing the victim of unless he’s trying to victimize me.

He also kept getting me to drive him to get spice and then blaming it on me as if I was a bad influence so how is that for playing the poor innocent victim. He blamed shit on me all the time that’s probably why his mom hates me or maybe it’s because that’s how she works. She made me pay 100 a week to live in their basement apartment and I did it to be nice and help them out because TBH it sucks and no one else would pay for that shitty basement. But she kept nagging me about everything, blaming me when they used the kitchen and telling me to clean both mine and other people’s messes. Acting like I was projecting my issues when she was doing nothing but getting up in my face and business about everything, inserting all these biases. And the only reason I opened up to her was because I was under manipulation due to the drugs he got me to get him that were fucking me up in the head.

He acts like I owe him something.

45

Yuck, all of that whole thing sounds like a huge mess. Spice will mess someone up bad. I never used it, never even been around someone using it, but have heard the stories from some who have, and watched a video of a teenager who smoked it and crawled around in circles not knowing where he was, and paranoid.
Need to get away from that whole scene.

46

I know. …I am lost.

47

I know there was a post before about similar incidents. the whole thing seems to involve people who use…whatever, spice, weed, alcohol, dope… The only thing you can possibly do is distance yourself from them. And, I know it’s hard.
They’ll try to come around you, get you involved, and when you stand your ground, they might make fun of you or start rumors… All that happened to me before.
But in the long run it’s better. 8 years after I broke off all contact with the old crowd I talked to a friend who had also straitened out, except for a little weed. He ran down the list of the dead…all people we had hung around with and had never stopped…all overdoses or drunk driving accidents. I think there were 6 or 7. A few years later a couple more were added to that list who died of cirrhosis. After that 2 more from medical complication due to drugs and alcohol, and a suicide…
All those who quit and left the using crowd are still alive and doing well from what i heard. there was actually no more old using crowd left! I call every few years… that’s scary when you think about it.

48

Yeah even though they appear to be getting clean and want me to come with them to apply for jobs I really think it might be for the best to take more space and time away from people.

They defended me but also increased the situation with my ex who was a bit mean.

49

I’m just gonna take space from all these people I was hanging out with right now.

50

@StarryNight that seems so stressful to go through. it’s rough when it’s so hot and cold. one second they’re the kindest, sweetest person you know, saying you mean the world to them, you’re too good for them, you’re amazing, a goddess, their twin flame, their soul mate. the next, they’re saying you aren’t meant to be, you are hiding something, you’re planning something, you are evil, you are holding them back, you don’t show your love, you are mean etc.

it can be so hard because you see the love they have to offer and don’t want to let go, even though the other side can be so hurtful and unfair.

it’s strange, because he’ll be so caring and understanding, then the next he’ll be telling me how to talk to him, that i’m wording things wrong to hide something… he thinks i’m going to eat him and he whispered in my ear last night: “don’t worry i’ll eat everything. i’ll eat you. i’ll tie you up.” it was really creepy but i know he was just nervous and trying to warn me not to try and eat him.

i told him i was going to wake up and go to work, not wake up and try to eat him. and that’s what happened… he always has a reason why i’m not trustworthy and sometimes it can get annoying, aggravating, frustrating, upsetting… because i DO love him and show it so constantly and with so much passion and honesty it can get insulting and depressing.

he has tried to improve and i know some of it isn’t his fault. i hope i can convince him to get help someday but he doesn’t even understand that he needs it. he thinks it’s “fun” and that the “bad” thoughts are real and no matter how much proof i give him, he says that it’s happening “in another world, another dimension, not in ‘real life’” so i can’t even say anything to fight back.

the guy you’re talking about sounds somehow a lot worse than my boyfriend. and i know he has shown you kindness at times and friendship…but he’s using you for K2 (spice) and that is the worst thing ever! my boyfriend may go through strange things and say mean things and do hurtful things, but he’s never outrightly used me for anything without meaning to. and the fact that he doesn’t care what you like and what makes you uncomfortable during sex is a very bad sign. he doesn’t respect you or care about your feelings. sex is about both people. dan and i both like the same things and always talk about what we both want. you can’t let this guy treat you this way, even when he’s apart from you.

and the random stuff about him blaming you for things that you aren’t even a part of and manipulating situations… you can’t blame that on schizophrenia i bet. i have a feeling he really is sort of a jerk underneath all of his mental issues he’s going through.

you have to go with your heart, your feelings. you need to think with your head too though!

51

How is that “USED TO”? You mean YOU are off your meds? So how reliable are your perceptions about this story?

52

I’m off my medication. I haven’t had symptoms in years. I’m recovered because I’m mostly symptom free? But I’ve had a kind of complex/confusing childhood. My psychiatrist or therapist in the same place said: you are definitely not schizophrenic.

But my label was changed to schizoaffective and then bipolar I believe but am not 100 percent sure.

53

Thankyou for that insight. I’ve pretty much cut ties with him.

54

OK. That’s excellent news. But you would be much better off without this guy. He’s dragging you down. If you had a difficult childhood you need to create a calm, affectionate environment in which you can heal.