Unsure how to help my boyfriend, he doesn't believe I love him

Hi, I just signed up because I’m at a loss.

I’m 21, and my boyfriend is 20. We’ve been dating for around 20 months. We spent quarantine last year together and have been inseparable, but since August we’ve had to become long distanced because I had to continue my university studies in person. I live 5 hours away. He’s come up to stay the weekend twice, and we call usually over an hour each day. We also watch shows over discord with each other on voice call, and have an online D&D campaign we’re both in. Between all this, we text throughout the day and know what each other are doing at all times. I try really hard to stay communicative.

Over the last two months, he’s become more and more paranoid and delusional. I don’t know what he has, but I feel it’s maybe a form of psychosis- he really does seem to believe his delusions. He gets upset and jealous of new friends I make, accusing me of cheating and that I enjoy spending time with them more. I end up having to leave the venue or restaurant of where me and a new friend meet up at to call him and calm him down - or I end up messaging him throughout my hang out with someone to reassure him. I end up not following through with further plans with people because I’m afraid to trigger him.

We also have a mutual friend that he’s paranoid about. Me and this friend dated for 3 months over 2 years ago, way before I knew my current boyfriend. It ended badly and with time and effort, we’ve remained friends and never bring it up. I’ve been open with my boyfriend about this past and reassured him that those feelings are gone on both sides. Still, he accuses me of secretly conspiring with our mutual friend to make a fool out of him.

He spirals constantly over seemingly small things, I don’t know what I’m doing wrong or how better to help him. I really do love him and I want a future with him.

I’ve suggested therapy and have connected him with a counselor, and he keeps dragging his knees to book an appointment. It’s at a reduced rate of $60 per session but he’s afraid of therapy or being put on medication, and he doesn’t feel safe to tell his family that he needs counseling. But I can’t help him on my own anymore though, I don’t know what else to do. I’ve tried almost everything and I don’t want to lose him.

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Diagnosis and medication if applicable, as soon as humanly possible.

If you want a chance to beat this thing you gotta start treating it early. You’re both so young, this is the usual timing for males who become diagnosed (usually young adulthood). As far as how to get them to agree to it, I can’t help you there. Currently have a similar situation with my brother who started showing symptoms several months ago.

Keep in mind not every schizophrenic hears voices.

I think that getting someone who is mentally ill to seek help is one of the hardest things to do if they can’t see that they need help. It can be done, but takes patience and small steps, unless they are so bad that a court order for meds can be gotten. (This is what saved my daughter from 3 years of psychosis.)

I suggest you buy and read I’m Not Sick, I Don’t Need Help by Dr. Amador. He tried for years to help his own brother and wrote this book and did TED talks to help others. I read it 3 times and it made sense enough to be quite usable to me in life. If you can go to a NAMI support meeting or family class that will help. And read here, as so much experience can be found on this site.

Good luck to you. This is a tough battle you are facing.

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Hi, you are still so young and like me the girlfriend (I am now married) so I want to share my story with you. I live in the UK.

I was 20 when I met my husband. We both worked in the same place and went to the same University on different courses. There were signs now and again something wasn’t right, paranoia and mild delusions and suspicions of mutual friends. Very occasionly he would react to something strangely and he had very bad social and communication skills. But there was loads I loved about him even if others didn’t see it. His heart was in the right place.

Soon after Uni we moved in together and he proposed. He struggled with job interviews and also his paranoia got bad working in offices. I assumed he probably had Anxiety. One time he left work after some sort of violent hallucination or what seemed like a very real dream where he imagined he had attacked someone (he hadn’t and was scared). Took him to a doctor that night. They gave him a leaflet for counselling (with a looong waiting list) and of course he didn’t do it. He didn’t hallucinate again until years later so I thought it was a one-off. Doctor was useless.

Then one year a lot of bad triggering things happened (in the news nationally and personally) and his behaviour, paranoia, suspicions and delusions become dramatically worse. I was in my mid-late twenties and I didn’t understand or know what a psychosis was or Schizophrenia.

I KNEW something was not right. We were both not happy at work and my dream had always been to travel, not his but he agreed to move to China with me to teach English. Weeks before the flight things got really bad, he was like a scared animal, not a human. He was convinced assassins and government spies were after him. I took him the the emergency department at the hospital in an ambulance and the local doctor but everyone told me I was wrong and not a medical expert. They gave me antidepressants and sent us away. It wasn’t until the third day of taking him to doctors he was so ill and a danger to himself and others that the police took him away and he was sectioned in a mental hosptial.

This could have been avoided if doctors had listened to me and done something sooner - and of course if he had been willing to take meds and get help. Taking someone to a doctor for psychosis when they do not believe they are ill is incredibly hard. They have rights to deny consent for me to speak to doctors etc which is what happened. Also after he was released from the mental hospital he never truly forgave me for getting him ‘locked up’ and to this day we argue about it. I am now filing for divorce because it has taken over my life and I lost my youth. I never moved to China, I gave up my dreams for a sick man who is too ill to understand my sacrifice and what I gave up, it is a very thankless job helping someone with SZ. I am struggling with indecision whether to go through with it, but that’s another topic all together.

For you however, you are still young and it hasn’t crept up on you slowly over years like me: you are seeing stronger behaviour at this stage. When I was in my early twenties I did not have to text and phone him every day, he still had much independence which is why I married him. That dependence on me came when we were older and I now put my foot down and give boundaries. You cannot keep up what you are doing forever it is exhausting. If you want to stay with him you need space for it to work. Once you finish your studies and work you will not have the time to have so much contact with him.

Sorry I don’t want to sound negative but that is not a healthy relationship for you, and it won’t get better unless both of you change which is incredibly hard to do. You would need to create boundaries or rules and make sure you have your own life and friends separate from him. He would need to seek medical help and work towards depending on you less, also being respectful towards you and not making such accusations. You both need to trust each other.

I have gone through the same behaviour you have but I had been with him years before it got bad so there was history and I knew what the ‘old him’ was like. It took me packing my bags and leaving to finally get him to see he was too dependent on me and I didn’t have a life anymore. Caring for him took over. He has made a huge effort to stop phoning me all the time and to try and become more independent and look after himself. If I get back with him things will have to be different.

This is quite a long reply sorry! But your situation and age struck me. Just remember to look after yourself too and that you should be able make new friends and have a life x

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Oh you have fought a hard fight for your husband! @Chai_Tiney_Latte I feel your emotion in this post for @chevre and I agree with all you have recommended to her.

There were other posters on this site trying to live with a spouse with schizoprenia, it is so very hard. Many of them eventually left their spouse. One man I remember most actually had two households, one with his wife and one away from his wife. He had to build two separate lives, and posted often here. He kept those two lives up successfully until he left due to illness.

I don’t think that @chevre has come back on here again. I hope she has resolved her situation. I hope you too can resolve your life. You did leave and I hope you are able to build yourself back up, while you still care for/about your husband from afar. That may be the best route for you now. Whatever you decide, you are welcome here. It is a place to vent and find suggestions and keep hope alive.

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@created, I know exactly what you’re dealing with. My bf and I have been together almost 4 years. Although we both are much older than you and your bf, you and I have so many things in common.

At the beginning of this month (September 2022) he destroyed our televisions because the televisions were recording him and our WiFi is secretly sending video and audio recordings to whomever—I am blamed for having other men, very often. One thing I will say is that when my bf has too much caffeine (Diet Coke, Venom Energy drinks, for instance) even nicotine from chewing tobacco, his episodes come more often. So I’m sure there is some truth to dietary restrictions for some SZ patients.

After the televisions being destroyed, and replaced at his expense, there are some rules I have given him with regard to “off limits” issues. No destroying our condo or our possessions—EVER! In writing this, it has occurred to me to add my cheating on him to the off limits list. So thank you for posting.

The way I just get through the bad episodes is relatively easy. The disease in his brain is my enemy, not the man. I love that kind, funny, good looking guy that I’ve been with for almost 4 years. I can see the struggle for him to do all he can to combat this devastating MI every single day. Good luck and may God bless us all! :heart:

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@Love.a.schitzo I’m really sorry that the disease is acting up again. The destruction is something that I can relate to very well. My wife destroyed everything that she could get her hands on during both the episodes. The phones, laptops, our glasses ( she’s blind without them). I can’t remember the less expensive things like crockery or lights that we had to replace or get repaired. A related phenomenon is the trashing, spills, making weird potions and mixtures, ritualistic shrines etc. Keeping things tidy, picking up after her everyday, was so exhausting on top of the abuse and insomnia. The cheating is something where flipping genders perhaps changed things accordingly. I mean that she believed that she was cheating on me and wanted an open marriage. That was stressful at a whole another level, for when they accuse you, you know the truth, when it’s the other way around you never really know. The whole experience has given me PTSD like symptoms.
You’re right about the stimulants. The caffeine and nicotine did affect her a lot. The nicotine on top of that makes you piss 30-40% of your antipsychotic away, which didn’t help.
And of course, they’re amazing people when they’re not manic. I really hope your partner gets a medication that works. Rooting for you guys. Hugs.

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