Oh, no, don’t worry. I saw the non-compliant part. This is just a worry I’ve had for a long time now.
I was basically unmediated for a long time (over a year before I met C and I didn’t get to a proper dr until over a year later). I was seeing a doctor and taking meds but they were the wrong meds so they were ineffective and the dr refused to change anything so I was stuck. I live in a small town and it was just by a freak chance that my general practcionar knew a dr in a big city about 2hrs away from us otherwise I would still be stuck.
Sometimes I think back on how I was when I couldn’t get help and it makes me very sad because I put C through a lot. No abuse, physical, emotional, or verbal (I wasn’t zonked out enough to think he was an alien or something) but I would go on and off between ‘I love you’ and ‘I don’t love you’. I would tell him each time I switched, usually because I was standing right next to him and he could tell something was on my mind and he would make me tell him what it was. Sometimes I wondered why (he still does this) but I’m bipolar and I’ve been on lithium for about a month and I’ve stopped wanted to kill myself. At least for now. (To put that in some perspective we met about 7 yrs ago. I’ve been suicidal the whole time but much less so since I met him and much, much less so since I started getting proper pills.)
I also did things like ask if his sister was gay (I’m bisexual). I am willing to admit that part of that might not have been just being zonked. It might have also been because I’ve lived a very, very sheltered life and I didn’t know you just don’t do those things. I had a couple bad examples to follow from high school.
Whether for right or wrong I blame myself for anything I did regardless of whether I was zonked or didn’t know any better (which still happens a surprising amount considering I’m 27). I desperately want to make it up to him. Any ideas?
I think it is going to depend on what your partner’s “line” is. I have a cousin who went to the police and falsely accused her father of sexually abusing her as a child. The investigation did not substantiate her claims, and she was subsequently diagnosed with sz, but the damage was done. In the small community in which he lives, the gossip and stigma of being accused of pedophilia will always follow him; people will always wonder if it’s true. Their relationship was destroyed. For me, although my caregiver relationship was with a sibling and not a partner, the line was when my medically noncompliant sibling destroyed my reputation and relationships with her son, mutual friends and coworkers by telling them some pretty horrible and untrue things about me. The real kick in the teeth is that I was the only person in our family who stuck by her and cared for her during both episodes; so I am the only person who knows about her diagnosis. The only way she will ever be able to fix the damage that has been done is to go back to these people and tell them she was delusional and that her claims about me were not true; and that will never happen as she would then have to admit her diagnosis to them.
So dealing with her previous delusions and hallucinations was a piece of cake for me compared to this. Digging up leprechauns in the yard? Big deal. Someone wiretapping her phone? Big deal. Cops coming to take her away? Big deal. Neighbor stalking her? Big deal. Destroying my reputation and relationships with my nephew and mutual friends? Dealbreaker. When those paranoid delusions turn on the caregiver, it gets ugly. Even if our relationship had survived that; what would have been next for me? What would the next paranoid accusation have been? Talk about your no-win situation for me.
You sound like you have a wonderful fiance, and you seem committed to treatment compliance. He has already experienced your sz and isn’t scared off, which says alot about him. I guess my only comment is that if you start thinking about discontinuing treatment in the future, just remember that everyone has their own “crap-o-meter”. Most people will only take so much pain and hurt before they say, “This is it; I am done”. It’s a self-preservation thing.
It can hurt. Just like all love can hurt. If the person isn’t medicated or refuses therapy and/or medications. It is one of the hardest things I have ever had to endure. My dad was a schizophrenic and my mom had the option of divorcing him and remarrying and essentially starting a new life. I didn’t, this was my father and I wasn’t just going to leave him to fend for himself. Fend for himself, that sounds harsh huh? Well, he refused to take his medications, and when he did decide that he would take it he would go to multiple doctors and stock pile meds, he was also a drug addict and alcoholic. He did drugs for almost as long as I can remember and my mom said he did drugs even while they were dating and before he was technically diagnosed.
It hurts, man. It was love that was unrequited. He didn’t want to hurt me, but he did. I knew logically my dad loved me, but I rarely felt it. He couldn’t love himself, so I mean how could I expect him to show his love for me? Don’t get me wrong, my dad would say the words all the time “I love you” but his actions didn’t always match. He was unable most of the time to show me that he loved me. He was sick, and he was an addict. He refused to get help for either illness. So loving my father hurt me. It was like loving a spiky, pointy, piece of barbed wire. I mean of course there was squishy lovey dovey times with my dad. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t bad all of the time, but when it was bad oh was it baaaad. lol like the song it could go from 0 to 100 reeeeal quick. My dad had a bad temper and the slightest of things could set him off.
I have a question for you. Please don’t give the usual bs answer to this.
Would you consider your dad and mom’s decision to have you as fair. Do you think that as sz (I know the drug addiction just added an extra zest to this that might be impossible to separate) did your dad do the right thing having a kid?
I completely agree that no one has any right to tell anyone else whether they should be allowed to reproduce so I’m just asking about your dad. Was your dad a competent enough care giver to have a child?
Once more, please don’t give the “of course, otherwise I wouldn’t be here” answer. If you weren’t here you wouldn’t feel bad about it because you wouldn’t exist.
That’s one of the things that I’ve always wondered about. Can an sz be a good parent? I know there’s one in every bunch. Supposedly one town in Alaska has a cat for a mayor and that’s worked out pretty well but in general that wouldn’t be a good policy. I know you have no way of judging beyond your own family.
I’m sorry if I’m prying. I’ve been thinking about getting sterilized.
When an individual needs so much love all their lives that they can only turn to those that they think really love them, then they can turn into “Love abusers” the same way that they have possibly done with drugs and alcohol in the past that makes them feel so good as well. I can think of no greater abuse then this. I am a drug and alcohol abuser myself.
No, and I’m sorry for just responding to the title of this thread instead of reading any of it before commenting. I was not at all referring to you, but myself, as I have once again fallen off the wagon despite support from my family.
I’ve read through the comments and wanted to add a few things. I’ve been married to a schizophrenic for 6 years. He’s probably schizoaffective. He’s also the love of my life. You shouldn’t beat yourself up. If he’s with you and wants to marry you, then it’s because he loves you and enjoys your company. Yes, dealing with the illness can be hard, but so are a lot of other things in life. I can think of worse things to deal with. When he was diagnosed, I did a lot of reading and set out some conditions that I think are absolutely necessary for a relationship to work, and for my own safety and wellbeing. I told him I would never leave him because he was ill, but the day he quit his meds it would be over. My thinking is that it’s not his fault that he’s sick, but it is his responsibility to treat his illness so that he doesn’t inflict unnecessary emotional or physical harm on me. That includes a very firm line, no drugs, no alcohol, and no cigarettes. Alcohol and drugs reduce the efficacy of the meds, which is the same as not taking them. The cigarettes is because I’m allergic, but he is doing so much better, psychiatrically, since he quit. He keeps his end of the bargain, and I took classes to learn about his illness, and what to do when he gets symptomatic. We make it work. There’s no reason you can’t make your relationship work, as long as you are responsible about taking your meds.
Yes that is a difficult question to answer. My husband is currently going thru an extremely bad episode complicated by some severe medical conditions. We cannot get him to take the meds for his physical well being and of course he refuses the prescriptions for the sz. He is a veteran and we both have had great support from our VA hospital and previously we could get him thru a bad time and back on meds.
Now there seems to be more to his condition mentally that just the diagnosis of sz; I had never realized this until I began to read about the diagnosis. The last stay in the VA hospital was about two weeks ago and the staff wanted to try for court order re his meds, but just not enough ‘evidence’ to justify that. (I am new to this aspect of treating the malady)
He came home, went back to drinking and no meds, had a meltdown (sorry bad choice of words but can’t think of another at the moment) and is now in jail on domestic battery. He only pushed me violently, but he was talking of the anger he is feeling and I could see it in his eyes and face.
Now this is a nightmare; I am going to pieces thinking I should have handled the situation differently, but the doctors/mental health workers are telling me I did the right thing. A social worker from the VA hospital who is known as a court liaison officer will see him Monday; jail is obviously not the place for him so I am hoping that if the VA can accept him for long term treatment, then I can drop the charges and hope to try and get him well.
I have considered divorce, but I do care for him so very much; when he is on his meds, he is a wonderful person. I would not have married him otherwise (we have been married 11 years). However I have to agree with the mental health people that I must start thinking of myself.
This all seems to be like try to put Humpty Dumpty back together again–just can’t be done. I think what is totally terrifying for me is to lose him-the body is there, but not the mind. I now have such new insight on how this and similar afflictions (dementia/Alzheimer’s, etc) affect the patient’s spouses, loved ones and family.
I do not feel I can walk away from him until I have exhausted all means of trying to help him.
You’re a very strong person. Thank you for being like that, we need more people like you in the world.
With this said, don’t forget to take care of yourself also. Caregivers burnout is a serious thing, don’t let it be the center in your life, you always come first.
Thank you so very much. This is the first time I have talked publically about what is happening and I was really very fortunate to find this site. It is sad but I realize there is still the stigma of mental health afflictions and it is so very ugly.
And now I realize I have to keep myself well in order to be there for him; so yes, I must also make ‘me’ a priority.
So again, many thanks for your words of encouragement; little things like this can make all the difference in the world.
When someone can’t deal any more my theory (then again I’m diagnosed so this is just how I wish C would handle it if I have a serious melt down like I might be having now) is a good thing to do is break things off but make it very clear that you will be there for them when they “come back” so to speak if you have to leave (given you still want him back).
Violence is not an ok thing to deal with. I can see striking out because they freak out and think you’re a government spy and want to kill them but out of anger? No.
Louise…thank you for being so honest and open about your situation. My situation is similar…I’m trying everything I can do to help her…but the lack of insight is really hindering her wellness. She attacks me as her delusions involve me and my ex g/f. Part of her family hates me because they believe her, my family and friends want me to divorce her…but I love her dearly and I’m not ready to give up yet. Maybe it’s futile…maybe it’s impossible with her…I don’t know. I feel that I have to try my all to save the relationship and try to get her the care she needs. I have decided that if she divorces me and it goes through before she is hospitalized again…I can’t entertain the possibility of reconciliation at that point.
Hi-thank you for your response and now I am finding it easier to talk about what has happened, esp the last week since he went to jail. I hate being ‘alone’ but it has really helped me to think. Interesting about your wife’s delusion as I have a very similar situation. Supposedly his brother slept with his ex-wife and he and brother were estranged for some years. Three years ago brother came back into your lives (I had not met him before) and I thought him a rather dumb uninteresting creature who took every opportunity to let me know that he felt women are second class citizens. However I was always
nice hostess. And you see this coming-yes my husband decided that brother and I were going to become intimate. And he will not give up that thought. So now in analyzing all that has transpired in the last few years, this is one problem that will never go away. It is the elephant in the room. As to what happened between brother and husband’s ex-wife, I have no idea. I have never met her.
So I am now coming to the thought that reconciliation will never really be an option. He embraces his delusions and now that he does not have to take any meds-his primary mental health person -has repeatedly voiced how he has his ‘rights’ . That person’s supervisor of course is having none of this -we are thinking of court orders- but the damage has been done. And why this mental health worker would do this, well that adds to the tremendous damage to both my husband and myself.
So now all this becomes more complicated than ever; I have started outlining problems and possible solutions in a note book, but as much as I care and love my husband, I can only be there as a friend not a wife in the future. Perhaps I can do more as a friend, and I just never thought life could present me with this heartache.
Good luck with your marriage-I do still believe in miracles so perhaps some will come our way.
J. Krishnamurti said (many times in many places), “Love is being with what is in relationship.”
(But if no one is able to observe to notice to recognize to acknowledge to accept to own to appreciate to understand “what is” – because those skills have been effectively emptied out of our psyches in favor of blind, deaf and dumb rule-following by the agents of the leaders of a culture that fears observation and understanding – how are they supposed to be able to get that?)
(Those who have an experiential grasp of “unconditional lovewithout co-dependence” can get pretty close, however.)
I at least pay attention to those who opin that, for many with the disease, sz is just a more extreme form of the confusion programmed (because there’s big money in it) by the commercial elite into the simple minds of the “inferior” classes.
(And The Voices tell me the agents of the elite will “get you someday, you little troublemaker.” )
Dear Louise1987, It sounds like there’s a chance that nothing ever happened between the brother and ex-wife…
I’m sorry you are going through this, but I admire you because you are taking steps that will help everyone in the present and future.
The note book idea is great; I just saw someone do this process with a group of people (is there a NAMI family support group near you?). They made many suggestions that the person would not consider at all, but these were the first crossed off the list. Think of everything. Cross off anything you are unwilling or unable to do.
Once you are in a stable, less complicated situation, you will still have heartache, but I hope you also have the miracles.
Thank you. I tend to think the same, that it did not happen. I surely know how I would have reacted had it been reversed (my sister and husband). Sister definitely would have been out of my life forever. His family is somewhat dysfunctional and I suspect there is much in husband’s youth and background between him and his brother, old feuds that never got settled and now that I think of it husband does carry grudges forever and ever. However I have to realize that since he will not let this go, my marriage cannot survive wondering what might be misinterpreted in a normal conversation with brother.
Oh gosh the things I am coming to terms with in the short time (not even a week) since I joined the group. And hearing of how others cope and their problems helps immensely. No NAMI group nearby, but I am very pleased with what I am learning here. Wish I had known of this site months ago.
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