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Example of lack of family help


#1

So my sons father is coming in this weekend and wants me to come ride horses with him. I said as long as our son could come I would. He already spends too much time alone with my migraines anyway! His father said he guessed but it was up to his mother since he lives in the apartment behind her but I had to ask her permission. I called and she said she was just too afraid to be with my son alone. I explained that I am in control of his meds and he needs to get out of the house and be around supportive people and family that he feels comfortable around. She still said no. So I guess the only time he will get to see his dad is on the rare occasions that he comes by here. And even then he really only comes to see me. I pray fervently that their relationship will be healed. And understanding and compassion will begin to rule over this whole situation! God bless and praying for you all!


#2

That is so sad. I do know though that mothers love is different then a father’s love. Perhaps you can talk to your ex and convince him that his son needs him now more than ever but that’s going to be a hard sell I would imagine. Stay strong and know that what you’re doing is making a difference.


#3

I’m trying! Maybe one day he will come to accept his son as mentally ill first and drug addiction second!


#4

Maybe you should ask your ex-husband how many drug addicts he knows.

If he’s like most people, that will be at least one, and probably quite a few more than one.

Then, ask him how many act like his son. I’m betting that will be a big, fat zero.

I think that if I were in your position, I’d start getting to know your son’s friends. Then, I’d make sure they know how serious the situation is, and hope that they actually care for your son and would talk to him about getting help (best case) or at least look out for him as much as they can.

I’ve known quite a few people who had problems with meth, crack, pain killers, you name it.
They might do anything to get their drug of choice, but underneath it all, they were just troubled people and didn’t mean to hurt anyone, even if some of their poor choices did.
If they really do see your son as a friend, which they might, you might be able to use that to your advantage.

Nothing else seems to be working anyway, so I’d be changing my strategy and coming up with a new plan.

(Planning makes me feel better, even if I can’t carry it all out - gives me a sense of control.)


#5

I’ve tried to make it a point to know his friends and unfortunately most of them are distant cousins and their friends and are all on meth and heroine. In trouble with the law and just use him to get his meds bc they know he will freely give them up for company.

But I think I’ve come up with a plan. If my disability comes thru I’m moving to ar where I can be with my daughter and my grandsons. My son will have a choice to come with me or not. If he chooses to stay here he will have to find his own place and live on his own. If he comes with me it will get him away from these influences here that keep following him around. And lastly I could help my daughter out with the boys anytime she needed me! I could make the ball games and everything and stop missing out on my daughter and grandsons as they grow!!


#6

I think that’s a great plan - you could use the support & she probably can too.
Plus, getting him away from his current druggie friends would be a bonus & maybe the authorities/hospitals will be more receptive to forcing him into some kind of treatment program there.

I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you!


#7

What a beautiful, sweet family picture :slight_smile:


#8

Great picture and great plan. Stay positive and you’ll get there


#9

Well so much for that plan. I just talk to my daughter and she doesn’t want me and my son to move down there because she doesn’t want my son, her brother, to be around her sons, my grandsons, so it’s back to square one. Dealing with this all by myself. She was the one family member and I could depend on. Feel like I’ve lost my best friend. Now I don’t know what to do. Except that I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m really on a cliff right now.


#10

Dear Sheyelo, I hope you feel better soon. Whenever I feel too close to the edge, I just get in bed and pull the covers over my head for however long it takes for me to feel like I can keep going. I’m sorry for what you’re going through.


#11

Thanks exactly what I’m doing! It just hurts so bad. I mean I have given up my whole adult life for him. Someone please tell me it’s ok to have these feelings! I’m his mother for heavens sake! I should not be having feelings of how I love him and want him to prosperi happiness and peace? yet instead all I want to do is get away from him( and the other men in my life) so that I can get my life straight with God! and hopefully get over these migraines. Is that wrong of me to have those feelings towards my son who has sz and bpd?


#12

Sheyelo, Wow, that had to hurt. I’m sorry that this is happening to you but we have all felt rejection with his diagnosis for our loved ones. At least she was honest with you and didn’t wait to you moved down there with a lot of false hopes and it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. This is just a really difficult time but it will pass.

You are not a bad person for getting tired and feeling helpless. We have all felt that and you feel that on a regular basis. The struggles we have to take care of our loved ones to the best of our ability and take care of ourselves sometimes conflict and that’s just how it is. But look at what you’ve gone through this past year. You are a lot stronger than you think. Sometimes we just have to draw that, regroup, and approach something differently. If you need to pull back from caregiving, do it. In my opinion, you need to do that for yourself right now. Please do take care of yourself.


#13

Sometimes, your family lets you down and then it’s time to choose a new support system.

You have people who care about you here, but you don’t have anything preventing you from looking for others with similar issues in your community. New friends who’re going through the same thing you are could help lift you up a little.

I found this support group near you:

It’s more for bipolar & depression (which you mentioned you have), but I’d be very surprised if no one in the group has a loved with SZ, even if they’re calling it bipolar or just don’t have a better group to go to.

I haven’t used it personally, but meetup.com is a good place to find others who share your interests.

I remember you have dogs - just taking them to the dog park or somewhere else dog friendly might help lift your mood.

It’s easy to start feeling trapped when it’s just you & your son. I go into the office 1/2 a day & work 1/2 a day at home so he’s not alone so much. I’d don’t know what I’d do without that time in the office, and sometimes I dread the weekends because I can’t always get a break from him then. I don’t need that break when he’s doing well, but when he’s not, it’s a lifesaver. Otherwise, I start to feel trapped, angry, depressed, hopeless, you name it.

I also keep pushing the support group thing because I am definitely not the kind of person who does that kind of thing, but I’m so glad I found the one I go to from time to time. Even if I don’t have much to say, I feel about 1000 lbs lighter when I leave a meeting just knowing I’m not alone.

This site is great, but I get really good, practical advice there from people who live near me and know the system we have here and how it works, right down to a doctor name if I need it.


#14

Got an appointment with our Soul Care Pastor at 9;30 tomorrow. Help release some of this dress and pressure. First step in helping me!


#15

I too have absolutely no family support from my son’s father…he never was theee since day 1, none from son’s father’s family, and since my mom died 3 years ago, none from any of my 3 brothers or their wives or girlfriends or their children, etc. Just because someone’s related biologically doesn’t mean they will have more concern for our children. I’ve found a couple supportive people in nami…that helps.


#16

I went to see my soul care pastor this morning bc I was having feelings of hurting myself. He helped and wants to see me tomorrow. Made me promise if I had those feelings again I would call him. And it’s not so much of me wanting to hurt myself as it is the only Iway i see off this ride. I can’t change my son but I emotionally can’t let go even though its killing me. I’m thankful I found this church back in nov These counciling sessions are free. and it’s what I need to keep myself alive. Still in bed in a ball praying it will all go away.


#17

Dear Sheyelo, :heart:


#18

This is the stigma of serious mental illnesses, is there anyone in your church family that can help? Building community is a hard thing to do but so worth the effort. Take small steps to get him put in community. I took my son with me to book club, church and anywhere I was going so he could see and they could see he is not violent unfortunately the news and media do not help. I had to sit in the nursery at church for nearly a year so he could get used to the sounds of people and church but now he sits in the congregation , shakes hands as he leaves and this is a good thing there is hope


#19

It’s funny you should say that! He has went with me twice in the last month (which I had migraines so wasn’t able to make it one Sunday and the last time he didn’t go was bc I was out of town.) This past Sunday I had a mild headache and wasn’t planning on going but when he asked if we were, well I wasn’t going to say no. So I wore my big sunglasses and a hat and off we went. I was so glad we went.

I woke up this morning with a new attitude. Since I can’t keep his “friends” away from him then I will keel him away from them! We can do things we both like, like cave exploring, nature walks and the such.

So I pray that my disability comes thru so we are able to do things instead of just sitting in this house!!! And learn how to become friends again! Especially since we are all each other have!! pic of my two kids!


#20

You are not alone. My x-husband left our home in 2008 and has only seen his mentally ill son twice and that is because I took him to see him. His father has never made an effort to see him after these two times and does not even call him. He was a good father when he was growing up I have no idea what happened.