My husband “surprised” me at work today, having taken a flight from CA to where I am. I didn’t know he was planning on coming back and I don’t like surprises. The weather is dreadful, raining heavily. He was soaking wet. I met him briefly after work. I got soaked and he got soaked again as well. I don’t like surprises and wasn’t prepared for him to be here so soon.
It was a rough situation for him the first two times he tried to live here, but now it is even worse, financially. There are less jobs, less housing opportunities and less services. My family member was devastated to hear he was back, is worried for my safety (I am not worried about safety.) and my well-being (I am worried about my well-being.). My husband is not violent, but he is demanding, persistent and angry.
Of course, I gave him what little money I had with me so he could eat and get a bus to an area that is drier for the night. Tomorrow will be a new day. I am not sure what to do. He says he won’t use street marijuana or other drugs like he did before, but hard drugs are everywhere here and he doesn’t hang out with the most decent people, as much as he likes to play it up that he is a “decent guy.”
I have a therapist visit in two weeks, feel like it can’t come soon enough. I need help dealing with this.
Oh, sigh. What a shock to have him just show up. I have read so many of your posts, I understand. I wish I had more to give you than support and good wishes on this site.
Of course you helped him get food and transport. You need to help, it is your nature.
I am worried for your well-being too: emotional toll to you because of his illness was already great, even with him away. Having him close-by again will raise that drain on you even more.
If you can, until you can see your therapist, I suggest trying to increase your personal care like sleep, nutrition, and “me” time. Try hard to not let your personal care suffer. I will be thinking of you.
I already know that when I tell him I will not be available to see him or have dinner with him or that on my days off, I have other things to do, he will say “But I came all the way here just to be with you!” I am also concerned that he will keep randomly showing up at my work, which gives my co-workers stress as well and could jeopardize my position there.
At least I won’t have to worry about him showing up at the place where I am living. He is afraid of my family member, who owns the condo, and who would probably have him arrested for trespassing if he tried to visit.
I will do my best to increase my personal care, as you suggest.
Is your work management aware of the situation? Do you feel comfortable discussing it with them?
Resist the guilt your husband tries to bring to you. It was HIS decision to come there without plans. You have a life to lead.
Everyone at work knows. It is a public space and we often have patrons behaving disruptively and also have issues with drug addicts and homeless, so at least my co-workers are used to being around people similar to him. It is a small town and he has had encounters with a lot of people in his past two times trying to live here. At work, they are mostly concerned about my safety, but if he continues to try to see me and disrupt my work, it will be more of a problem.
I don’t understand why he keeps doing things like this, but it has become his way of life. He really does not think about other people or the consequences of his actions.
I do suffer from unnecessary feelings of guilt. I will have to resolve to stay strong.
Just a guess, but perhaps he is unable to have any thoughts of consequences of his actions. There are certain things my daughter is unable to discuss or verbalize. I can see the struggle in her face sometimes, then she sort of gives up trying to think the thought or say the thought that was unable to be formulated.
I wish it was that he is unable to verbalize, but there is no struggle with him and he is extremely verbal and extremely opinionated. It seems that he is concerned mostly about himself, even though he will say he cares about me. His previous girlfriend called him a narcissistic psychopath, which I do not believe is the case, but he is close to being one.
When I have been ill, only twice in our relationship, he will not lift a finger to help me, even if I have been unable to walk to the kitchen to make a meal or to get a cool washrag for my forehead.
But I do believe that he suffers from not being cared for as a child, then divorced parents and step-parent problems. He only knows how to take care of himself. Is he too old to learn?
Yes, the situation is very stressful. I am still processing what has happened and hope to sort things out in therapy on the 13th. I do care about my husband and I wish him insight and health and happiness.
This is my second marriage and perhaps I have lingering guilt that I didn’t do enough to save my first marriage. Also, I know my husband is sick and I would feel guilty for leaving him because he is sick and I couldn’t deal with it, vows and promises-wise. But that may be the end result that we do separate. If he is not able to find work and lift himself out of homelessness, I will not be able to help him. If he continues to be delusional and not get help of any kind, I will not be happy being around him. I am living day-to-day at the moment.
I am sorry to say that the answer is probably “yes, he is too old to learn”.
That is too bad for him. But you cannot control him, he is an adult.
If my husband does not do well in rehab, and returns to alcoholism, I must divorce him. Yes, it violates my vows, but actually he hasn’t been keeping his promise to “love, honor and protect” me. So who broke the vows first?
You must take care of YOU. No one else will. It seems he will not allow you to take care of him, and he will not take care of himself either. You didn’t fail him. Don’t feel guilty.
In my heart, I know that he is too old to learn. Or is it that he doesn’t wish to learn? He will talk endlessly about our vows, but you are correct that he hasn’t loved, honored or protected me for a long time.
Yesterday he spent most of the day at my work place, not bothering me but sitting quietly and charging his phone. But afterward, we were talking in a public park and he started insulting my boss and my job. He wouldn’t stop and I was tired of listening to his rant. I looked away from him because I saw wild parakeets flying (They are brightly colored, loud and distracting.). He looked where he thought I was looking, saw a man and asked if I was seeing someone else and started going on about how I must be cheating on him. (I am not.) I walked away but he gave me his backpack that has all his possessions and walked away from me, saying he would be in contact. But I still haven’t heard from him as of morning, it was cold last night and he was not properly dressed. I don’t know where he could have slept or if he was arrested, taken to a hospital or ???
My husband is also an alcoholic. When I met him, he told me if he started drinking again, not to walk away but to run in the other direction. He was sober almost five years, until he was injured, and I believe he would have remained sober if not for the injury. MI combined with alcoholism or drug addiction is terrible. We fall in love with them and when they relapse it seems that they become selfish and only want to do us harm. I will be praying for you and sincerely hope your husband has a wake up call in rehab. I know you love him very much.
Sigh. Oh… wow. The worry over him just doesn’t stop for you, I feel it. I surely wish that the love we felt for our loved ones was enough to help and heal them. It isn’t fair that we can’t help them more. Honestly, I think that the man you loved (love still) is in that frazzled mind of his, but he can’t get out to be the way he wants to be or used to be. I don’t think he is willingly choosing all of the torture he puts you through. It is sooooo hard to sort out, when they are not medicated, or the medicine doesn’t work, what is the illness and what is the person. I am sometimes a real witch when I am beaten down… I’ve made life hard on others. But usually I can see it. When acting weird, my loved ones just can’t see that weirdness in themselves. I assume it is similar for your husband.
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