Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

Help to detach from hurtful things they say

I’m struggling very hard today. I’m desperately looking for a life line

He has called me so many names, broke up with me ( as usual) and just swearing and saying all these things. I can tell myself it’s the illness but it’s so hurtful because he doesn’t say these things to others. He does say the same things about his family. But I’m his ex-fiancée so when he cuts me off there’s nothing I can do about it

I know it’s the illness but I can’t seem to completely let that sink in. Does anyone else struggle with the hurtful things they say even though they know it’s the illness ?

Yes, and I am dealing with a similar situation. I think that it very normal for a human being to have hurtful feelings when they are being verbally abused. Is there a reason that you stay involved with him? I cannot get out of my situation as it is the tenant who also resides in my residence who is abusive. The landlord cannot evict her. I can’t afford to move. If I could afford to do so, I would be exiting my situation. There is no reason for anyone to tolerate abuse. Ask yourself: “Why am I staying involved with him?” Ask yourself if you are co-dependent. I know that this is person is someone who is mentally ill and, most likely, someone who you love or have loved. All the same, one does not have to tolerate abuse. If necessary, get a restraining order.

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Thanks for your reply. I guess I’ve stayed with him because I loved him and wanted it to work out. I was hoping things would change but I’m learning to accept that, at least with me, it’s not going to, anytime soon. I guess I tolerate it because I know who he is outside of the illness. I know he doesn’t mean it and he’s the sweetest. But I guess I’ve tolerated too much. I don’t feel co dependent … in fact I feel overly independent … I didn’t even know how to share my life with him properly because I’m so used to taking care of myself.

Thanks for taking the time to answer me I appreciate it. I wish I had some advice to offer in regards to your tenant but I guess the only thing I can say is patience and understanding. You’re probably saving their life by giving them the opportunity to live there. Our landlord has been a saving grace through all the episodes by not throwing him or us out - even though we caused a lot of ruckus.

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I hear the hurt in your words and I’m sorry for that. I understand wanting the person behind the illness to come back as I currently am in the same situation. My son is my qualifier- and he is not in his right space right now. When he says mean things I leave the space. I can’t love him more than he loves him- and that makes me sad- for both of us. Please be kind to your self you are worth it!

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Thank you for replying. Every reply means more than words. You’re right - it’s about leaving the space and giving space. I’m learning to not react and detach and create some distance. Usually when I let him be he comes around and is usually remorseful - when I respond with kindness and distance with boundaries it usually works. I hear you and it saddens me as well - all we can do is give all the love that we can with understanding that it may never be reciprocated in the way we want or need - but maybe that’s what love really is. You are worthy and I can feel your kind soul from here. Take care.

The few times I spend with my son he is like that. It is difficult to keep my composure and my mental sanity. I go out for a walk , try to stay away for a while. But I am also clear in telling him that the things he says are hurtful to me. On occasions I ask him to leave and come back other day.

My boyfriend of 4 years has this problem sometimes, but I think that is why he didn’t see me very often because he deals with his work and if his mood is bad he will stay alone.

Sometimes he says something mean but means something else. He has at times said he was going on a trip or moving when he wasn’t, but it means he wanted a break from phone calls.

Sometimes it is almost better not to live together. But it depends on your circumstances. I would say to try to de-escalate the aggression and the tension before it gets to the physical point.

If he is stressed out and has something that calms him, it is good to let him be alone and do that.

My boyfriend is very stubborn to change but I started warning him before he would say something mean, saying not to hurt my feelings and he is better at it, but then if he doesn’t feel like talking I won’t bother him.

It could be that he is using this verbal abuse on you because you are the main person there but he is more likely having difficulty managing an emotion, thought, or symptom.