I don’t feel like I can do anything right! My sz son blames me for everything and makes me feel like the scum of the earth and my husband, his stepfather, says I never pay HIM any attention! I’m pulled in SO many directions all I want to do is hide under the covers all day and only come out at 3am when I know they are asleep and I can get some sense of peace!! And on top of all this I have chronic migraines! I’m shattered and broken! Stretched between two men who constantly scream I don’t give them enough! Little do they know how little left I have to give!!
So sorry you are feeling this way. Do what you need to do to give yourself time to deal with the stress. Take a bath, read a book, go out for a drive or walk.
Maybe when things are calm, you can express to your husband how you are feeling? If not maybe a close friend or family member can be there for you.
You always have us here on the forum who know what you are going through. Hoping that you have a better day.
@Sparrow thank you for your kind words! No psychologist around here deal with sz and unfortunately most of my entire family is on anti depressants. They are no help to talk to. I’m so glad I found this forum as an outlet to express my feelings of dealing with a son who is 31 with sz and bpd. Most times I feel as if no one else understands. Or better yet, think he is faking! My husband and son were both going at me today so I have retreated to my bed under the covers and asked them both to leave me alone before I end up in hospital with migraine or worse mental breakdown!! No one understands except those who are in the midst of it!! So thankful for this group!!
The bpd part is hard… my husband has that as well. When the bpd got really bad, I literally had fantasies of shutting myself in my closet and hiding. Of course, my closet has so much junk in it I never figured out how I would do it! But I literally did try to be invisible sometimes. Message me anytime. I have no answers- I’m still learning about sz and my codependency
BPD is another mental illness that is taboo to talk about. And yet so many families suffer from the pain it inflicts! I’ve been dealing with both for 12 yrs now and still have no answers except that now I’m going insane!! I’m sorry you have to deal with this too @Sadwife! And you too can message me anytime. Don’t have all the answers but sure do have some experience! Much hugs!
For my husband, the BPD really complicates the SZ. As the delusions and psychosis increase, any guard he has against his BPD is gone. Perhaps because I didn’t know what I was dealing with so I would disagree with his delusions, he lived in a defensive stance and boy, he had a BPD field day!
My husband isn’t in our home right now. Before he can be around my children, I have to make sure he’s stable, esp. his bpd.
I completely understand @Sadwife and I will be praying that the family will be back together soon!! God bless! Keep your chin up! We’re all here for you!
I’d like to jump in. Does BPD stand for borderline personality disorder or Bipolar Disorder? My daughter has both and SZ and severe drug addiction to DXM. Life is hard. My husband had mood swings and would be demanding more attention from me at bad times and I would escape them both by playing silly games on the computer. But my husband was usually very good and would give me breaks, but he died nearly 6 months ago. Since his illness she has gotten worse. She follows me around the house if I try to escape her. Emotionally I am now doing better than a month ago. The drug abuse is the worst. I am so thankful to know I am not alone.
@vscjunk2261 it means borderline personality disorder. I call it sz evil twin!! Sorry for the loss of your husband! It’s so hard going down this road alone! In my world I feel like I have two kids running around shouting “what about me, what about me” every way I turn! (I watch Joyce Myers a lot! and that’s one of her sayings.) Had to go get shot yesterday for migraine and picked up stomach bug while there. Oh for pete’s sake! Give me a break! Anyway, Stick with us sweetie! Sometimes this group is all that keeps me sane! You are not alone! And for families like ours with borderlines and sz we have double whammies and need all the support we can get! Heck even the Drs don’t really know how to care for bpd’s! My sons physchologist told me they are the worst patients to treat! I quickly found a new physchologist!! It is a very hard disease to understand but I do my best to learn so I can help him live with these two diseases he did not choose! Good reads: Walking on egg shells and I love you don’t leave me. Hope this helped a little! Hugs and prayers!!
I hope things have improved in the last few days!
My son also is quick to blame me for anything and everything. And my husband (not my son’s dad) while a non-complainer, provides no help with my son. (My son’s dad lives 800 miles away, visits our son rarely, provides no financial support for him, and turns on me whenever things go badly - yet to our son, he hung the moon.)
It has taken me literally years to develop a little bit of a thick skin, and the ability to step away from a bad situation. And I still snap sometimes.
Sounds like we could be twins! My current husband isn’t my sons father either and believes only in the tough love approach!! Which only makes things worse with both diseases. He also believes that my son fakes a lot. Which he does do sometimes to get attention but I don’t play around when it comes to suicide or him cutting himself!! I get so frustrated when I feel as if my whole family thinks there’s nothing wrong with him. I feel alone in this battle for my sons life. The only other one who loves and believes in him like me is his sister who is 1 1/2 younger and 300 miles away. His dad works construction and travels everywhere which he has done all his life and is a pot head. He calls him occasionally and sees him even less. If only my husband would take the time to study up on these diseases and come to dr visits with me and learn along beside me the best way to interact with my son and recognize triggers then maybe we could make some headway. Till then, “here I go again on my own”! Lol Feel like that’s been my life’s song. But deep down I know I have God on our side and He is the ultimate healer and comforter and my mighty strong tower! My prince of peace! I start afresh each day with hopes that today will be the day of complete restoration!
Thank you Sheyelo. Sounds like you’ve been having a rough week! I agree about the evil twin stuff and bpd. Does your son burn or cut himself? My daughter uses cigarettes to burn herself. She likes the feeling and the look of her scars. She also likes to make mild cuts on her arms and legs. Luckily she just takes spells. If I didn’t have a sense of humor I don’t know if I could make it. We’ve been having such battles over the DXM drug abuse that I have finally (2 days ago) given it up for her to control. I’m her only friend and I’ve chosen our relationship over policing her drugs. Just call me the Big Enabler. Nothing I’ve tried with her has worked. She went to the hospital for 38 days for psychosis and delusions and the first thing she did upon freedom was use. Maybe if she has control she’ll monitor herself. This is the only thing I have not tried. (I refuse to put her out of the house because she is not capable of living alone at this time.) I hope your week gets better. Maybe you should try running around the house saying “What about me” for a change. I’ve found that going outside or on a ride helps me. Sometimes showing how it affects you is better than just taking it over and over. My heart goes out to you. Good luck.
Yes my son is also a cutter. He does it on his arms. Funny thing though, he has tattoos one of them on his left arm has my first name and one on the right arm had his last name. He chooses to cut the arm that has my name and he slashes criss cross over it. He said its not personal and I try my best not to take it that way!! But more importantly I worry about the cutting. He says it’s the only way to block out the voices. However the good news is that he hasn’t done it in awhile.
I too gave up trying to control his meds bc we always ended up fighting over it. He always says he is a grown man and its his meds! Finally I did the same thing you did. Gave him the control. That was about two yrs ago. Now after a couple breakdowns, the dr has told me I need to try controlling it again and he believes my son will comply! Oh boy! Imma’ praying hard!!
Thank you ladies sooo much for sharing I’ve been wondering what is going on with my boyfriend for the past week and I’m wondering if this BPD may be it idk. Have your children always had both or did this develop separately? We are new to this. We have been together 13 years but just got a diagnosis about 6 months ago. He has not been able to see a psychiatrist since his initial hospitalization in November. I don’t believe the meds are working and he averages a psychosis about every 2 months or less but this last one has been different he has been very aggressive towards me and the kids and seems to be angry all the time then he will all the sudden be great and do a 180
It’s hard to say. Looking back now that I have some education under my belt I am leaning towards sz first. I mean as early as 7. Then when his hormones kicked in, there was a shift in his personality which I blamed on him just being a rebellious teenager and his drug abuse. Which I now know was him trying to self medicate. Then one day, after a month of him staying hidden away in his room from everyone, including me, I saw him in the backyard with a long tree limb uses as a rod with a tattered rag on the end, holding it up and preaching to the trees about the end is near and Jesus is coming back and he is one of Jesus’ high priest. And he had smeared ashes all over his head. That’s the day I knew there was something seriously wrong with him cuz that’s not normal behavior and I knew for a fact he had been drug free for over a month. That was at age 20 and it took 2 more years to get his proper diagnosis of sz and bpd. That was the day that forever changed both our lives!