I saw him in the hospital tonight. I realized something several of you have been trying to tell me. He was very pessimistic on the phone about our relationship, etc. last night. I have been a basket case since.
When I went in the ward he was waiting for me inside the door. He was in a good mood. After a while we talked about our relationship and I realized that he is so up and down that I can’t take it personally, just like you all said. He said that in terms of our relationship, he’s happy we are developing rapport because we have to crawl before we can walk again. I really was thrilled to hear that. When I left, I was thanking the nurse for being so kind to him and she told me that when he saw me get out of the car, he told her “There she is!” and went to wait for me. I’m taking that as hopeful for our relationship.
We discussed his property damage to the house that started this journey. He seemed unaware that there was blood everywhere and he’d broken furniture in my children’s rooms. He only recalled punching holes in the walls. Not 14 holes, though.
He’s being released Monday, which worries me. I saw just how emotionally fragile he is. I think when I talk with him or see him, I believe the bluster of his words. I really have to learn to do as some of you have said and ignore it. Telling him he’ll have to get the divorce seems to have slowed down his talking about it, so that’s good. He admitted he’s still sorting out seeing me in the past (his delusions about me), but he seems to be questioning them although they are fixed.
I don’t know what’s going to happen. I hope he doesn’t divorce me and we can work on this. At this point I’d rather him be in my life, even knowing the challenges, than not. All I can do is pray, I guess.
Thanks again to you all. You’re really the only people that I can talk to. Even my counselor is adamant that I divorce him due to all this… so I can’t process it with her. My friends and family will disown me if we reconcile, even my bipolar friend who is in and out of hospitals. If we do reconcile, he has a few conditions: move out of this house (my ex husband lives across the street), and potentially leave our state. I have a child about to graduate high-school as well as children in middle school. That’s terrifying even if I don’t consider his mental illness. I know I’m “putting the cart before the horse” and the bigger issue is him getting real help, but I can’t stop worrying.