That’s the phone call I got tonight, along with a youngish sounding female voice kind of saying a timid hello.
I want to be happy since he sounds happy, but I can’t help but worry. The way I see it, this has an even chance of being a good or bad thing.
Any thoughts?
I think you’re right about there being an even chance. That’s the stats.
I hope for good:)
Well, if she’s timid she’s most likely depressive. That can be good and bad, because depressive people are usually kind and empathetic, but they can also have troubling managing relationships and could cause stress on your son. I say that as someone with MDD. However, maybe he could be happy with this girl someday. A lot of people with mental illnesses often marry other people with other mental illnesses whether they are different ones or the same. It’s not always a great combination, but sometimes it can provide the stability/understanding they need that they would be unlikely to have with a neurotypical person. Usually they don’t let people give each other their contacts to avoid abusive relationships or to not stress the other person in recovery.
I don’t know if that’s a rule there or not, but he did come home last time with a male friend’s phone number. I don’t know if they ever called each other or not. It was just written on a crumbled up piece of paper.
I’m hoping that it will at least encourage him to get out a little bit and participate in some of the group programs that are available to him.
And, hoping that he doesn’t walk away with a broken heart, or a new obsession, or any new delusions.
I know what you mean. Well I don’t know if that’s a rule at every hospital either, but I had a suicide attempt when I was 15 and I was there for 8/9 days (PICU 3 days, then psych unit) and that was one of the rules.
Maybe? I’m glad he sounds happy. Another chapter…You are right about that. Let’s hope for the best.
My daughter has started a relationship with a real person but in her head. And his mother has “approved” their relationship. That too happened in my daughter’s head.
My son has done that too - with a past therapist of all things.
He’s so desperate to have someone to care about, and someone who cares about him.
She did say hello into the phone last night when he called, so at least I know she’s a real person, and they’re talking.
Like I said, I’m trying to keep my feelings somewhat neutral on the whole thing.
Another hope for the best, prepare for the worst kind of thing.
Our daughter, with sz, has tried relationships with guys who are “normal”, and none of them have worked out. As soon as they realize she has issues, the relationship fades and eventually ends.
So why not try something different? It does seem logical that two people with sz should have a greater understanding of each other and be able to make the necessary adjustments, and will be able to create a loving and lasting relationship.
I guess the thing to remember is that, like any of us, relationships can be hard to find in the first place, and always take a lot of effort to sustain over a long period of time. My wife and I have had over 30 years on the marriage rollercoaster.
I’ve been married 28 & people don’t realize how hard it can be.
I’m not going there yet though - they just met yesterday & I don’t even know if she lives anywhere near us.
But, it’s something to think about. I think he has a big chance of meeting someone who has similar issues if he participates in the group-type activities that are available to him when he gets out. He says he wants to this time because he can see what isolating has done.
I support your caution. My son got involved with, and eventually MARRIED someone he met in the hospital.Nobody could tell us anything about her because of privacy laws, but … the staff was very upset about it, and it was a disaster. They split after a few months, and she is now deceased, likely due to an overdose. That was AFTER she illegally married a second time without a divorce from my son.
That’s the kind of thing I worry about.
But, he’s so desperate to make a connection with someone that I won’t say anything - just stay watchful.
After all, I am the dream crusher since I only see potential problems & my super power is sucking the fun out of absolutely everything.
Besides, if I say anything negative, it will only reinforce any ideas he gets. I’ll just be happy that he’s happy & sympathetic & supportive if he ends up not happy. I’m probably overreacting anyway, but the warning bells just went right off in my head as soon as the words have out his mouth.
If they decide to hang out or have a relationship after they both leave the hospital, why don’t you invite her to have dinner with you guys so that way you can get to know her? Or you can even go see your son during visitation and maybe you’ll see her there and get a slight idea of what she is like.
He really is an adult and love is one of our deepest needs, especially romantic love for young (and young at heart) adults.
If they start spending time together, I love the idea of having her over to dinner or going out to dinner together. Movies too. Parks.
I’m sure we’ll meet her if it comes to that.
Tomorrow night they have visitation, but patients only get to go into the room where they have it if they have a visitor.
And, they don’t have a lot of visitors. I go every time unless he asks me not to come, and some of the times I’m the only visitor. They have 3 tables in the room & there’s only been one time when they had to get extra chairs because 4 people had visitors all at once.
We’ve never been a sit down at the table & have dinner kind of family - more of a grab what you want when you want it kind of family. Not that we don’t cook, we just kind of all eat when we’re hungry rather than on a schedule. But, I would definitely have her over or take them somewhere if they wanted to go.
There’s no telling where she lives though. It could be anywhere in the state - or even out of state for that matter.
He hasn’t called me today at all, so that kind of means he’s entertained since they got working phones back on the unit a couple days ago. Now, I’m wondering if he’ll try to talk them into letting him stay longer instead of getting discharged as soon as possible.
Yeah, I know what it’s like. How about some store bought ready food or cuisine delivery, like Asian food? You should ask if she has any allergies though, I have over 50 allergies to foods. Yeah, that’s true. Usually if you’re hospitalized in a state/county, it’s because you are from that county, especially if it’s psychiatric. So let’s hope for the best. I hope they can both be happy, whether it’s together or apart.
We’ll see what she likes.
My son’s current favorite thing is Thai Hot Pot complete with mussels, scallops, shrimp & octopus - from our Chinese restaurant.
But, I cook all the time - we just don’t eat together. I’m not a meal person - I kind of just like to eat when I want to eat.
He has issues with food. I used to think it was that he didn’t want to eat in front of people, but he’s told me he doesn’t like to hear other people chew their food. He stops eating pretty much completely when he’s psychotic, so I leave him be about it so I don’t do anything to encourage a full-time eating problem.
My husband used to work construction, so he kept odd hours depending on where the job was & then would get busy with other stuff when he got home, so he’s in the habit of eating late at night.
I finally took the kitchen table down about 10 years ago to make more room for our big house dogs & their crates. All we used it for was to pile stuff on.
So, I’ll guess I’ll treat her like I did my son’s high-school friends when they came over - generally, I’d either make or buy whatever they liked, and they’d usually eat in his room watching movies or playing video games.
But, I’m getting way ahead of things. I’m just hoping he doesn’t get all delusional/obsessed over her and she doesn’t put any ideas in his head that are crazier than what he comes up with by himself.
@slw: Years ago when my daughter was 19 years old (she is 33 now) hospitalized in a psychiatric unit she met a 43 year old man she was head over heels in love with. She was convinced he was a king of an Asian country and that she is going to marry him and be his queen. The relationship lasted outside of the hospital for about 3 months and then her meds kicked in and saw that he was much sicker than she was.
Later my daughter met my grandchildren’s father in a group home and they had 2 children. I can’t imagine not having my sweet and spunky grandchildren but folks with mi have a very difficult time parenting. It was an unfortunate decision for her to decide to have children but they are here and I love them in the same way I love my children.
Relationships can be wonderful for our children – who doesn’t want a life companion – but getting pregnant and having children not so much.
Well he called me to tell me he thinks he has another meeting with the case worker tomorrow & they will probably call me. That means he’ll probably come home Friday - or Monday at the latest.
I asked him how his new friend was. I just got a casual, oh, she’s cool.
So, I’m definitely doing my typical mom panic-mode thing.
And, I even have mixed feelings about that.
I really do want him to move on to normal things that normal people do, but the whole idea is so not in my comfort zone.