Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

Hurtful things my girlfriend says..Trying to understand

I truly don’t know what to do. It seems very other day my girlfriend will call me and want to see me because she says she can’t bear to be away from me. ( She used to live with me and moved back in with her mom, she’s 32.) She will be so sweet and kind and we will have such a good time being together and she is constantly telling me how much she loves me…then out of nowhere she will tell me she doesn’t love me anymore and needs to be alone, and also mentions she doesn’t find me attractive anymore. She says she loves me…but is not IN love with me.
This of course breaks my heart each time she does this.
She has a little 10 year old girl and they both lived with me for over a year. I think of her little girl as my own and just love her to pieces! I miss her so much! She went to stay with my girlfriends sister when she got sick. So when I lose the girlfriend I also lose my daughter…at least to me she is. So of course this is terrible to handle.
After she tells me all these bad things…I tell her I love her and I want her to be well. And she doesn’t have to be in love with me for me to help her and if she needs time away from me I understand.
Of course sometimes I can’t help but show this hurts me by tearing up or some facial expression…but I do my best.
Anyway it literally destroys me inside.
So I go away…or she does…for a day…or sometimes a few hours…and bang!..Here she is again. She tells me she only wanted to hurt me because of all the bad things I’m doing to her. …Which I’m not. The bad things are part of a story she has in her head…that includes me as one of the bad guys.
So she will go a day or two or a few hours and come back and ask if she can stay the night or spend the day with me at my house. She talks about wanting to have sex a lot…but I tell her I would like to wait until we both feel she is better and can make that kind of big decision. (We had sex before when we lived together…but since she got sick I told her I would like to wait…so I know she is making the decisions…not her sickness.
I’m trying my very best to be supportive.
I told her yesterday I loved her…but I get so confused. She needs me…I know that. She doesn’t have much support at home. But I must say…the super roller coaster up and down …I love you…then I don’t thing…is really terrible.
It hurts my feeling so bad every time.
But I do love her and know she might be having a hard time figuring things out.
I told her just to not worry about figuring us out and just get better and then we will see.
But she’s very hard to tell anything to. lol. She definitely is strong willed.
Anyway sometimes I just wonder what to do. If I’m doing the right thing about anything at all.
Thanks for listening.
God bless everyone,

Hi, thank you for being there for her, it’s not easy at all, and sometimes we don’t have the appreciation for our sanity as we deserve.

It sounds like you need some time for yourself too, don’t let it become such a huge part of your life or you’ll risk facing burnout and that’s a serious problem for the ones that take care of us.

Is she on meds? Is she getting medical help?

The not loving you part she says probably comes from her delusions, I wouldn’t give much importance to it. It’s obvious she cares for you, she must be very confused

It might help to keep some objectivity about it. I’m sure you’re already doing that. Just remember it is her illness talking. You might try to think of assertive ways to answer her painful words. Tell her that she is usually not well when she talks like that, and you will listen better when she is in her right mind. You’re in a similar quandary to other people on this site who are in relationships with a schizophrenic. It’s usually painful. If you want this relationship to work you’ll have to be supportive, but don’t be a door mat if you can help it.

I would humbly suggest to contemplate on the meaning of LOVE. What is love for you? Does it mean getting hurt? Is there any correlation between love and hurt in your personal history? As the saying goes ‘if it hurts it is not love’

Since she is a girlfriend and not a family member you might feel responsible for,why did you get involved with her in the first place?