I can't live like this anymore


Clozapine without a doubt, saved my son’s life…and probably mine too! My son has no insight either though I believe that might be slowly changing, and as of now, still will not engage in any kind of therapy.


Its hard to say anything on a daily basis with our limited contact. When he last tried meds he responded rather quickly to them. The little things I have noticed could be from the scz cycling lighter.

Yes, less is good, we shall see.


I pray you will start seeing some improvements in Jen soon!! I have been doing this longer than 10 yrs now and am just beginning to realize that the good days are given to us to regain our strength so we can weather the bad ones. But that in itself has given me hope. Just as the good days fade into bad, so the bad fade into good. I wish there were only good days but then why would I need God!! He carries us through those bad times and rejoices with us in the good!!

Hopefully we will get back into our home by the first week in September. At least that is what we are shooting for. Love :heart:️ and hugs :hugs: and prayers :pray:t2: to all!!


Wes, had never heard of this before. My sons meds were changed last winter and the new ones seemed to send him over the edge so he went off the meds abruptly. Oh boy but that was a rough time. So I just looked up the symptoms of akathisia and that seems to fit what we went through. Thanks for the education!

Over the years he has researched and complained about the side effects of the meds but had been somewhat compliant until last year. Since spring he has steadfastly refused meds alternating between he may need them but they are killing him and there is nothing wrong with him.
As long as he does not use drugs or drink we are trying to support his no meds stance. We are encouraging CBT too.


They seem to do a good job of keeping it a secret. I had never heard of it, either, until a regular nurse at the emergency room told me about it. I had her write it down for me, because I didn’t even know how to spell it.

Coming off abruptly causes major withdrawal symptoms, too. They can be quite awful.

CBT can be very helpful. I use the skills i learned from it every single day.


Oh the side effects of Zyprexa or Olanzapine (here in Spain, generics are used as they are cheaper). When my ex partner decided to finally go back on medication. At 15mg, the voices stopped. And taken at night when they normally start, he slept! For the first time in 2 years. Sleep is extremely important. Then, he overdosed one night drunk. So I gave the meds to doctor at the day centre he was visiting. The bastard administrated the dose in the morning. By nightfall, Dr Jekel and Mr Hyde where back.

Then came what O. describes as “the happy plant plot” Phase. Social withdrawal, constant hunger (I padlocked the fridge. And a friend mine, a nutritionist came to assess him) numbing of all emotions. Complete APATHY. “The Art of Truly not giving a F***k”! So I bought him puzzle books, crosswords and sat with him for hours on end. I translated and the “happy plant” smoked his cigarettes and joined the dots. Household chores. Me, financial burden, Me, days of sadness, Me. I began to miss the “crazy O. I had fallen in love with”.
The therapy began with me. Then a detox centre, and strict “hygiene de vie” enable him to slowly reduce the dosis until now that it is 2.5mg and he is responsable for his own life!

I still watch over him but from a distance. Control his finances. Accompany him to see the shrink. Breaking up this summer is distroying him but He now has his “super family” and infrastructure (not that they have ever dared to implicate themselves.) Yes, the penny dropped. I understand why the words “we´re counting on you” were constantly said.

I sorry to burden you all with this negative narration. I am broken. Dangerously thin. On antidepressants and should be in hospital. And nobody cares.
Mea culpa for supporting " a schizophrenic".

Thanks for the tips on migraines. I have been suffering from them for months now.
Nice to know that I am not alone.


Take care of yourself Lea. Put yourself back together one piece at a time.


thank you so much for you gentle words.

I have taken the biggest step and reached out to my support network. Its amazing how planning a self gratifying activity every day with positive people helps. Taking care of yourself is one of the hardest jobs there is. However it is the most important. If I am well and positive than the World around me is a healthier more positive place. " A drop in the ocean".


I know exactly how you feel…if he’s here even a few days-im going insane plus i get much closer to him causing me to fear losing him that much more…and my husband who is not his dad is going insane…he has no kids so he doesn’t get it-but then every time i send him home where he lives in an rv on his dads land…i feel horrible and miss him and worry he will harm himself…at least i think if he’s with me i could save him yet he cant live with me as he drives us crazy…its a no-win situation. What are we supposed to do…:frowning:


Where I live, they have an Intensive Community Treatment program for people like your son.

They would check up on him, help him with housing if he needs it, get him into some kind of activities, help him if he wanted to find a job - all kinds of things depending on what kind of help he will accept.

My son is in the program, but he doesn’t accept much help. He sees the doctor once a month & a case manager once or twice a month & that’s it. I’d like him to do more, but I don’t push. Pushing doesn’t help him.

Maybe they have something like that in your area? If nothing else, they’d go check on him once a week and if the RV situation doesn’t work out, they could help him find something else.

Here, you have to be on Medicaid to get the help, but you’re working on that already.


He gets mad because he thinks he doesn’t have schizophrenia…he gets angry when I have to spend money for his problems cuz he thinks it’s unnecessary and it’s hurting me…I get so overwhelmed trying to help him plus get to all my appts as well-and he lives 60 miles from me and I have phobias that sometimes make it hard to go very often but I try…I am working on getting all I can for him-it’s so sad-he has a heart of gold and doesn’t mean to hurt anyone and I’m terrified a cop will shoot him cuz he’s always trying to flag one down to explain to them what’s going on in the world and how we’re all in danger-he thinks he a “targeted individual” and satellites are speaking through him…gosh it’s so hard and sad…:disappointed::heart:


I imagine by now that most of the cops in his area know who he is if he flags them down & talks to them.
I’d hope so anyway.


Well we live in San Antonio so theres a lot of police…not to mention all the suburb areas that have their own cops…he will sometimes go downtown with a big fake sword or fake gun to go to some cosplay thing or something but he’s always wrong on the date so he’s walking around this way for no apparent reason…not to mention nobody else is dressed oddly…and theres obviously something not right with him as he’s talking away to himself…so many police are terrified right now because of all the people wanting to kill officers and my son doesn’t want to harm anyone-he just draws attention even to the point of going up to the police to warn them of impending doom…he is always planning on a trip to Washington for some reason-he says he has to get there and warn them so they can save everyone…im terrified he’ll actually take off and then he’ll just be out there all alone…best i could hope for if he does is that they pick him up and put him in a hospital. It just seems theres no end and I find myself feeling quite hopeless…


It’s good news that you live in Bexar County. It is one of the best places in the US for mental illness treatment and diversion from jail.

Here is the place you can call 24/7 and talk to someone about steps to take for your son and yourself:

The Center for Health Care Services
3031 IH 10 West
San Antonio, TX 78201
Crisis Phone: 800-316-9241 or 210-223-7233
Main Phone: 210-731-1300
Website: http://www.chcsbc.org/

Counties Served: Bexar

Also, if you have not yet spoken with NAMI or been to a meeting, they might provide support for you and ideas for your son’s care:


Boston Globe article about Bexar County: http://apps.bostonglobe.com/spotlight/the-desperate-and-the-dead/series/solutions/


I’ve been to San Antonio before. I think one of my ex-step-mothers still lives there and last I heard, my biological father had moved to New Braufels? not sure of the spelling. They both worked at the air force base there.

Hopefully, the police there are trained in mental health issues.

A few years ago, a mentally ill person around here was killed by officers who were responding to a family call for help. I’ll never forget it because we knew two of his brothers. Since then, the support group I go to sometimes has made it their cause to educate law enforcement here. And, I have to admit that many not recognize that my son is mentally ill and approach things like that with him now. I’ve been very pleasantly surprised because I’m usually not a big fan of the police.

I’d be afraid if my son was taking about a trip like that - I have a huge fear that he’ll do that one day & we’ll never find him. Hopefully, it’s just talk and he won’t go. Maybe you can tell him that writing a letter would be just as good?


I did tell him he could write and he looked shocked that he actually could…but then went right back to thinking he has to do this in person or he wont be taken seriously. I am terrified if he takes off I will never find him again…he is so much the young man that would trust anyone and get in anyone’s vehicle thinking they were just a great person trying to help. He used to live on the streets downtown San Antonio and I cried all the time…Id drive down and find him just so I could take him and feed him…I took him to Lubys I remember this time in particular and he got whatever he wanted-he was so hungry-and i looked up from my food and he had big tears rolling down his face and told me how much he loved me and how much he appreciated such a wonderful meal…it tears my heart out that I cant provide his shelter but he doesn’t sleep-he disrupts-will take our vehicles-things that you just cant live with so were doing the best we can which was put a small rv on his dads land for him but he still takes off for days to go back downtown…i know he panhandles sometimes if he doesn’t have money so I am always sympathetic when i see people panhandling cuz you never know if they may be in his shoes…anyway i keep trying to keep his mind off of Washington and pray he wont actually go and limit the money i give him so he doesn’t ever have enough for a ticket and constantely talk about the danger of hitchhiking.


Just found this site, and am finding out that our problem with our daughter is shared by many. For the past 8 years my wife and I have gone through the heartbreak, and sadness of watching our youngest daughter deteriorate from mental illness. She was really a great young lady, and had a great life ahead of her. She got married at age 25, and had a good job. To make a long story short she became a drug addict along with her husband. She has been incarcerated on and off for the past 8 years, and was diagnosed with sz several months ago. Her mental condition has deteriorated severely in the last couple of years. She does not think she is sick, and will not take her medication. She will be released from jail in March of next year. Her letters to us are delusional, and we are afraid for her. We have a long road ahead.


This forum and its members are on that road with you, I hope being here helps.


Take it a day at a time and know you are not alone. My husband used to say “I never saw this coming” and he is right. I know many walk through this alone and I am simply don’t know how. I know they would likely say because they have too. My heart aches for our families. Try hard to hold on to hope though. You will have good days and bad days.
Brain & Behavior Research Foundation
International Mental Health Research Symposium have some hopeful information.


Oh wow…I feel just like I just read my story…my son has schizoaffective disorder and bi-polar…he has about 7 diff people in his head…he paces non-stop-wears jackets all summer long and were in texas-talks to himself nonstop-cant take his own meds-says he’s not mental-i could go on and on with his symptoms but im sure you know them all as well…i have horrible migraines also-about 80% of the time…i take sumatriptan and pray to god constantely i dont run out as i can only get 9 a month of which I split in half-so i have enough for 18 doses…i used to not get as many so ive had some saved up…as my son gets older-he’s 26-he’s getting worse-he’s currently in a mental hospital here and thats the only time im at peace…he cannot live with me so he lives on his dads land in an rv and his dad is supposed to give him his meds but he doesn’t even care much so sometimes my son gets them and sometimes not…or sometimes my son takes off to the streets for a few days-hoping that itll make me let him come here and when he’s here after a few days im in horrible shape…ive even gotten to the point of fearing insanity myself…and i have a lot of phobias so now im getting a new one…if something happens to him when i could have been taking care of him I’ll never stop blaming myself and yet we cant live with him…it just seems to be a no-win situation…