Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

I have dug myself in a hole

I don’t really know where to start. I was a pretty normal child. The only thing I remember is I cried too much than normal. I got scared at times because I my mom had to deal with an angry drunk, but it happened only once in awhile. I even didn’t understand why my mother didn’t want to get a divorce. But for 5 years my dad does not drink too much to where he gets angry. Fast forward to high school. I slowly began losing interest. Many students said I was weird and would bully me by saying that I am weird because I rarely talked. I realized that I did not fit in high school and it was hard for me to make friends, and this is when my isolation began. I even did swim team for three years, but never made a friend that I could regularly hang out with. I just continued to keep to myself, and I never told anyone about how students called me weird or other things they said. I told my mom when it was too late. Fast forward to college I am still finding it hard to adjust because of my four years of keeping to myself. My second year of college in the spring I begin not feeling like myself. I feel I am not in my body I don’t know how to explain it. It could have been due to the isolation, depression, and stress. I felt disorganized, lost/confused, my OCD became very extreme, I would walk faster than normal in public places. I would cry because I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. I felt far from normal, and that is when my first intrusive thought appeared. But after some time I felt back to normal again. During this state of feeling not like myself I like to stay at home because I look scary in my opinion. ​ Fast forward to a year, and after some stress and isolation, I began not feeling like myself again. I have weird behaviors my OCD worsens, disorganized talking, anxiety increased, depressed. I wanted to commit suicide because it got worse. I was in a psychology course and we learned about the dark triad and about psychopathy. Later I started worrying that I was a psychopath. All of my movements were quick and my eyes were very dilated. I didn’t want to go anywhere but I had to finish my college semester. Even students were scared of me, and I felt scared of myself because I hated that I was this way. I heard voices in my head talking about killing. I told the voices to leave me alone. However, my mental state did not stop until I started talking Seroquel with another medication to relax. I felt like myself again but I felt much better because my anxiety had decreased, too. ​ Fast forward to this spring, and I began to not feel like myself again. I had a mental breakdown because I had been feeling sad, lonely, and stressed. During my breakdown I had suicidal thoughts, (this wasn’t my first time having suicidal thoughts). This is my third time that I don’t feel like myself, and I may be mentally ill. Currently, I am on Abilify medication but I feel no change atleast not yet. I do not want to go to my classes because students will begin getting scared of me. I do understand what is wrong with me but I feel that I am very different from everyone else. In my opinion, if I keep on getting these phases then I have no other option than to commit suicide or go to a mental institution. but if I go to a mental institution it will ruin my parent’s life. I feel like I was partially born like this, but I have no way of finding out. If I commit suicide I will break my parent’s heart. My parent’s and I lost my brother, he died from cancer last year. I cannot do that to my parents but I have no choice. I know that I have ADHD, anxiety, depression, and OCD. But I don’t know if I am a psychopath or these are just intrusive thoughts. I don’t believe I have schizophrenia and I know I don’t have bipolar disorder. I don’t want to live if I am a psychopath because those aren’t just intrusive thoughts if my mental state is off.

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Its good that you reached out here. Right now, without delay, contact your doctor, or even go to the ER and tell them what is happening, and how you are feeling.

Getting the help you need will not ruin your parent’s life.

In my opinion, getting healthy mentally is more important right now than completing the semester. Usually colleges will make some accommodations for health reasons.

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First of all I am so sorry you are experiencing difficulties managing life. I am a parent of a son who has been in psychiatric care facilities three time as a young adult so I wanted to tell you that did NOT ruin my life. In fact, it was a good thing, as I knew he was getting much needed help.

I agree that you should immediately contact someone for help, suicide will not help the situation and certainly for those who love you it will make it worse. But I am not a professional, so I cannot advise you other than to tell you to seek the support of a professional.

When a child gets help, it improves a parents life, I can tell you that first hand.

Things can get better, with professional support and guidance.

PS My son’s university was very accommodating when he needed the time off to get help.

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I so appreciate that you are on this site and reaching out. Talking through these thoughts and getting another perspective is really helpful. You need someone to confide with.
It sounds like you are under a doctors care, so I’m really thankful that you are receiving medication.
I am concerned because you feel so alone, is there a friend or cousin or neighbor you can talk to? I can only imagine what you are going through. It would really help to talk to someone even a crisis hotline. Parents are strong and resilient, we can handle more than you think, talk to your parents, wish my son had talked to us more.
Using the word psychopath is a pretty strong word, I would definitely seek immediate help.
Please gets some counseling, really feel this could be serious for you. I believe you can walk into an ER room if you need immediate help. There is no shame just alot of stigma about MI. If a doctor feels it is necessary to admit you to a hospital understand that medical people are there to help keep you safe. You may have to keep trying to find a therapists until you find a good fit, someone who can relate to you. Take care of yourself and keep posting. I am just a concerned parent and not a professional, but will respond to your posts. Take care AnnieNorCal
Edit: we all-have feelings of self doubt and emotions that run out of control at times. We all-have an inner conversation going on in our head. We all-need contact with other people, it helps keep us rational to talk things through. I was having a really bad day today, loss of sleep, miserable over my son, bad headache and allergies. Just a snowball of things happened and I fell apart. Just saying. We all-have feelings and it’s okay to feel them and express them and move forward, maybe tomorrow will be better. Shalom (Peace)

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You are not alone , you have been through and going through a tough time and you must seek help for yourself and your family who love you , i think its best for you to go to a hospital and tell them all your thoughts and I’m sure they will help you , things will get better .

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Hello Onetreehill,

I am glad you reached out and let the forum know what you are going through.

In the US, you can call 1-800-273-8255 and talk to someone if you want to. It’s a crisis hotline.

If you need to go to the hospital’s ER to stay safe, do it. Please keep yourself safe.

You can write here as much as you want to; we really want you to feel better and prioritize your health and safety.

Also, there is a forum for people diagnosed with these illnesses that can be accessed from the main page schizophrenia.com. Here is a link to the crisis resources they pinned:
https://forum.schizophrenia.com/t/crisis-intervention-resources/136546

I hope your day goes okay and that you feel better soon. Thank you for reaching out.

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I just can’t go to the ER. I need to finish my college semester. I have another appointment next Thursday to my new psychiatrist. I think I need to be more clear and direct talking to the psychiatrist and not be scared to tell them my opinion.
In an emergency case scenario my professors may give me an incomplete so that I can an extension, but I am hoping a medication will bring me back to my normal state
Thank you Vallpen!

I called a crisis line awhile ago and they said it was a free psychiatric care facility. I was surprised I don’t think it could be free. I got the phone number through my college health center.

I have been communicating with my mother. But I don’t want to cause her any more stress. I will be trying to get as much help as I can in the mean time.
Thank you nancers!

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I can talk with my mom, but I want to talk to a counselor because I don’t want to cause stress for my mom. But I am communicating with my mom, and she has been helping me get the help I need, too.
Yes that word is very serious, as I began thinking about that word last year when I learned about in my Psychology class. But I know this a psychotic episode because it is my third one.
I appreciate your time, and that you reply to all of my posts! Thank you AnnieNorCal!

Take care,
Onetreehill

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Thank you! I will take a look at the website, thanks!

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You Hi there.
You definitely have some anxiety. Can you talk to the doctor about that? The AP med you are on might be making you feel out of it. Hopefully that feeling will fade. Adding something for your anxiety could help.

Also, I want to add that you should put yourself first. IF you go to a mental hospital, I really doubt your parents will hold it against you.

If you want to go to class, do so. Unless you are standing on your desk screaming obscenities (LOL) they have no reason to fear you. Chances are, you are just feeling a little self-conscious. On the other hand, if you don’t feel comfortable taking classes now, take an incomplete.

If you are feeling suicidal, call one of those suicide hot lines.Reach out for help.

You will be ok🌹

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You’re very welcome,
You were very smart and brave to call the crisis line. I read somewhere once that it is not brave to try and do this alone, it’s brave to ask for help. I believe that is true.

I am glad you are communicating with your mother, when I don’t hear from my son that can cause me more stress.

If it helps you to know this, my son has completed his college degree at Virginia Tech, and his last 2.5 years were when he started to be symptomatic. While we didn’t realize it was SZ at first, he certainly was struggling. He was hospitalized twice during that time with psychotic episodes.

Hopefully you will find the right medication and therapy. If you take your meds and take care of yourself, there is no reason you cannot complete your semester or your degree.

I’m in your corner cheering for you!
Nancy

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Really appreciate your response. Hope you get the help you need. Please keep us informed.
AnnieNorCal

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Hi Jan
What kind of anxiety medication do you recommend? As of know the doctor only wants me to take Abilify.

I may reach out to my professors and take an incomplete. It depends on how I am feeling.

Thank you Jan!

Thank you Nancy and I hope that your son is doing better!

I take an antidepressant/ anti anxiety med, called Effexor I’m not mentally ill. But I wouldn’t begin to recommend a specific med to you. Reach out to the doctor and tell him you’d like to try something for anxiety.
Be well!

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Thank you!
Take care!

Hello Onetreehill,
Good to hear you are reaching out. My daughter says that final exams can be very stressful. I understand all the efforts you habe put towards your education and you are probably right about the college system giving you an incomplete.
Let us know how your therapy appointment goes.

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I am sure that you are not a psychopath because you care about your parents. I know for sure that psychopaths are not caring about anybody, they are not able to do it. As to you being different, people are all different. You can try different meds to control your anxiety and depression. You need a caring psychiatrist. I like the fact that you recognize your problem and want to fix it. The success is better when people are trying to get better.

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Thank you! and I appreciate your positivity thanks!

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