Removed my post due to privacy issues. Hope to add more in future
In my Opinion:
- Yes, dont walk, run
Even if was not sick, 3 of 4 in prison, come on, you can do better.
You have a huge heart and a lot of love for your partner. That is a quality he should appreciate. It is so very hard when love is one sided, or when the other person is simply incapable of a normal love relationship.
My husband was in prison 10 years before we met, I forgave him that as he paid his debt. We dated, we fell in love, we married. However, he ended up back in prison about 5 years into our marriage. He is probably mentally ill and also an alcoholic. The crimes were alcohol and driving related. Loving someone does not cure or take away their obvious problems. It does very much wear you down as the constant giver as I have found out.
I should have left him when he was in prison 3 years ago. It would have made much more sense than to take him back. I am still mostly supporting him, and he went back to drinking. Right this moment he is trying to quit drinking, but it’s been years, such very long years, of helping him, wearing me down to the point of physical illness and weariness.
I kindly suggest you end your relationship off now. You are most likely predicting your own future when you say you dread the thought of him living with you upon his release. He will most likely make your daily life hell, as you said yourself. I say this from my own experience. If he moves in with you, it will be very hard to end off in the future, and you will never be truly happy as he is incapable of really truly loving you back.
Thank you for your reply. Its interesting to read the views of people who have been in a similar situation.
He has been in and out of prison and mental health hospitals since he was about 16, He is 40 this year! He is on a section 37/41 which was issued by the courts. This means he must remain free from drugs/alcohol and comply with all medication and therapy groups. The problem with him is that he cant say no to these things! he should have been released in March but he showed positive for drugs so they kept him in hospital.
The other day someone smuggled him in a bottle of Brandy, Which he downed. Which caused his vile behaviour towards me when i visited. the staff are seemingly oblivious to all this going on which i find hard to believe.
He called me yesterday acting like nothing was wrong, He cant remember what he said apparently. And again its my fault because im upset about the hurtful things he said.
I know i should walk away, But my ex partner was very similar, And when i finally left he killed himself! so i have that guilt on my mind always.
But i am worn out from all this.
Your story got me thinking about another post and as always, certain aspects of my own situation with my partner of five years.
I’ve read another poster talking about an ill parent-in-law that is constantly accusing her of disgusting and perverse things that are obviously paranoia and/or jealousy and/or both but certainly a delusion.
Likewise, my partner held onto delusions I was doing vile things with everybody from his own brother to my own friends to co-workers and even one of my counselors. (Meanwhile I’m at work, at appointments, at my mother’s, or home making dinner or asleep in bed waiting for him to get home while he was out engaging in all varieties of extreme high risk sexual behaviors with extreme high risk people, would come home upset by his encounters, then keep going back and doing them again. That resulted in him getting cohersed into compromised positions, videoed, and there were blackmail attempts on his family, and mine, and he ended up getting posted on YouTube, all of which are felony crimes by the way, but that’s another story for another time. I’m told sexual deviance and compulsively is a symptom of the deeper illness.)
Anyways, his attacks on me, and they happened regularly, weren’t just EXTREMELY extremely insulting but very cruel, hurtful, disgusting, perverse, and vile.
And I was thinking…
This wears anybody down over time. We end up being the ones that isolate, either in an attempt to minimize their triggers for them or simply because we are loosing our own mental health. We get depressed. We are getting physically ill or watching existing conditions worsen. We are beaten. We are tired…
And all of it, were it anybody else in any ‘normal’ relationship, people would scream ABUSE!
I just want to say that in my opinion it absolutely IS abuse. Mental, emotional, psychological. We should not joke ourselves about that. It has repercussions over time on our mental and physical health. And we should allow ourselves that acknowledgement. And do what we need to be better to ourselves wether it be good therapy or meds for US and sometimes, it hurts even to say, but leave. And screw the people out there who seem to want to blame us for LETTING ourselves get abused because that’s all they see and they haven’t even the beginning of a slight clue. As I’ve said before, none of us, nobody can ever truly know what goes on behind closed doors…
Sorry, for the rant.
I’d like you to know, Jem, I’m also very, very sorry that you had to suffer the guilt of the loss of your ex. I don’t have words for and can’t imagine the personal torment that the guilt of something like that can make a person suffer. I am so so sorry.
It’s often said, and I believe it’s true, it’s important if not essential to remind ourselves that we are not responsible for and did not make our loved ones sick. Their actions and choices are never our fault. And it’s the sickness talking when they do these things, we try like hell not to take it personally.
I would say I agree with the first couple of responders. You seem like you’ve got a massive heart, and are a genuinely, sincerely good person. And you can do better.
Remember, be good to yourself, and it’s not your fault.
Thank you for your reply Wisdom.
I too am either at work, Or looking after my grandad who is not well at the minute. If im not in them places im at home. He video calls me to check there is no one in the house and even thats not enough, He still says he can see people walking by and sneaking out the door! I have tried and tried to make him see sense and think about things rationally but i have come to the realisation that its pointless and causes me even more stress. My latest approach is to just try and ignore until his mental state is stable enough to try and talk about it. Even then hes still got his stupid ideas but at least will listen to why these things are not possible.
He is obsessed with cheating and sexual encounters, This makes me believe he is probably either doing these things or looking to do these things himself, i have seen certain things on his phone that point to this. And i was told when we first got together he was visiting prostitutes but he denied it and i was swept up in the moment and the whole being in love thing. Obviously hes in hospital and only has leave when hes supervised at the minute, But when he does have unsupervised community leave he dissapears to god knows where and always comes back with no money!
Every time i feel i get the strength to walk away, Out comes the sweet, loving guy i fell for and i fall back into the same pattern. BUT this is working less and less with me and im at the point where i have lost the will with him, and he knows this. So he is trying harder and harder to be nice. Im at the point where i dont know if the nice side is him or the horrible one.
He has a CPA coming up with his care team, I am going to suggest they find him his own suitable accommodation ready for discharge.
I dont know if i can ever cut him out of my life, But i can step away and pull back and put myself first.
I feel this way about my husband as well, Jem. Yesterday I met him in a public place to talk. He started arguing and insulting me and my family member again and so I told him I wouldn’t accept him going on like that and walked away. As I did, he limped along behind me (He likes to be dramatic when he is upset and often does things like this or falls down as if he had a seizure.), yelling my name and saying more awful things. Two women in a car drove by and told me to get in so I could get away. I refused, because he yells at me like this all the time but is not violent physically.
He calmed down and we talked in a more normal tone, but I was depressed the rest of the day. I do not have any solutions for him, how he can find work or even a place to stay and he complains about and refuses any suggestions I give him. He has been homeless almost a year now and it is taking a toll on him.
You are fortunate that your husband is getting out of the hospital and they will help him find a place to stay. Perhaps once he’s out, he will improve. If he doesn’t, at least he won’t be living with you.
All these behaviors do make me wonder which man is the real man…the sweet and loving ones we fell in love with or the paranoid, angry addict we see more often?
I am having a difficult time putting myself first, but I am trying hard to do so. I urge you to keep trying as well.
Lifeishard: I cringed when you wrote that two women offered you shelter from your yelling husband. I never had that exact experience, but my paranoid sz husband has acted out in public, too. It’s really hard: the last nite is you get.
My ex , which whom now I am pregnant for is like this ! A lot of people told me to end the relationship and I did but still tried helping him and it didn’t work . He smokes marijuana all day and refuses to do anything productive and when u say something to him he feels as if I’m against him! Leave this situation hun , it will stress u so bad
I know where you’re coming from and it would make sense to tell him the relationship is over.
I have been struggling with telling him this because the conditions where we live at the moment are so bleak. I would feel very guilty if he died from lack of food or died from suicide because the situation here is so depressing (and it really is…I would not be able to be homeless here; brutal!).
It will probably take me a while to disengage from him and let fate take him where it may. I care about him and remember the good person he was when we first met.
Thank you for your concern.
I have been following your story and I also understand where you’re coming from. We both have partners who abuse drugs and put that first before family. It does stress bad!
I hope you have some support where you live and that you are able to cut this man loose and take care of the baby and the rest of your family.
I will be thinking of you. When, roughly, is your due date? Thank you for caring!
Its sad to read that other people have to put up with the things i have. He has done exactly the same on numerous occasions.
He is full of apologies at the minute, But i can tell by the tone in his voice that his little tirade against me is not over. He keeps dropping little snippets about me hacking into his facebook account still. Yawn hes really not that interesting that i would want to!
He asked me to go and visit him at the hospital today, I have refused to go inside due to the embarrassment he caused me the other day.
I have said i will meet him outside with a staff member to drop off his washing and other bits.
I get what you mean about feeling depressed the rest of the day, It gets me like that to the point where i now just feel like an empty shell!
Please feel free to talk to me whenever you like if you are having a tough time i guess we can all support each other.
Aww you’re so welcome hun ! We have to stick together ,I’m due in October .
Wonderful! My birthday is in October, too. I’ll be thinking of you when that time comes around.
Try to keep your stress levels as low as possible. Let us know what’s going on or post if you need to vent.