Impatience now that daughter is doing well

Daughter doing very well, but suddenly I’ve lost all patience with the level of attention and support she still requires. It could be because, after completely focusing all my energy on her for eight years, I thought i could focus on my own needs, passions, training, and starting up a business. I work out of my home and she lives with us. The interruptions are constant, even though i have made my boundaries clear. Her meltdowns anger me. I wasn’t like this before. Everything was about getting her better. I’m feeling jealous about this being “my time.” Shes not in crisis, but the nature of the illness requires a lot of support. But, i know from experience that i could be of more help to her. Have any of you felt this kind of thing before?


Of course I have felt that irritation, almost on a daily basis. I think it is part of the grief process at losing forever to schizophrenia the independent adult that my daughter was before she got ill. And in addition, I sometimes still get surprised at her regular criticism of me for seemingly insignificant things. My life would have been totally different now if she hadn’t gotten ill. However, I chose to help her get better and to help her stay better at my own cost. That includes having her live with me as otherwise, she wouldn’t be able to survive.


Yes, I can relate, and there is valid reason to be beyond irritated by this disease. I find myself angry – then realize it’s not so much at my son, but at the demands this disease places on caregivers, myself included. There’s no reason to deny our emotions – they are real! Perhaps focusing on some self care – refilling your cup – may help?


Try to get a caretaker to come and help both of you with this.
even once a week, or three times a week, I have given up 7 years so
far…but would need a caretaker to leave more than a few days, as the house becomes a mess, my son wont take the meds,

1 Like

Thank you, everyone. My daughter was never an independent adult. The psychosis started at 14. I guess what im seeing in myself is that all during the real crisis years, i was able to draw upon all kinds of ways to calm her or coach her through whatever was happening. Now, when the far more rare outbursts happen, or she tells me she wants to harm herself ir someone else, im angry and i suggest that she call her therapist - or once just yelled at her. During one meltdown, i had her call her psychiatrist. He walked her through a process that i knew well. It just didnt even occur to me. All these years, i didnt take care of myself. Now, i am. I feel jealous of my time and energy and focus. I want it directed to my needs and desires. She’ll probably never be able to live alone. We push her to as much independence as possible. We’ll see.


What you are feeling is important. NAMI’s Family to Family teaches us that the number one goal should be keeping everyone else’s life on track. I think of it as “containing the damage”. We have to prioritize our lives or it is an unhealthy for us mentally and physically.


I have taken the NAMI course, but keeping everyone’s life on track is impossible. My son has been ill going on eight years, and though he is only 25, I am 71 (had him very late in life) and
would love to be able enjoy my older years before they are completely gone…but how…where? I am unable to move anywhere else because my ex (with whom our son lives around the corner) and I have agreed that we will continue to work as a unit vis a vis our son for as long as we live. My ex is almost 70 and would like to retire but is fearful of not bringing in any income except SS because we both need to continue to support our son. I get terribly despondent, sometimes for weeks at a time, but any resentment is long gone. I willingly brought this child into the world and feel a very strong moral and ethical obligation regarding motherhood for as long as I am needed and alive. I know a woman (long ago a good friend, but no longer) who early on abandoned her husband and two young sons, and she just doesn’t “get” the fallout from all that. What I have learned from many tragedies in my life (not just the present one) is that one must do one’s best, and of course always hope, but also at times try to accept “what is” with grace and not rage against it to no avail.


I feel it’s completely understandable. And yes, I can relate. And, if it’s not because of being a care-giver, it can be a number of unexpected things in life, that derails our plans, our lives.

It totally makes sense to feel disappointment, sorrow, anger, etc. It’s loss, and grief is to be expected.

I think it’s important to allow yourself to feel it fully, which in my experience helps me use it as feedback information that something’s amiss. In my opinion, you’ve nailed it. You’ve neglected your own wants, needs, and passions. And that’s understandable, too. But now in particular that she’s doing very well, it’s a great time to make some changes. My advice though is to not over-correct or get out ahead of your skis, making too many or too big of changes at least to start. Rather, at first, regain some much needed balance and honor and celebrate any little thing that you change or do that gives you something for yourself. And, it’s important to be a care-giver to do that.
Heck, for me it can be as simple as taking time to listen to a favorite song, cook a favorite food, pick flowers for myself, etc. etc. Then, from a better mind-set you can make insightful choices if whether and how to act on other ideas that require more commitment and are manageable while still also care-giving.

I know right? It’s the primary goal, doesn’t mean it’s possible. And like the rage and the grief, best not to get too caught up on the roads to nowhere.