Loving the person behind the illness


I wrote my first post on here a few days ago when I really felt I couldn’t take it anymore, when I was uncontrollably crying.

Since then I have been reading a lot here and I have come across a concept ’ seperating the person from the illness ’ or something like loving the person behind the illness.

That is what I have been constantly struggling with. I love the person, I know it in my heart but the chaos of the illness drives me away, it creates so much stress in my life that I can’t function normally, makes me neglect my work and other duties. I end up going from love to deep resentment and sometimes to dislike and a feeling of ’ I want to do nothing with this person ’ I feel so tired. Am I not accepting the illness, I question myself. Or don’t I know how to set boundaries ? Why getting so upset whenever the illness shows up, again and again ?

If people here tell me how they practice this thing called 'loving the person behind the illness ’ it will help so much.


Couldn’t tell you how your unique situation looks like
But personally its to remember the reason you love that person
Break down what it means to have well being
And love in every level is difficult
I wonder what you are going through…
If it’s abuse
Or you feel very drained with that person
I would see what you are expecting from that person
Or if any of the expectations seems realistic to you.
Again Idk
I grew up with my brother being schizophrenic
And my best friend was schizophrenic
And my gf is schizophrenic
Schizophrenic is just a concept created honestly should be renamed
What is wrong in this picture you are in?


I live with this person. He is my partner. I didn’t know about schizophrenia when we met and at the time he seemed quite capable somehow. The only strange thing was his naivety but that didn’t bother me because I am a woman with strong motherly instincts. And as far as I know, he doesn’t experience hallucinations etc anymore,but he told me he had them in the past but he mentioned about them after we started living together,not before. He is not aggressive or anything, people like him. He is not a typical schizophrenic I guess. He doesn’t isolate himself,on the contrary quite social. He has a lot of relatives but they don’t want to get involved, don’t want to hear from him.

There were times he couldn’t work and I supported him financially but he works whenever he feels fine and finds a good job and he is good at his job. But…he can’t manage his money, gets into debt and sometimes gives his money away to people who he thinks are in need. He often gets used,manipulated by malevolent people. He trusts everybody.(Talking and teaching never works as you may know) That is the main problem. His impulsiveness in financial matters. We broke up once and he started living on his own but ended up being homeless, couldn’t pay his rent although he had a good paying job at the time.

We make plans but rarely follow through them because of a financial crisis he finds himself in. And it is draining,very frustrating. And I sometimes think ’ what am I doing ? How come I’ve found myself in this situation ? ’

I also have a schizophrenic in my family and I sometimes wonder if I am repeating the unhealthy pattern. You know ’ this time I’ll win ’ type of self defeating behavior.

Well, the reason isn’t important. I am with him now and I really love the person. He is a nice person, when everything is ok we have nice time together but when the illness creeps in, I feel drained. For two years, he has been exceptionally better in dealing with life and I have got my hopes up and now we are back to square one.

You have mentioned about unconditional love in my other thread,have been thinking about it.


A NAMI Family (& Friends) Support Group should be useful to you. Also take their no cost Family to Family class if offered in your area. It is hard to type post after post to explain all the things we do. We can and will continue to try, but face to face support can be very beneficial.

That being said, you can love the person but you still have to deal with the illness if you stay in the relationship.