I wrote my first post on here a few days ago when I really felt I couldn’t take it anymore, when I was uncontrollably crying.
Since then I have been reading a lot here and I have come across a concept ’ seperating the person from the illness ’ or something like loving the person behind the illness.
That is what I have been constantly struggling with. I love the person, I know it in my heart but the chaos of the illness drives me away, it creates so much stress in my life that I can’t function normally, makes me neglect my work and other duties. I end up going from love to deep resentment and sometimes to dislike and a feeling of ’ I want to do nothing with this person ’ I feel so tired. Am I not accepting the illness, I question myself. Or don’t I know how to set boundaries ? Why getting so upset whenever the illness shows up, again and again ?
If people here tell me how they practice this thing called 'loving the person behind the illness ’ it will help so much.
Couldn’t tell you how your unique situation looks like
But personally its to remember the reason you love that person
Break down what it means to have well being
And love in every level is difficult
I wonder what you are going through…
If it’s abuse
Or you feel very drained with that person
I would see what you are expecting from that person
Or if any of the expectations seems realistic to you.
Again Idk
I grew up with my brother being schizophrenic
And my best friend was schizophrenic
And my gf is schizophrenic
Schizophrenic is just a concept created honestly should be renamed
What is wrong in this picture you are in?
I live with this person. He is my partner. I didn’t know about schizophrenia when we met and at the time he seemed quite capable somehow. The only strange thing was his naivety but that didn’t bother me because I am a woman with strong motherly instincts. And as far as I know, he doesn’t experience hallucinations etc anymore,but he told me he had them in the past but he mentioned about them after we started living together,not before. He is not aggressive or anything, people like him. He is not a typical schizophrenic I guess. He doesn’t isolate himself,on the contrary quite social. He has a lot of relatives but they don’t want to get involved, don’t want to hear from him.
There were times he couldn’t work and I supported him financially but he works whenever he feels fine and finds a good job and he is good at his job. But…he can’t manage his money, gets into debt and sometimes gives his money away to people who he thinks are in need. He often gets used,manipulated by malevolent people. He trusts everybody.(Talking and teaching never works as you may know) That is the main problem. His impulsiveness in financial matters. We broke up once and he started living on his own but ended up being homeless, couldn’t pay his rent although he had a good paying job at the time.
We make plans but rarely follow through them because of a financial crisis he finds himself in. And it is draining,very frustrating. And I sometimes think ’ what am I doing ? How come I’ve found myself in this situation ? ’
I also have a schizophrenic in my family and I sometimes wonder if I am repeating the unhealthy pattern. You know ’ this time I’ll win ’ type of self defeating behavior.
Well, the reason isn’t important. I am with him now and I really love the person. He is a nice person, when everything is ok we have nice time together but when the illness creeps in, I feel drained. For two years, he has been exceptionally better in dealing with life and I have got my hopes up and now we are back to square one.
You have mentioned about unconditional love in my other thread,have been thinking about it.
A NAMI Family (& Friends) Support Group should be useful to you. Also take their no cost Family to Family class if offered in your area. It is hard to type post after post to explain all the things we do. We can and will continue to try, but face to face support can be very beneficial.
That being said, you can love the person but you still have to deal with the illness if you stay in the relationship.
Welcome. Great place for information and venting… if you need. No judgments here!
You’re post makes me come back to a small epiphany I had awhile back… a realization.
This illness and like illnesses are tough. For everybody involved. And there’s no cure. Doesn’t ever go away, just gets managed and then there are still the drastic ups and the downs… my realization was that I will never be able to “Be With” my partner, not in any traditional sense. Mind, body, soul… etc… Maybe all of those, but never all at once all at the same time.
All I can do is “Be” with my partner. Listen when I can, manage chaos when I can, be regiment officer when I can (with love of corse ;)) And take care of myself when I can, because, if you stick with it, you’ll learn this is the most important part. Keeping your own strength up.
No good to anybody else if we don’t!
Did I mention there’s no cure? Yeah… it’s a forever thing.
I might suggest trying to talk to your partner about seeing a psychiatrist if they’re willing or just a therapist first regularly. I was thinking maybe a relationship counselor as it’s a first step to an outside and professional interlude without your partner feeling like it’s a focus on them and may also help you to hash through things for yourself in a safe environment… just a thought.
its really not that hard over time, simply blow it off as perfectly normal behavior by the SZ, once you learn to understand that none off it is real, then it can’t bother you, you blend with the insanity as if it is totally normal, once you achieve this, just live your life for yourself and don’t forget to feed and water the SZ…
I maintain two large rooms in my home, my shop and my bedroom, like the cat, the SZ is not allowed, fuck the rest of the house, just keep the filth down when you feel like it. find a hobby.
Oh how I understand and feel for you. I wish I had a solution for you, but I’m currently still struggling with this one myself. My significant other and I both attend weekly counseling together and individually, and while it is helpful for us, it hasn’t resolved this issue. I have chronic health issues and he would never get frustrated or angry with me because I was unable to do something physically. I try to remember that, and that he also has a disease that impairs his functioning. Yet I sometimes get upset with him when his disease negatively impacts me…when yet another thing falls to me because his brain is disordered. Most of our life responsibilities are on me, and I think that’s part of it. I’m “on-duty” 24/7 without a break and I’m perpetually drained. I think I lash out at him in frustration, in an effort to find some sort of solution, because our current dynamic and my perpetual level of stress and overwhelm doesn’t seem sustainable long-term. I wonder if sometimes I push him away because I need a break and can’t find any way to get one. My therapist has me working on scheduling time for myself each day - a 10 minute meditation after breakfast, a 20 minute walk after lunch, etc., so that I get little micro-breathers throughout each day. I haven’t been able to incorporate them into my days quite yet, because I’m not finding enough time to get the necessary daily things done as it is, but my hope is to include those things more and more so that things can be sustainable longer term. I’m so depleted. I’ll check back if I find something that helps, but for now just doing my best to remember that:
He’s not able to control his brain impairment, anymore than a physically disabled person can control their body’s impairment.
Working to incorporate little breaks for myself (ALONE) each day.
Talking and connecting with others who understand
Setting boundaries (with love on both sides) for myself and my own needs.
Giving myself permission to leave the house when I’m feeling like I’m about to lose it, act out of anger or resentment towards my partner, etc. Sometimes just getting physical space allows me to become less activated and start a process of self-inquiry to feel into what my needs are in that moment. Identifying unmet needs, and then finding a way to get them met helps me feel more empowered, and helps me lash out at my partner less.
So much of my life and limited energy goes towards supporting my partner. We have needs too, and some may be going unmet. Identifying what they are, and finding ways to get them met can resolve a lot. For example, communication as a form of connection is something I really value, but my partner really struggles with communication. He’s just not able. I can’t get that need met with him. So I try to get together with at least one friend who also values communication and connection each week. It gives me an outlet for getting that need met, instead of resenting my partner for being unable to.
He also isn’t great with honoring boundaries, but that’s where I’m finding a therapist’s perspective helpful. She’s giving me permission and support to do what I need to for myself, to communicate my frustrations and needs to him, and to get my needs met. He’s incredibly kind and loving, he’s just not very functional. Sometimes I long for a “normal” relationship, and wonder why I’m choosing this one too…what I’m getting out of it. I don’t think I have all the answers to that yet, so in the meantime, just trying to make each day flow with a little more ease and a little less stress. I hope this week brings you more ease and less stress too.
Great that you do this for yourself. I discovered that same routine by accident a few years ago when things were totally crazy in my house. I asked a few acquaintances if they would like to go out to dinner or to a museum or something as my daughter and husband didn’t want to (or were unable to), and it built me several good friendships with other women who are still my friends to this day.
