Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

My 25 yr old daughter blames me for getting her help


#1

My daughter had her first psychotic episodic at 24 yo she is 25 now. She lost her job, apt., got arrested went homeless and finally ended up out of state in jail and then sent to a locked psych facility for a month. I went out of state got her and brought her back to CA. Fast forward to several CA hospitalizations and finally being under county conservatorship, in board and care and on meds that have helped tremendously. BUT her mental health team have shared with her my statements about her behavior prior to her current med managed state…so she blames me for lying about her behavior and said I should have not looked for her when she was homeless and She would be fine if I just stayed out of her life. Since she was a teen she has either loved or hated me ( several family members suggested she had borderline personality disorder) Any feedback if this is common with this schz disease? I know denial of disease is part of this disease but I seldom see post were those diagnosed blame family or others …thanks.


#2

When I first got sick with paranoid schizophrenia I was mad at my parent because I thought they caused it. I didn’t want to talk to them or see them. About 5 months after being diagnosed I realized it wasn’t their fault and after that our relationship improved and I realized all they wanted for me was to get better and they became my biggest supporters. And I know other people with schizophrenia have gone through this too.


#3

When I was hospitalized I thought I was the reasonable party, and everyone else was behaving badly. I think it’s that way with a lot of the mentally ill when they’re hospitalized. I got really angry. I heard this one guy talk about a situation where “you’re not on the beam, and you don’t know you’re not on the beam, because you’re not on the beam”. That describes mental illness well. Dealing with mental illness takes a huge amount of patience. I would work hard to keep your daughter on medication.


#4

Could be… only the pros can really determine that…

Mental illness is not mutually exclusive… things can overlap and they most certainly do.

Now I’m guessing her resentment is stemming from drug use… and her lack of ability to continue that lifestyle at this point?

Any case… there is a good chance she’ll come around… sorry you live in Cali… skies the limit out there.

SZ ranges from being a killer of an illness to being the perfect wake up call… it’s up to her to realize and decide what she wants to do…

Never give up supporting her… don’t over do it… but everyone needs someone… and you never know when someone will start waking up from the (even normal) delusions that had them locked into a dysfunctional life.

I quit doing drugs, quit smoking, quit drinking, still sz as fuck but I’m headed in a good direction and it’s starting to feel like I can do whatever I want career wise again.

Good luck… stay in touch… the people on here have collectively seen most everything.

If she wasn’t on drugs that’s even better… means it is probably mainly her mental illness behind the irrationality…


#5

Yes. Paranoid fear of abuse in one locked vault of “identity” vs. fear of abandonment and intolerable isolation in another. The two identities do not know each other. In many – though not all – cases, borderlinism has one foot in delusion and one in common cultural reality, while sz has both feet in delusion. Borderlinism is – in fact – what often shows up when the meds for sz make it possible to get one foot in common cultural (I didn’t say “factual”) reality… but not the other. (Hang out on this forum long enough, and that will become obvious.)


#6

sounds like she has been through a lot. maybe allow her to gain/ regain your trust by being there for her at every turn. I still recall the anger and resentment I had towards my parents in my mid 20’s. but they are always there for me, urging me to make the right decisions, morally, legally, and with safety in mind. Help your daughter, sir.


#7

This also sounds like my son.
Your daughter is very young-may need to grow up a little, but give her some room…
I am learning some hard lessons about letting my son make his own decisions. I`m afraid that I have been through so much trauma with him that I jump at anything he says or does.
Be patient and try not to take it personally.
Best of luck!


#8

It is super common for us to lash out at the person who points out that we aren’t being rational. From our point of view, in the middle of a delusion, we are the rational ones and the rest of the world has gone insane…or they’re trying to pull us into a false sense of security so they can strike. It really gets the fight or flight response in gear.

Also, speaking as someone who was homeless myself, there is a kind of freedom to life there that you just can’t get locked in a hospital. It may be dangerous, but at least she could make all her own decisions and do whatever she wanted when she wanted. It is normal for someone to grieve over their old lifestyle, especially if they had it forcibly taken away from them.

I think that, in time, she will start to appreciate the life she now has. Some things that can help her with that are making friends, going to school/work, and doing things that have value. When I was really sick, I hated my life because I didn’t have any of the normal good things people need to be happy. Just because she is safer and more stable does not mean she is automatically happier. That takes time and effort.


#9

My son has always been like this too. He always tells me things are my fault. Sometimes I think he just needs to get the anger off his chest. Hopefully someday he will confront why he is angry and it will begin to be resolved. He’s not there yet.
My son was also homeless for a long time. He came to live with us when he was first diagnosed, but every few weeks would say that he missed living like he had been before. He kept telling me he was going to go back to the streets next week. We are a little over a year later and he hasn’t mentioned it for a very long while. As a matter of fact he is now talking about finding what kind of assistance he can get to rent his own place.
It can take some time for things to even out. (I feel I have been watching my son evolve.) Have lots of patience, show lots of love and support, and give her consistency.


#10

If you didn’t get her help, wouldn’t she blame you too? It seems to me to be a no win situation. Perhaps once she’s finally stabilized and is well again she’ll realize that you were right and thank you.

It’s very common for sz’s to get angry at the people that get the put away but hopefully she’ll grow up and realize you were just trying to help.


#11

Which may be partially correct AT TIMES. But too often, it’s not.


#12

Oh yes. My husband had his first psychotic episode over four years ago at age 43. He was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. He still believes there’s nothing wrong with him. He’s been hospitalized 5 times. Blames me for locking him up and his illness has gotten worse. It’s damaged not only his life but mine and our daughter’s. Everyone has begged him to stay on meds but he never did. So yes, I’m blamed totally for trying to get him help.


#13

Thanks for your feedback. She is on a lot medication-Invega injection, zyprexia, lithium…but says she doesn’t have the side effects she hears others talking about. She seems more at peace then when she was a teen taking lots of drugs and getting in trouble. She has only been stabilized on meds since March. I am hoping she comes around and continue to reach out to her in letters, phone calls, and visits if she accepts them. She is 2 hours away in a B/C. My parents are 30 mins from her and have her stay with them on weekends. She is loved and she knows that, and like my dad said maybe she will never come around but I have to get on with my life nevertheless.


#14

Thanks, what you said makes since. This is all so complicated.