My boyfriend and I have known each other for almost a decade. When things are good, they are really good. I fell in love with him about six months ago and it has been a roller coaster ride. He is the most delusional person I have ever encountered. He convinces himself that I am sleeping with someone else when there is absolutely no reality to that. I am absolutely willing to confront/address every single issue he has BUT I have realized the hard way that when he is having an episode… He is not looking towards resolve. He digs and he digs and then he explodes and sometimes break things around the house. He hears things that I do not say and he sees things on occasion. He OBSESSES over some particular issues and I don’t know what to do anymore. I love him with all of my heart. He is my best friend and the most intelligent man I’ve ever met. He has to get help somehow but doesn’t think he needs it. He thinks I am manipulating him or trying to get him to “bow down” to me. Some of the things he comes up with throw me so far off guard that I can’t even compose a proper response. I do not want to let him go but I am afraid that I will always have to walk on eggshells. I am lost and I really need support.
Welcome.
Is he dangerous to you or himself you can have him taken to hospital for evaluation. Also you have to make time for your own recovery. Do things you like, relaxing, just be by yourself without him. Does he have relatives close by that can help you out?
In the beginning, I took everything he said during a fight personally. It took quite some time before I learned not to take the things he says to heart while in the midst of an episode. Things didn’t break then like they do now. I’ve learned that the only thing to calm him down is time. However, in the midst of these episodes, he digs and digs and digs and refuses to let up. I tell him that we should give each other space and for him to leave me alone for a while so we can calm down and that drives him insane. He refuses to leave me alone and even broke my bedroom door down getting to me. There are numerous holes in the wall and he has even taken things from my home and lost them. I thought taking time to relax or think alone would be right for us but he says that when we aren’t talking, he stews in it. It boils inside of him and he can’t “internalize” it. I don’t want him to internalize these things, I want him to be able to come to me with his fears and concerns… But in a rational manner. He says he will just stop talking about things that bother him because every time he does it turns into a fight. The reason it always turns into a fight is because he doesn’t address the matter in hopes of peace or resolve. He states his assumption and then vocally convinces himself as to why that HAS to be the case. And when I interject, he doesn’t listen. The conversation builds and builds and builds and ventures into completely unrelated problems and then when I have had enough and I tell him we need to take a second to think about this, he goes ballistic. When he has these episodes, he is a conpletely different person and sees me as some manipulative whore. Once he “resets,” he doesn’t remember most of what happened! And as for his family, they are “supportive” in that enabling kind of way. His brother and dad have had to drag him out of my house before so they are good for that I guess. But his family is comprised of meth heads. Trevor, too, used to do meth. He stopped otherwise this entire issue would not be mine. But if he goes over there, he will use. I feel like I’m the only person that 1) holds him accountable and 2) sticks by his side no matter what.
Not remembering what he did is something that I do as well- I get episodes and forget fractions of what even happened. Before I got on meds, the whole year and a half is a blur with some vivid memories.
I would say to ask me if you have specific questions- I am pretty knowledgeable about the illness, I’m a psychology student (and one of the very best at my school if I might be inclined to say). I’m doing research on stigma interventions for different mental illnesses, so I do understand the social aspects of schizophrenia quite well- it’s what I do and also my life, ironically.
He doesn’t sound dangerous, which is a big plus.
Man oh man that is comforting to hear. What I have most trouble with is interactions with him during an episode. When he has irrational fears, ones that I have addressed and redressed countless times and I don’t know what more to say… What can I do? It’s like I’m on trial and for things that I couldn’t even imagine… So it’s extremyhard hard to comfort him.
Sorry to hear about your troubles.
Here’s my .02
I have an adult daughter who has been suffering from schizophrenia for over 10 years. She also self medicates with meth. We are trying to keep her off meth but that is another story.
Your boyfriend seems to only have issues (at least what you have articulated) with your relationship & trust. To me he does not sound like he has sz but w/out a formal diagnosis then it’s a guess. He does sound very OCD or OCPD. You say you love him, the question is does he love you?
Have you offered counseling? Would he be willing to go?
Domestic violence is nothing to gamble with. He sounds violent & if meth is in the mix the effects can mirror sz symptoms.
I’d go so far as to give him an ultimatum on counseling & getting help. Anger management class etc. If he blows up at that suggestion and tries to deflect back on you…restraining order.
I say this with all compassion and caring.
Hope for the best.
Rob
Thank you for that, sincerely. He was diagnosed when he was young and has been on and off medications since. He is off, now. The trust and relationship stuff is a huge part of his outward expression. He hears me saying things I haven’t said and sees things that are’t there. He focuses on that stuff… It sucks. It’s just the way it manifests in his life. He doesn’t really see anyone else except for at work.
If you decide you are in it for the long run & he is truly Schizoaffective then I apalud your dedication to him. I am pretty much the only support for my daughter, other than caseworkers at this point. If that is his diagnosis (sz) then he really needs to be on proper meds. ANY meth use will increase his dopamine levels off the charts and set him back.
I hope you can find a path of stability.
Best,
Rob
So really-he has a dual diagnosis. He needs help with both. Im afraid he wont do it on his own. If you are living with him, maybe its best if you stay somewhere else until he gets some help...that MAY help, but drugs have a strong pull. I dont really know what to say. I am deciding as we speak if I should call the CIT officers and do a check on my son.
This is a very hard illness to deal with. It forces you do do what is counterintuitive at times. I wish you luck!!!
You sound just like me. So sorry for heartache. Save yourself let go I know of which I speak don’t end up like me in so much pain you cant deal anymore.
I sincerely appreciate all of your input. Sometimes I feel as though I am being a reckless fool with my heart/life. But letting go isn’t that easy. I have my own conditions, not the same as his but of similar severity. If I hadn’t gotten so many chances and had the support I had… I wouldn’t be here right now. His fate is up to him and I get that. The same goes for myself and my fate. I simply can’t let go, or won’t. However, if he does not see a psychiatrist once his insurance is back on, then I know we haven’t reached a level of mutuality conducive to a life long partnership. I am willing to endure just about anything… So long as it is in the general direction of the good. If he is actively working on himself, if he sees a doctor and they develop a plan… I will ensure through his condition and inevitable episodes. Right now, with the addiction simmering down and things changing, I know we are in a transition period. He just got a really good job at the hospital similar to his last job. He will be busy and when not at work, he will be on call in case of emergency surgeries. It’s a win win because the job, too, will hold him accountable. It’s not possible to survive in that job while using. So if his job is going well and for a long period of time, then I can assume he isn’t actively using. I am not naive to addiction, I know about the manipulation and ongoing struggle. But I think his “step 1” to working towards the good has been successful through this job. I’m hoping for the best and will keep on trucking. I know what could happen, I accept the possible repercussions. But I would rather take that risk then live my life without my best friend, and with my best friend living without this support.
I find the best thing to do with my son is to walk away from him when he starts… You can’t argue with his delusional thinking when he is being delusional. Putting yourself through the stress of trying to will just fuel the situation. Walk away… It can be hard to not respond or try to defend yourself. It’s not you or anything that you are doing that is causing him to feel like this. He is feeling what he does so strongly that for him he logically finds a reason… you cheating etc.
I can’t say it’s perfect with my son however it’s better when I don’t engage or at least try not to.
BarbieBF, that’s exactly what I have been doing/trying to do. That’s one of my big issues here. Walking away is easy for me to do, but he won’t let me. THATS why the cops have been called a few times. He won’t leave me alone. Breaks doors down to get to me. Walking away isn’t an option. Driving away isz