Scared and confused about my boyfriend

Family
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Hi, I’m feeling very alone and lost and just need to tell my story.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost two years. We had a great relationship. He was supposed to move in soon, and he told me I’m the first woman he’s ever seen a future with.

About 3 weeks ago, things started getting weird. He got overly stressed about work and stopped sleeping and would get maybe 2-3 hours. He’s always hated medication but I convinced him to go to urgent care, who gave him a sleep aid. That helped somewhat, he started sleeping 5-6 hours.

Even so, it got worse. He’d zone out so much that he wouldn’t hear me if I spoke. This was happening all day long. He told me he was having flashbacks of things that happened to him in the past. He was very snippy with me, but would also tell me he was scared of losing me because of his behavior. He was unable to drive, or go to work. I started driving him everywhere. We stopped having sex because he told me he felt like he wasn’t himself and that wasn’t fair to me. He was far less affectionate. He stopped wanting to be at his own place, and started staying at his dad’s.

I spoke with his family who acted like this was totally normal. They said it’s happened several times and he just needs to “sleep more”. This seemed like an under reaction but I felt they knew him best, so I went along with it.

Things got worse. One night he talked for about three hours straight about all these conspiracies against him. His coworkers. His family. His friends. People from all the way back to high school. Somehow all these random memories were interconnected in his mind, and the police or FBI or something were “building a case” against him. He told me that other than his dad, I was the only person he could trust and he wanted me to know everything so I could “testify on his behalf”. To be clear, nothing he told me about was a crime. He also insinuated he may have been sexually abused but kept changing the story around. I was baffled.

I told his dad that I was deeply concerned and got the same response: he needs to sleep more. He also told me he’s been worse in the past. At this point, I was also sleep deprived from waking up with him all night to listen to his fears or hold him while he cried.

Things between us went severely downhill after he did an extremely hurtful thing to me and we argued about it. We made up, but he stopped wanting to see me after that. He would say he wanted one thing from me one moment, and change his mind an hour later. Nothing I did was right, and any feelings or emotions I had were met with irritation. I started feeling like I was losing him.

Everything finally exploded. On Friday night, he made plans with me for Saturday. On Saturday afternoon I tried to ask what time we were meeting, and he told me that I said I didn’t want to go. He’d been avoiding me for days, and my feelings were severely hurt. He was incredibly cold about it. He said he could “tell” I didn’t want to go. He said I was “pestering” him, but told me in the same conversation I was being distant. It made no sense. He said he felt unsupported by me. I was crushed.

I offered to take a break for a few days and he refused. He said it “never works” (we’d never tried) and he “knew I didn’t want it”. He insisted we’d talk normally. His dad heard the argument. Despite saying we’d continue to talk, he stopped texting me.

I sent his dad some screenshots of our conversations showing that I was, in fact, being supportive and that the things my bf were saying were untrue. I pleaded with him to try to get through to his son because I couldn’t. No reply. I had my bf’s location and I saw he went to his friends house that night as planned, but without me. Eventually his location stood updating.

I texted his dad to make sure he was safe, and was told my bf was asleep with his phone off. He NEVER turns his phone off, because he needs sleep sounds. Something felt off.

I didn’t hear from him at all the next morning but could see his location at his dad’s. Then his location disappeared. Soon after, his dad arrived to drop off some of my medication from my bfs house. He left the bag at the door but gave me no other explanation. I assumed I was being dumped, but there was a lot more of my items at my bfs house so I didn’t understand.

I finally got my bf to reply but it was a very odd, cold, and formal text. He said he needed time and space for his mental health. It sounded nothing like him. I responded very positively but barely got a response back. His location is still off. He gave no indication as to how long this “break” is. I’ve texted his dad once, since, to check on my bf and got the standard “he needs to sleep more”.

Someone mentioned schizophrenia to me and everything fits so well, but I’m devastated. I feel so horrible that he’s been through this before and never gotten help. I don’t know if he’s getting help now. I feel immense guilt for not realizing sooner and handling things better. However, I also can’t diagnose him so I don’t know what I’m grieving. He’s clearly having an episode of some kind, but I don’t know how much of my boyfriend is actually calling the shots right now.

This has taken a huge toll on me. I’m not sleeping well and I’ve lost considerable weight over the last week. I can’t stop crying and my work performance is suffering. All I do is think about him and the situation 24/7 and I’m exhausted.

If you’ve actually read this far, thank you. I love this man with my whole heart. He’s my best friend and someone who I thought was going to be my life partner. And now I don’t know if he’s ever coming back. I don’t know what to do if he doesn’t come back. I also don’t know what to do if he does.

I have a brain tumor, a spinal cord injury, and anxiety/PTSD. Regardless, I poured my heart into him while he was suffering and was abandoned for it. Still, I feel selfish because this may not be his fault. But I may never know the truth and it’s eating me alive.

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Hello, sorry to hear about your situation. Speaking as a caregiver for a loving wife and best friend of 34-years who developed psychosis over two years ago, I can tell you that the toll on caregivers is extraordinarily painful and difficult. I have two loving adult children who provide as much support as they can from a distance. Thoughts (not advice) that cross my mind as I read your story are:

  1. His family seems dismissive of the seriousness of their son’s mental health. Alarming! is an understatement. He needs all-hands-on-deck. You need all-hands-on-deck.
  2. He is reluctant to take meds (as is my loving wife). Drugs are not a cure but without even a willingness to try, you and he are in for a very very long journey (possibly for his lifetime).
  3. I spent 32 beautiful years with my wife before psychosis stole her from me. But 32 years is worth something and I will be by her side for as long as I am alive. But know that every day is sad; every day is painful as I watch her struggle.
  4. You have a whole life ahead of you. If his entire family were acknowledging his condition; were rallying support and love FOR BOTH OF YOU; and, were willing to do some very heavy lifting to get him under proper care, then this may be a set of conditions that may make your forward journey bearable.
  5. Since the above conditions do not seem to be there, then there is a clear fork in the road that only you (in consultation with your immediate support network) must take.

Wishing you strength and hoping you have loving support on your side of the family to help think through this.

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Diagnosed and a possibly more nuanced perspective here.

I’ve been in a similar state as your boyfriend, and while I wasn’t in a relationship at that time, I understand the dynamic through my relationships with family and friends as psychosis develops, deepens and hopefully passes.

His parents aren’t wrong: he does need sleep, he does need to take a break from things and focus on his mental health. It appears he’s had episodes like this before and come out on the other side, employed and socially engaged which is better than many caregivers could hope for. For the one time I was hospitalized and acutely mentally ill, there were several smaller episodes that required pulling back and taking a break from work, school, family and friends and relationships. His parents have likely seen these come and go; you haven’t. It’s entirely natural that they are less alarmed than you, since you have with little or no experience with such matters and his history of navigating through them. They do.

You mention he doesn’t like taking medication. I’m unsure whether this is in general, or only psychotropic medication. Either way it isn’t uncommon for him to have such attitudes toward medical intervention for psychosis. It’s a common “feature” of schizophrenia and bipolar disorders and to a lesser extent schizoaffective disorders. You may want to search this forum for anasognosia and LEAP for further explanation.

From what you’re describing, it sounds likely he has some form of psychotic disorder that’s episodic, so bipolar and schizoaffective disorders or a milder form of schizophrenia seem more likely possibilities to me. PTSD is a possibility, but to me seems less likely. Imagined histories of physical, sexual and mental abuse and other similar delusional and prosecutorial frameworks are not uncommon in psychotic disorders. And likely more common than actual abuse. I know, because I’ve experienced them. This isn’t to say these things don’t happen, but an imaginary heroic struggle and triumph over such adversities is far more emotionally and ego gratifying to the psyche than a mental disorder that requires you to take drugs you’d rather not take with side-effects you’d rather not have.

As someone with a diagnosis and recovery that predates ubiquitous cellphone use and location tracking, I would strongly dissuade you from revealing that you’ve been tracking his whereabouts should you resume contact. Were I in his state, I might swear off all contact with you for life out of paranoiac distrust and feelings of betrayal of my privacy. It’s possible to recover from such mistakes with sufficient apologies, but better to avoid the subject if you can. It’s also common from my understanding that cellphones are not allowed on psych wards, jails and prisons for privacy reasons.

It’s entirely possible he’s presently hospitalized or under psychiatric care and his parents and/or he are withholding this information due to stigma which is alive and well for many serious psychiatric disorders. I know I don’t generally disclose my diagnosis or mental health history, and it’s not uncommon to minimize or actively hide previous diagnosis either because anasognosia doesn’t permit the diagnosed to accept a diagnosis, or out of fear of losing a relationship.

It may seem trite to say at this juncture, “if you love someone, set them free” or “if you love yourself, let them go”, but I fear this is your best option. Caregiving is hard, thankless work that I’m unsure you’re in the position to provide at the moment— caregivers are typically close blood relations. Even if his illness isn’t his fault, it isn’t yours either. And while caregivers can aid and assist recovery, it isn’t their responsibility. The responsibility for recovery lies solely in the diagnosed. And sadly, many aren’t up to the task and caregivers are left in limbo waiting for that day when they might be.

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This makes so much sense. We all select and nurture narratives about our lives. Even among those without serious MI, these may be close to or quite far from reality. Accepting and working with those narratives (delusions) is one reason LEAP can be so successful.

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Thank you so much for your thoughtful response

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Thank you so much for your perspective. To be clear, I wasn’t tracking him without his consent or anything like that. Sharing locations was actually his idea, for safety reasons, a long time ago. But I understand what you’re saying and should we ever have a chance to discuss this, I won’t mention it