Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

My toxic husband


#1

Yes I had sz at 18 but I eventually graduated from college and got a good government job and bought a townhouse too and was happily independent. With no stress my symptoms went away. So I eventually decided to get married.

I was doing great until our son was born. We had baby sitters to go to movies when john was 2 years old.
My husband picked up the baby sitter one day and said he was going to pick up our son at daycare while I was at work. He took her shopping and to local walking path by a lake and hugged her. Then he paid her $10 and told her not to tell any one. She must have been totally creeped out and told her parents that called the police.

Eventually I paid $10,000 for a lawyer. I thought it would be a long trial or something. He eventually pled guilty to a 4th degree sex offence. It was in the paper and I think someone read the small article and he lost his job of 15 years.
I had a relapse with all of this even though I had been med free and fine for 10 years.

I eventually became the bread winner and even paid for the house with no help from my husband that decided to mow lawns and try to be a landscaper. He badgered me to buy him a trailer that he said he would pay off but he never does and just racks up credit card bills.

These bills gave me another relapse. I paid them off and said to stop it but he just used a po box. Then he was looking at online women and even when to Ukraine to meet one. Even his family said he was wrong.
I forgave him to try to keep our family together.
Then in November he paid for a woman to fly near our home and he picked her up and took her to dinner. I found the receipts after telling him to clean up all the mail piled up on the table.
I forgive him again but my pdoc says that men like this just continue their behavior.


#2

really sounds like you need to get a new husband !! You know better than anyone what you’ve been through. He’s bumming off you and he’s got a sex addiction sounds like.


#3

Well he had a hip operation a year ago. I think from working so hard landscaping that does not pay for anything buy his ‘expenses’. Luckily I have good health insurance and pay ALL the bills.
He moved from sleeping in our bed and now sleeps in a lazy boy in the living room.

I’m visiting my doc this week and need to talk about all this so maybe I’m practicing.


#4

You guys sound like you’ve been married a long time. I hope everything works out for you. Personally I couldn’t live with the bad memories.


#5

I don’t understand…since your husband is toxic as you believe and as I believe, and since you were happy when you were independent, tell me one reason why you stay with him…he’s killing your pride…he doesn’t really care about you and your feelings. What else do you want to see to get away from him?


#6

Well my parents stayed together for us kids and I’m glad they did.
Maybe I’m just trying to forgive like my Mom did.
People I know that divorced just get screwed by lawyers. And I just can’t take that trauma.
Thanks for listening @redrose and @jukebox


#7

I just can’t accept the fact that men are so unfaithful, always knew that but never accepted. I 'm really sorry for what you are going through, but I think your marriage is not real without trust. Perhaps your parents passed to you a wrong message, that you must pretend to be happy when you are not, and that you have to fight for nothing. I bet if your parents weren’t well together, it would be much better for you and your siblings to see them apart. Because the right message for the kids, is, for the parents to be happy even as individuals and divorced even in a marriage, but never unhappy. Sorry that I seem so hard, but it’s reality (people) that are so hard, I hope my words will come to you as a therapy. Therapy is also hard in the start.


#8

Well, if he’s going after internet brides, who will eventually want a marriage certificate so they can stay, and he’s sleeping separately from you, I suggest you go see a divorce lawyer now. You can do better than this.


#9

[quote=“katwomansz, post:6, topic:20252, full:true”] People I know that divorced just get screwed by lawyers. And I just can’t take that trauma.
[/quote]

At least if there was trauma from the lawyer/divorce, it would end in time…
the trauma your husband is putting you through, will last as long as your legally married, and doesn’t seem to be improving.

Children shouldn’t have to bear the burden of guilt for their parents sacrifices, I think you child would love for you to be happy and enjoy life (who wouldn’t really?) and a happy parents usually have happier kids.


#10

You deserve better. Maybe you should start looking for another man, but be careful, if you file for a divorce he might use that against you.


#11

Sounds like your psychiatrist has insight into the fellow.

I’m so sorry you have all this pain!

Jayster


#12

If you file for divorce first, you get to keep the house.

You could buy him a junky little camper so he can live elsewhere. Claim to attorney he owns trailer & you own the house…Some states try to separate out ‘ownership’ of house equally for each spouse based upon income, even if house is paid off.

Divorce will keep the credit cards in his own name. After you file divorce, go Equifax, Experian and Transunion website. Search on term ‘credit freeze’ at each company. You can pay a small amount of money on a credit car to each company, and no one else will be able to get a credit card or loan in your name again. You will need to hang onto a long PIN number for each company and pay a small fee to each company when you do want to try to get a new job, loan or credit card later…BUT it will keep him from using your credit again…This runs $5 in my state for each company.


#13

I wonder what he’s done nefariously that you’ve never found out about? But yeah, my parents stayed together for us kids.


#14

I separated finances from him long ago. He opens credit cards in his own name at a PO box.
Since he has paid so much interest he still gets tons of card offers and just opens new ones.

He just has so much negativity, that’s why I got an apartment for our son who he always tries to cut down. I just don’t know what he wants to be happy.

My doctor got me fired up last time and I called his mother, thinking she could talk sense into him. He has an excuse for everything.
We’ve been married 24 years so I think I would owe him alimony, happened to a woman at work. And I don’t want to sell the house, its big enough we can stay on separate floors.
Guess I’m just complaining since I can’t mention it to my parents who don’t like him. He’s just like a fool. But we have so much history together.


#15

Right off, I do not want to tell you what you want to hear. I had one supervisor tell another supervisor in front of me, “Don’t mind ------, she’s just honest.”

I don’t get it. Are you talking yourself into accepting an idea that houses automatically make homes?

You have a strong Christian attitude. I respect you for demonstrating patience and unconditional support.

I hope your husband can be influenced by those in your circle about how he can turn his life around.


#16

@nykia that’s exactly it I think. I want to help him get into heaven. God only forgives if you ask him and he thinks he did nothing wrong. He does have fantasies and I do think he didn’t have sex with those woman who are younger than him and who would want an overweight 60 yo?!


#17

@katwomansz…is this man a good father?
Please keep your finances totally separate. He is causing relapses for you? Thats a good indication that this man needs to stay away from you. How old are your children? You would be the one getting child support if they are living with you. You have been married a long time and I dont want to tell you what to do…your life is very important-do what is best for you…which will be the best for everyone concerned… *


#18

TheIf I’m you’re doctor I will prescribe a new husband.


#19

A normal healthy individual is full of joy and compassion. Not always easy with perpetrators. When you are done you will pick yourself up and move on. A class for codependent would help you. I believe AA has classes that would help. Usually in these cases aggression and addiction are pretty common. It’s easy to fall victim of manipulators and criminal minds. Try group classes. Movies such as Sleeping With The Enemy" The Burning Bed" are battered women who fought back. You have to get outside sources to help you like self defense classes, books and classes on self confidence, building your self esteem. You should act on it right away because you have a child to protect and his mother


#20

Our child is now 21 and survived. I disagreed with some thing with my husband about raising him but that is all old stuff now.

There is less tension now that we aren’t all together all the time but can still celebrate events together and have a good time without the acrimony of the past.

So now there is really less impetus to break up. But thanks to all for letting me vent. I was ill at times and not all there so it really takes a tag team to parent.