I love my husband unconditionally but this past six months or more I just know is getting worse and I don’t know what to do. The stress is wearing me down mentally and there’s a noticeable correlation with the increase in my seizures.
His delusions are becoming more frequent. He us consistently telling me we’ve done things before. They’ve happened exactly the same way as before (terrible concert experience this month), and they’ve happened before to see if he learned his lesson (buying our new car this week).
His paranoia seems consistent and heartbreaking to know he’s feeling such things. He feels family gatherings are only to laugh at him. I am poisoning him and cheating on him but both work at home and eat the same food. Work is constantly against him. He thinks our family friend is responsible for the loss of his baby. The list goes on.
He’s on medication, despite being against it. He has an appointment in two months to see about adjustments in medication. He will not agree to being admitted!
I hear him express his frustration and anger of getting faux calls to mess with his numbers during the day. He cries to me at night asking me what he did wrong to deserve this. I am so overwhelmed. I just don’t know what I can do for him.
Welcome to this forum @Icare . I am sorry your husband’s illness is wearing on you, I totally understand as I was there before correct meds stopped almost all of my daughter’s symptoms 3 years ago.
This is a devastating illness, and no one deserves it.
Perhaps his appt for meds adjustment can be moved up?
I suggest you come here often to get comfort from others who KNOW what you are going through. Out in the “regular” world, no one really understands and sometimes their suggestions are harmful. You can get ideas here that maybe you can use if you read.
By the way, almost no one with this illness agrees to being committed. It is usually forced by loved ones.
Take care of yourself as best you can while you attempt to care for your husband.
I guess I included that he doesn’t want to be admitted because that’s all I hear when I try to get support from family. I know they care. I know they want the best for us. I just know he doesn’t want that and to be honest I am scared of that too.
I also know I can not fill them in on the intensity of what is going on. Therefore, it has got me feeling so hurt and alone.
We’ve been together for over a decade. The last four years or so years I’d say he’s been noticeably suffering and I am clueless on proper ways to support him.
I try my best to be supportive. I told him I don’t want him to go to mothers day if it is going to stress him out. I listen and fight the urge to scratch my face and cougharound him because I know they are tiggers.
This is altering our entire life together. I am scared to put on movies and music because I am afraid it will trigger something. I get stressed at gatherings worried about what others will say. I’m worried about the world triggering him!
I wrote this first part this morning to come from my mother’s to- probably as much stuff as he could fit in our new vehicle gone. His computer, clothes, TV, etc. I don’t know why. I just know it was getting bad and I feel I have failed at keeping him safe.
This is the first time I have not known where he was. He will not answer me. He never even said he was leaving. He is just gone!
I appreciate your response @oldladyblue , your kind words hug my soul. I am happy to hear that your daughter has found the meds right for her, it gives hope to hear that it is possible.
We end up getting his meds adjusted and hopefully things will keep getting brighter! Today he randomly asked me if i noticed a difference since the change of medicine and shared he notices a difference. I would like to think that’s a good thing.
I am using your suggestion and coming here frequently! I realize i really need the support. Thank you again for your time and support!
Glad he is taking his meds. This will make things much better, although we all know its takes time to find the right mix and doses. Encourage him, noting his improvement. Listen when he talks about side effects and emphatize. Find some activities to do together. And please do not feel guilty. It is not your fault and you are doing the best you can.
Oh @Icare , I am happy that your husband’s meds were adjusted and I think that it is a good thing that he asked if you noticed a difference in him being on his new meds. That is quite something in my opinion! Every little bit of insight helps! Hugs back to you, and I am glad you are coming back to this site. You will find ways to support him among the posts. It helped me soooooo much to find this site when I was so very down in the dumps.
We definitely need more activities to do together! We both use to paint together and make connecting paintings. We use to kayak together too. I need to get those canvases, brushes, and paints outs! Hopefully with the weather getting nice I can encourage more kayaking too. Both of these activities are crowd free too, so they wouldn’t be stressful versus the karaoke we use to really enjoy.
(I type stuff at night as I’m going to bed and fall asleep and never send.) Since your message he actually went kayaking with two friends! I had to work. He told me of some paranoias during the trip but I asked him if overall he enjoyed his trip, and he said he did. He also randomly asked if we could paint in the dark one night, so we did that together. One of his paintings were of ghosts in our backyard,but we did paint for several hours. Today, just the two of us will be kayaking.
I’m going to continue to brainstorm activities for us. I want to get bikes since he’s shown interest in riding bikes in the mornings.
Question for you… what do you do to not feel guilty? I noticed after he attempted and unexpectedly left for the night the past month i notced he wrote “BLAME” on the hood of my dusty car that I haven’t driven in a few years because of my seizures. It’s kind of hard not to feel guilty.
Guilt is one stage of mourning. We, with loved ones with a serious mental illness, mourn our loved ones, always thinking about the person that could had been and is not. Look at the person, not the illness. In an objective way, think this is a brain illness, unlikely to be your fault. But in a more personal way, you have supported him and being there for him. No guilt. He will blame you for all kind of stuff. My son did it to me. But do not fall to that minipulation. Remind him, you are doing the best you can.
I just recently got the opportunity to stress how his diagnosis is no different then mine. I said that we both have misfiring of neurotransmitters in our brains, and it is not our fault! I mentioned to him several times how, “It is not your fault.”
Before I mentioned that, he asked me why I don’t just leave him and wipe my hands clean of him and his family. I responsed asking if he ever wanted to leave me because of my epilepsy and he quickly replied no, allowing me to say exactly!
I understand it is not my fault, but I am pretty good at being hard on myself. You’re right though I need to keep reminding both him and probably myself, I am doing the best I can.