So, My Husband Says He's Divorcing Me!


#1

This time around my husband has been gone for almost a week after being home only a couple of days from the previous time he took our car and left the state, quite literally. He’s brought a cell phone, which is strange b/c he despises technology due to his paranoia that the government is constantly monitoring his every move. He called me from said cell phone seemingly okay, later in the day my father in law calls me (he’s been crashing at his place since he disappeared) and explains his worry and concern. Hours later I get a text from my husband saying he doesn’t want to be married any longer b/c he thinks we’ve had a physical altercation and I’ve beat him up and harmed him. This has not happened to say the least if not for any other reason due to the fact that I cannot get him to be still and stay home long enough for us to have any communication. However, he’s convinced I beat him up… I’m 4ft10in tall and he’s pushing 6ft and used to be a professional boxer and practiced mixed martial arts. I’m non-violent and don’t condone it, but there’s no way I’d even think of it given his stature and strength anyhow. But his delusions have told him that I’ve harmed him physically and so he says he filing for a divorce due to domestic violence.I’m SUPER CONFUSED and I know I shouldn’t take what he says and does during an episode to heart but I admit I’m a bit hurt. I don’t know how much longer he’ll be like this, I’ve tried to talk him into going to check into the Veterans hospital for a little while until he gets better and he won’t come back and do it. I don’t want to involuntarily commit him, I’m afraid it’ll make his issues with trusting others worse. What else am I to do though? He won’t come home, he won’t get help, and he’s making decisions that he’s not stable enough to make even though he cannot see this as facts. I’m very frustrated and I needed a good vent. No one around me understands, my family is saying to just divorce him and leave him to fend for himself. I love him and don’t want to give up on him but he’s making it hard for me to function when I’m worrying about him all day long. I have kids to look after and cannot afford to loose it myself and he’s even made that harder b/c he took my only means for transportation and left the state. I honestly feel like I’m starting to break down a bit, not even my antidepressants and mood stabilzers are easing the stress, anxiety and sheer panic that I’m feeling all day long. Okay, I’m done with my rant. I’m glad I found this site to allow me to get this all out to others who may understand.


#2

I do understand that frequently I want to help someone, for example with how to use a new computer, and the chief obstacle to helping the other person is the person himself.

Frequently, around some problem that someone else is having I feel I have very good help to offer, and it is rejected. I have to ask myself if maybe I don’t do the same thing too often.

Jayster


#3

I am so sorry you are going through hardship now, selfsweets. When I was in an episode, I drove away my husband, too. I got a severe relapse two years ago and was sent to a hospital. My husband came from another country to visit me in the hospital. I rejected him, saying this man was just a stranger under the mask of my husband, and saying my real husband was killed in a military conflict and brabrabra…My husband ignored my rejection and kept visiting me everyday and patiently waited until the meds took effect in my brain one month afterward. When my paranoia was gone, I admitted to my nurse that this was my husband…

I hope this story is a help to you.


#4

This is heart breaking. I am so sorry you have to go through this. You are more then welcome to rant…

Does his family know he’s asking for a divorce? Have you told his family he’s taken the only transportation the family has so if the kids are sick, there is no way to get them to a doctor? If he’s acting out to you… eventually he will start acting out to his parents. No meds, no help, no support, he will get worse. But the moment he gets to a doctor, the healing will begin.

I don’t know what you can do about this delusion that you beat him up. Is his family believing that?

I know that so much time and energy goes into doing everything one can to avoid the hospital… odd to me now… when a leg breaks, we rush some one to the hospital, when a mind breaks we hope it will magically mend at home with no help and no support.

It’s a very hard time for you. The kids have to be center stage because they are probably also wondering what is happening to their Dad. I really hope he gets to a doctor or gets some help so he doesn’t loose the kids and you. I know your trying to stand by his side, but you’re health and your kids have to be the focus. But you know that already.

I’d say calmly hang in there. If he is accusing you of all this stuff, but your interaction with him is calm and cool then it makes it harder for him to say… “See how out of control she is?” When your not out of control at all. However nothing says you can’t kick the stuffing out of a pillow when you hang up the phone.

Here’s a thought… something that used to pull me out of a delusion… EVENTUALLY was asking me questions. Ask your husbands dad maybe to get specific details of this event? I was once sure our family was in Spain. When they asked me to point out the date… every date I pointed out, they had proof that we couldn’t have been there. Little by little this delusion couldn’t be made sense of and little by little if faded. It also took meds.

I was also once convinced someone broke my arm. In an x-ray for something else, it came to light my arm had never been broken. My family tried to get me to specifically pin point when, where and how my arm got broken. None of it added up. That one finally faded.

Just an idea, I’m not saying this will work at first. It’s just what helped me. I also hope you find a counselor or therapist so you can get some ideas on how to preserve your own health during this stressful time.

Good luck and I’m rooting for you and your kids.


#5

I am sorry that this is happening to you, but this reminded me how my former US woman left in 1999. Basically she left a voicemail message and said that she was not coming back. Then later in March 2000 I learned that cops had brought her back in Dec 1999, but I did not remember anything. My mind must have been messed up then. Divorces can be so hard sometimes.


#6

I’m afraid I don’t think that things are going to get better if he is not receiving treatment. They may in fact get worse. I know that you don’t want to have him admitted however it may be what is needed. He is not going to start trusting you more while untreated and the longer he goes not being stable the more damage may be happening.

Just yesterday I told my son what I have told him several times. He may not like what I am doing or how I am acting but I love him and I will fight even him if that is what it takes to ensure that he stay stable and have a future.


#7

I would keep trying to talk to him. I’m not sure I have schizophrenia, but if it does exist then the best remedy is someone who believes in you, that doesn’t mean you have to believe everything he says is accurate. Maybe if you told him this…that you believe in him, but don’t know if what he says is true because it’s not likely and not evidence based…


#8

His father didn’t know when he first arrived that he was having an episode, I’ve called and told him and he and my mother in-law are to discuss it and what they may could do to help. My father in-law tells me this morning that my husband left the day before yesterday and hasn’t been back there as of yet. I finally got him to answer his cell phone after too many messages and calls to count and he says he’s okay thankfully, I’m grasping to that being a silver lining. I’ve told his dad he’s taken the car and he says he’ll do what he can to help. From what I can tell his family isn’t believing I physically harmed him per talking to his parents. I’m willing to try whatever will help him. I feel bad b/c before this went so downhill he told me he felt a manic episode was coming and maybe he needed to go to the VA hospital and check in. I should’ve taken him right then; that same day I know next time to do just that. Thanks you @SurprisedJ for your response, I talked with your sister on another post and her advice was helpful as well. It helps to have input from both points of view.


#9

Thank you also @Jayster @green6 @mjseu @BarbieBF & @StarryNight I’ve not given up on him yet even though he’s said he cannot handle being married anymore and doesn’t want to be. I’m hoping if I keep trying but try and not smother him too much he’ll come around and make his way back so that we can try and get him back to seeing a doctor and maybe on some meds that work for him.


#10

Don’t let him slip away like that. My fiancee C and I are still very much in love after 3-5 years (somewhere in there. I’m not really counting) and we had a lot of trouble. I know this is nothing compared to what you’ve been through and are going through. I just wanted to remind you it’s worth it. C didn’t abandoned me even when I up front asked him to. Repeatedly. It wasn’t as sustained as what your husband is doing, but it went on for maybe a year. I don’t think he doesn’t want to be married. But I don’t know him. All I’m saying is don’t let him make this call while he is ill. If he goes for it, do as you see best to keep him calm, but please be sure to let him know you want him back now and when he is better.


#11

Firstly welcome to the forums. I have schizophrenia so Id like to say to you to keep relaxed and don’t worry too much about your husbands delusions. He will bounce back. And don’t take to heart his paranoia and mouthy venting. He is just unbalanced. He will come round. Schizophrenia is something that peaks and troughs. You can be good one day and poorly the next but you do get better. So he may be talking paranoid nonsense today but he can come round after a good nights sleep. Get him to take a bit of meds. Im not a firm believer in medication but it does help in times of distress.

Anyway, I hope things improve for you. You sound like youre doing a good job in caring for him.