Okay so I’ve been sharing only challenges and questions but now I’d like to share some positives and hoping you’d share some?
My loved one:
painted her nails
returned the milk to the fridge and items to their places
Deep cleaned her room today! (Assuming it hasn’t been done or let anyone do it for more than two years?!)
Her hair’s grown (she shaved her head twice in the past due to the illness?!)
She drinks water
She eats
I’m very grateful today and I wish you all the reasons to be grateful
I was going to say sometimes it’s the little things… but then realized that these are not “little things” to her OR you.
My son who is hospitalized long term is starting to socialize with others on his ward. He has been reluctant until now because they are all older than he and “I don’t have anything in common with these people” , he says. Ha ha. If he only thought about that a little…
And he beat me at Scrabble this week.
I have found over the years when we focus on the positive it is easier on us and them. Mental illness aside who wants to be in a relationship where there is always tension and negativity?
This came into focus last night when my son was visiting. He was going down on rabbit hole after another with all his “links”. I was listening and my contributions were mostly questions. My husband came into the room and felt the need to “correct” his thinking. It got very tense. Fortunately my son was in a place where the tension was not causing fear or feelings of failure and it worked itself out. Afterward I asked my husband just what is the purpose? It does not change my son’s reality. My husband still thinks we can. My positive is by ME coming to terms with who my son is we now talk. Gets a bit weird, but he is talking to me.
Good for you for taking time to think about the positives!!!
You are actually using a form of LEAP! Listen/Empathize/Agree/Partner! Does your son take meds? Even if he does, it could be great if you and your husband both read the book “I Am Not Sick; I Don’t Need Help” by Dr. Xavier Amador. It helps us know how to better relate to our loved one to create a trusting environment and ideally to open up opportunities to get our loved one to do things that we want (because we believe it is best for our loved one) but for reasons that are important to him/her.
My son crashed and burned on meds about 18 months ago and now refuses them. All kinds–even Tylenol. I have watched Dr Amador’s videos and I try LEAP. The hubs, well, he understands but doesn’t always do. So unmedicated is sometimes a wild ride, but as long as he is not a danger to himself or others, we will just learn to live with odd behavior.
On a side note, my mom has Alzheimer Dementia. She has moved into the delusional stage. Son with paranoid schizophrenia can recognize the delusional thinking in her and she can recognize it in him…but themselves…nah Which reinforces to me just how person and strong the delusions are.
My eldest daughter who has schizophrenia and bipolar has been well for 2 years now. Just the other day she bought lilies (which mum likes very much) and fresh coconuts for us on her way home from uni. Now, my youngest daughter is going through depression. I just know that as my wife and I keep them by our side, just a little hug or a thank you gesture are the best moments we will treasure for the rest of our lives.
Best wishes to all those out there caring for those in need. Life is tough, and those happy moments are a treasure to have.
Wow, that was an eye opener for me that your son and your mother can notice the delusions in each other but not in themselves. Bless you and your stamina!
My unmedicated daughter today:
recovered from a bad rant
took two grocery bags from me for her fridge (she often rejects my shopping for her)
hasn’t woken me up tonight
gave me a hug after talking to me about leftover pizza
is letting the dogs out everyday while my husband and I are at work (no more puddles)
My son, who just had to switch from high school to Adolescent Day Treatment, has been so helpful with his severely autistic brothers while my husband is out of town.
He also offered to play cards with me, which hasn’t happened in a long time.
I’m so sorry but appreciate your loving tolerance of odd behavior. Perhaps there will eventually be a time when you can re-introduce the idea of meds using LEAP. One day at a time…
Thank you. We are 15+ years into this journey. So we have had a while to come to terms with it.
We are fortunate, I suppose, in that paranoid schizophrenia is often a higher functioning form of the illness. And that over time there does appear to be a lightening in the symptoms in that a measure of normalcy can be obtained. I suppose the neighbor who called the police when he was yelling at the sky probably disagrees, but that is if that neighbor only knew the really dark places this illness can take you they would see the yelling at the sky as nothing.
He does have some skills with CBT (although when going through it fought it ) And LEAP comes in handy for ME I have found. It lowers my stress because I no longer feel the need to address and redirect every thing he says/does. A med that would help would be great, but his tolerance put him at such a high dose with the last go around that he was nothing more than a lump on the couch. What he shared later, was the misery of those feelings were not better than the fear in delusions. And that breaks my heart.
Until the day he is willing to try something, he knows I will only force the issue if there is violence and risk of life and limb to him or others. And that oddly, has caused trust to grow. One day at a time.
Ah…but she recovered from the rant. That is really a huge win. I am glad for you. I get the rejection of food you provide. For a while the offer of food brought many questions about safety from my son! Recently I made some sour pickles. He loved the first batch, but the second I used to much salt (had less cukes and probably should have reduced it) and he still talks about that…but with a laugh because there was no paranoia about me poisoning him, but he clearly saw it as my failure!
So unmedicated or not it sounds as trust is growing. And in there scary world having someone they trust is the best med ever.
10 months already! Yes it is a positive. My son has been living on his own for 14 months. Once in a while he talks about moving home. We moms never want to turn children away but in my head my voice screams NNNooooo! (My perfectly normal sane voice )
Yes, thank you for reminding me, not long ago, there was little I could do to help end a rant. It is huge, and I’m glad you pointed it out.
Tonight was relatively quiet, she spoke about 4 sentences to me when I offered dinner (she rejected dinner in favor of leftover pizza already in her fridge in her room - I do hope she ate some) and asked to go shopping for juice tomorrow night. She said she was out of water, I brought her some from the kitchen. She smiled and said, “I love you.” Then shut the door again. Seemed like my old daughter for those minutes.
I can’t imagine that you made pickles. Our whole family loves pickles. Glad you and he had a laugh over the failure of the 2nd batch. Gotta love those times of laughter.
The CBT therapist gave me homework and told me I need to make my visit at least three months and saying/doing kind things for my unmedicated isolated non-responsive loved ones to start trusting me…
My son is laughing ,
He isn,t screaming obscenities lately
He talks to me with his views on issues if I listen
I,m trying to listen and not “correct” him for his views
We go food shopping together sometimes and it’s fun!
He washed his clothes last week and bathed
Little by little life is better for all of us
Sometimes it’s hard for me to think about the good things. I know I need to develop that habit. Her stepfather who passed away nearly 3 yrs ago was the one who would always tell her how good she was doing. She misses him and wishes I could be more like him. I’m trying but it seems like I dwell too much on the problems to solve for the future. There are wonderful things about my daughter, but I forget to tell her. She needs to hear the good more often. Thank you for bringing this to my attention.
Right now she put herself into a one week treatment. Last time she did this she quit drinking, but could not quit the DXM. Now she is in treatment to stop DXM (ingredient found in cough medicine pills).
She is a very compassionate person. When Hurricane Florence hit our area she gave $100 to the Red Cross. She hates to hear of people being treated unfairly. She loves me (most of the time) and when it is brought to her attention she has consideration for my feelings. She is doing a much better job at taking care of her cats. She is starting to clean her bathroom better. I’m feeling better just listing the good things. Thank you for bringing this to my attention.
) And LEAP comes in handy for ME I have found. It lowers my stress because I no longer feel the need to address and redirect every thing he says/does. A med that would help would be great, but his tolerance put him at such a high dose with the last go around that he was nothing more than a lump on the couch. What he shared later, was the misery of those feelings were not better than the fear in delusions. And that breaks my heart.
)