Family and Caregiver Schizophrenia Discussion Forum

When saying you are sorry no longer means anything


#1

Hello all
I am the BF of 6 years to a Schizophrenic Paranoia, DID or Multiple Personality Disorder amazing woman. I am not sure who or where to go to anymore. I literally just want to (actually have) crawl under the covers and cry. It’s getting worse, where she is being combative yes physical to the point where 911 was called and she was arrested for Domestic Violence. The charges were all dropped when I went to court to have her committed to psych ward. Showing the court medical records of her condition.
She doesn’t always take her meds or forgets and takes too many. At times she won’t take any as the voices in tell her differently. I ask her who she is talking to and even at times arguing in a full on yelling screaming match. She first gets angry that I don’t see them or acknowledge their presence. Other times she blames me for inviting these so call people to our home. I would ask her who she is talking to and lately it’s been that she is talking to people from a distance. I.e. Texas, South Carolina, Europe, mind you we live in Iowa.
Another issue is dealing with saying I’m sorry. She is careless to the point of not even caring for anything or anyone else’s personal property. If she spilled a drink in the carpet oh I’m sorry but then won’t even attempt to clean it. Sadly this happens weekly. Breaking something cause playing with it repeatedly. Then says I’m sorry it’s broken. I can go on but this is not about bashing her but trying to set the scenario of so many different situations.
The real worrisome is from our friends saying they are worried about me and that I am going to snap. They do not know how I do it day in day out. Sadly she is 30 and has no real domesticated qualities. Doing dishes she feels she does very well, but once in dish rack I put them back in the sink. Because they are all still dirty. One day I did it 3 times until she was mad that I was doing it on purpose. I had to show her where food was stuck to plates silverware dirty glasses and then she would spend an hour cleaning and at the same time break a glass or plate cause it would not get clean. Laundry, cleaning, vacuuming or even just to dust. Was she just so out of control that she had them done for her? I have tried teaching her showing her but it’s as if she hears me but is not listening.
I have spoken to her mother and brother and they have already written her off to the point of she can. Or stay with either of them and they will no longer giver her money. She tried to apply for SSI and her answers were that of a college professor not showing any signs at all of a mental disorder. But once we leave another personality shows up and starts with the talking and rambling all over again. She stays up all night writing. Most of it is unreadable and what is makes no sense at all. Besides that she has about 10 different notebooks for different personalities to write in. This can go from perfect script to print to tiny writing from drawing to scribble to chicken scratch. Then to double space or double line spacing. It’s incredible.
I know she needs help I take her to the Dr appointments and they see nothing wrong as she fools each an everyone of them. Well finally I had to take video with my phone to show them that I am not making this up or else the people with white jackets will be coming for me.
I am asking for help/advice/suggestions from others who are in the same position I am in.
Thank you for reading this far along as I felt I could have gone on and on.
Please feel free to email any questions or ideas you may have and I will gladly respond right away.
For those of you dealing with what I am describing I empathize with you all.


#2

Per the cleaning, my son says that the fact I can clean is like magic to him, and he apologizes for making a mess sometimes - other times, when he’s well, he cleans up after himself pretty good.

It’s frustrating, but I think their mind can become so unorganized and/or self-involved, that they really can’t do things like that. After all, whether or not you can do the day-to-day things to take care of yourself is part of the disability criteria.

I try to imagine what it must be like to live my son’s life, and it helps me accept it more.

We’re way past the point of worrying about whether something gets spilled or broken.

Good for you for sticking by her though. It takes a special person to do that, but remember to take a few breaks for yourself when you can so that you can mentally recharge or you’ll have a hard time making it through.


#3

I have to give you credit for sticking by her through all of this. It takes a real commitment. Yes all of the spills and messes is pretty typical. When I asked my son one time he said he just doesn’t see it. And now engage him in helping me clean up. I haven’t seen any difference in the masses as a result but I am less weird from picking up after somewhere else. Of course there are many times that you see something on the wood floor and we grab a rag but lately I’ve been just grabbing one of those micro cloth’s and laying it down and getting him to find the coffee and wipe it.
We also clean his room together when it’s needed and I definitely involve him on that. He doesn’t understand the concept of the trashcan any longer that this is the illness because he wasdidn’t did not used to be like that. One thing you might try is to put some water and detergent in the sink and let the dishes soak there before they go in the dishwasher. This makes cleaning them a lot easier eases frustration.
I do believe that with the proper medication your girlfriend can get a lot better. We tried one for a solid year no medication and couldn’t do it any longer. He became so withdrawn and it took a long time to get him back. He went deep inside himself would hardly speak it all to us and would set for hours out in the sun if we let him. He was there in body only. He also suffers from PTSD so he has sudden outbursts that are frightening but the medicine does seem to help.


#4

I wish I can take a break. Usually need to have a gf come stay with her while I go food shopping run errands. I have tried asking her to come with me and besides being queen of procrastination we will get to the market and she will either come in for 1-3 min or just sit in the car and wait. I can’t leave her In the car alone cause she will be yelling screaming at the voices and bystanders think she is being held captive and in distress. Luckily the cops all know her and us by now and are very kind and gentle with her.
At times it feels like she just doesn’t care.


#5

Hi thank you for responding. I have tried showing her to let it soak or just do the dishes same night and not to let it stack up. At times I just do it myself like everything else cause she will never get around to doing it. I am sorry to say it but it is like taking care of children yet she is 30 and one person but feels like 5 kids.
Her multiple personality disorder really is a phenomenon. I know of 11 personalities and all are different. Add that with the schizophrenic Paranoia and you have not just a hot mess but multiple scorching messes.
I appreciate it when I hear that it takes a special type of person to stick around and help. I can not think of ever leaving her cause of her mental illness. Once I found out her condition I said I was in for the long haul by her side. Hopefully this gets me a good spot in heaven. lol


#6

I know exactly what you mean, I’m always cleaning up after him. He even says sorry sometimes, but then says he doesn’t feel guilty about it because he feels like he’s not doing anything wrong and everything he does is right. When she’s on meds, do they work? If not take her to a psychiatrist and get a new prescription with a high dose, possibly something for anxiety too, her condition sounds very severe. I know how it can be with the split personality since my fiancé stated several times that he had a split personality: “I live in a near-constant state of anxiety and depersonalization that would make this difficult. I don’t feel like I have a consistent personality like other people but will create the illusion that I do for other people’s sake.” A year ago in our relationship he had this other person in his head that would tell him what to do and then I would ask to talk to that guy and he would talk to me and I was always noticing a fluctuation of how he treated me. He can hear more than 50 voices at a time, wherever people are, let’s say at a movie theatre, it would be like more than 100. It’s really frustrating and difficult. He’s constantly angry and panicking. Have you ever seen the show “United States of Tara” or the movie “Split?” I think you could really relate to it. How are each of the personalities if you don’t mind me asking? If you watch that show, I think it gives you an idea of how you can train and treat each of the personalities to comply with what you need them to do/be. Also, it’d be really great if you could get a video camera and make video diaries for each of them. As a final option if the new meds don’t work, I would institutionalize her for a couple of months in order for her to get stabilized. Also you have to be on her meds when she takes them, make reminders on your phone or hers and you can even write notes on the refrigerator or somewhere she will see it. Most importantly you should have control of her meds for the first six months until she’s stable and give them to her yourself instead of leaving it up to her in the state that she’s in. It’s a really tough commitment and I admire you for sticking with through all these years. I hope she gets cured from both conditions, it’s an awful mixture to deal with. :sweat:


#7

Try to get her to unload the dishwasher. I open the cupboards and have had success in him putting them away on most days. One night he was ranting and running around. I was up hanging out and making sure he didn’t hurt himself. I opened the dishwasher and cupboards and started handing him bowls and he put them all away. It calmed him down in the process and brought him back. His medicine finally kicked in and he went up to bed. I try to remember those little victories. I have to take my son to the store but I park way far away.


#8

Just a quick update.
Nikki had another episode but this was a first. She would just randomly yell out Letters and or Numbers as if she had Tourette’s. When I asked her what she was doing she replied changing nuclear codes cause she doesn’t trust Trump. This went on all day for 20 out of 24 hours. I passed out for 4 hours from exhaustion. I woke up to her writing a list of which people are to be allowed in bunkers. I saw that she had gone past the point of no return. I call ambulance (they all know us by now) asked them to kindly take her to ER. I told them I don’t want to call 911 as that will just escalate the situation. They asked if she gives the paramedics any problems they will have to call. I said when they arrive I will meet them outside and I asked them to just tell her you want to check her out make sure she is ok in the ambulance. They came in said Hello Nicole. How are you? You look tired can we check your vitals in the ambulance make sure you are all good ? She got up and said Thank You. that would be a great idea.
That got her back in psych. After 4 days we had a meeting with her Dr, Psychiatrist, Psychopharmacology, Court Advocate, Nikki and myself.
Now she also has DID so I had to be careful in choosing my words as to not offend the personality that was present cause I can tell when it’s not Nikki.
I always look at her first and I say. Please understand that what I am about to tell the Drs I am saying with all due respect to you and everyone else inside listening. When she acknowledges then I just lay it all out for them from what goes on when at home or just walking around in public. Not when she is here in the hospital.
She and everyone agreed to start her on Abilify. Oral for 2 weeks then injections. At the same time reduced her assortment of meds as Psychopharmacologist in now involved.
I have to say so far so good. Not great but good. Yes still talking to voices which are mainly celebrities but in a softer tone at times I can’t even hear her only see her lips moving.
Tomorrow will be first injection.

Thank you for letting me rant on and on. It feels good to actually put pen to paper (fingers to keyboard)


#9

Sounds like progress! I’m really glad she’s going to get the help that she needs and that she or her personalities have agreed to the medication. :slight_smile:


#10

Yes so far so good. Today I was asked to join her for family therapy. I said yes (in my head I said this is therapy for me too) lol.
How’s the fiancé doing? I read a few posts but don’t want to quote anything cause I read a couple of weeks worth.


#11

That’s great. He’s not doing so well. I feel like I’m giving up. I just ocassionally check here, but there’s nothing to say. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves or think they need at all. People with schizophrenia are mostly a lost cause, I knew that a time a long ago, but I let love blind me and now I’m facing that reality once again. I wish you luck with your Nikki.


#12

I have been there too where I am about to throw the towel In and say I love you and I am sorry I can no longer do this or I will be lost myself and no one around to help me.
I can speak only for myself that time and time again I dig deep inside and find just a glimmer of hope and strength. I want that for you and to all the parents whose children have this, to the siblings and partners of SZ.
I try to plan a week in advance cause of my OCD I need to be organized and everything planned out. Oh and I’m a control freak. (Did I just admit that)
But then God has another plan where that memo got lost in the mail. He controls all this and I can only pray and be grateful each morning that We wake up. Other than that I take each day as it comes and what challenges I have to deal with. I will be thinking of you and your fiancé and hoping for the best.


#13

Thank you, I appreciate your kind words.


#14

Can relate to that… It sounds very much like your partner is at least partly (mentally) stuck as a child. My wife is in some ways similar, particularly with the washing dishes thing. She has become much better than ten years ago but still doesn’t always naturally make the connection between the actions of cleaning and what constitutes clean.

The things that seem pre-programmed and unchangeable such as inability to relate an activity and the outcome (e.g. doing the dishes and they are still dirty) is the same as a child who is learning to do an activity but somehow the method of doing the activity got locked-in during the natural learning phase as ‘incorrectly handled’ and now this has become the default method of doing it. If you challenge an incorrectly handled method and get a shouty/violent response then it is definitely the same as we are experiencing here. There is a relatively simple (compared to living with it for a lifetime) way out of this but it is not for everyone!

Could I recommend that you watch the movie “The Three Faces of Eve” from 1957. It is a true story about a lady that had a very normal and seemingly benign childhood event which lasted only a few minutes but completely dominated her life by splitting her personality into several completely separate entities. You can find it online e.g. http://chillax.ws/movies/328813-The-Three-Faces-of-Eve The point of me suggesting this is that it doesn’t take much to fix a child into doing things a certain way. The majority of things that cause these behaviors aren’t in any way close to what would be categorized as abuse so we never make the connections. They are always there though. The method that my wife and I are using to resolve these incorrectly handled connections is evident in the movie.


#15

I know it’s different as a parent, but even though this week has been tough, and I’m starting to doubt if Invega is the right med for my son, I can’t believe that it’s a lost cause.

My son went through the intake process for what they call Intensive Community Treatment here.
I spoke to the director the day after and she told me about a man who my son reminded her of.

He came in, all huddled down in a hoodie and not really able to say much, but in the years they’ve worked with him, he’s recovered a lot. Now, he works for them. He cleans the cars that belong to the county’s mental health services department and takes them for repairs, inspections, etc. He’s doing really, really well.

I know it’s hard. Even this week, I’m starting to feel really depressed myself. That’s not unusual, but it usually only lasts an hour or two instead of a few days. However, I still refuse to believe it can’t get better. Maybe that’s for my own self-preservation, but I’m holding onto it anyway.


#16

The point when you start to realise that Doctor’s statement above is one of hopelessness rather than a reality is an exciting stage. People with sz are not a lost cause at all, they are stuck in a state that we humans simply have not yet figured out a way of dealing with. Of course they don’t what help, just like a cat with a broken leg tries to run away from somebody trying to help it as fast as it can- even if it means inflicting more damage on itself. We need a workable method to outsmart this automated survival mechanism, that is all.

If there is any reality in what my crazy autistic brain has come up with then all this anguish we go through is by design, and once we understand what the design is and why, we won’t need any of it.

Just because the problem seems impossible, doesn’t mean that it actually is, it normally just means that it has beaten our best efforts so far and worn us down to defeat. We cannot be defeated by something we properly understand- and we don’t know very much about sz right now, hence the present situation of hopelessness.


#17

People can believe what they want to believe, it’s in their right. I consider myself a realist and even if I hope for things to get better, hope is not enough. Love is not enough and words aren’t enough. Even your actions can go against you, no matter how well intentioned or the affection behind them that they may carry.


#18

I’m a realist too, and the reality is that none of us know what tomorrow will bring.

We all make mistakes, no matter how hard we try to do the right thing.

All you can do is keep on going, and if you lose hope, that’s pretty hard to do.


#19

You said it yourself – survival. Schizophrenic people are dependent on others and medicine. A lot of people are, actually. But that asides, because we have a societal structure that doesn’t allow for people to run rampage, there is control. And that’s partially the reason that they’re still alive. If there was no government control, they would most likely be able to do whatever they wanted and so would other people and it would just be a chaos of suicides, cripples, and homicides. And that’s the truth. You are born with what you get and the rest happens along. But your brain, it’s really hard to change that. You have autism? Well so do I. But guess what? There will never be a cure for it. And you can take all the medicine in the world and your symptoms may change a tad here and there, but you are still someone with a dysfunctional disorder on this Earth. You cannot change your brain and we cannot change their brains. And all I’ve seen is a constant cycle of outrageousness, impulses, and erratic behaviors coming and going with the people I’ve met with these disorders. If they don’t hurt themselves, they will hurt you or someone else. And yes, schizophrenic people can kill others because I know one who has. Everybody has the capacity for murder, well most people, physically at least. And it’s honestly medication after medication and nobody helps. For a parent, they may not feel like it’s a lost cause because it’s their child and inherently their supposed to love that person unconditionally, but for someone like me – sometimes enough is enough, it’s not just ‘I’m angry at mommy and daddy,’ it becomes an abusive relationship. So why should anyone be in it? Why should you suffer?


#20

Losing hope isn’t hard to do, moving on and picking up the pieces of your life is after the damage has been done.